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"What I Will Become" - How the College Curriculum will help me with my Interests


Editor1010 9 / 33  
Oct 27, 2010   #1
Describe the unique qualities that attract you to the specific undergraduate College or School (including preferred admission and dual degree programs) to which you are applying at the University of Michigan. How would that curriculum support your interests? (500 words maximum)

What I Will Become

"Is it going to hurt?" I asked Dr.Khan, my pediatrician, as she held the needle in her hands, that at the time looked so long. I was frightened and kept squinting my eyes, afraid of the pain I was about to go through. "All done," she suddenly said. As I opened my eyes I realized there was a band aid on my arm. I got scared for that ? I laughed to myself, hopping off the bed, and walked over to my mom. There were so many kids, of all ages, at her office and they were all being taken care of by my pediatrician. I was astonished at the fact that because of her these kids were healthy. She was the one that provided them with the care they needed and me with the care I needed every time I got ill or simply needed a check up. Due to or normal visits, she had become part of our family. I looked up to her and I still do. Dr. Khan helped me realized that I want to be someone that helps children. I want to be able to protect the core of our world. Our world begins with children and if children are not healthy. Where do we go ?

I was in the second grade that I finally decided that I would be a doctor. I was so excited when my father started calling me Dr. Dilara. I knew this dream wasn't one that I would soon forget. I knew that this is what I wanted to do with my life. I had to find a good university to be able to achieve this goal. Of course at such a small age I didn't know of any. But, at the time blue and yellow were my favorite colors. When I found that there was a college with those colors I was so excited. Instantly, I began to love the University of Michigan. I told myself that I would go to this school. It wasn't until seventh grade that I realized that it was no longer the colors, it was the school. I wanted to be a wolverine. Knowing it was a competitive school I realized from that point on I had to try my hardest to do all I could to get in.

To accomplish my dreams I know that the College of Literature, Science, and Arts at the University of Michigan, will allow this. Of course this curriculum will support me in that it will provide me with the education I need to be able to get me where I want to go. This curriculum has a diversity of classes that will permit me to take the ones I am most interested in. With this I will be able to take classes such as Biology or Chemistry that will provide me with the education I need to get into Medical School. This College will support me and enable me to make that childhood dream come true. The answer to that typical question asked to all little kids, " what do you want to be when your older?" will be fulfilled. I will be who I have wanted to be for all these years.

liwewap 1 / 5  
Oct 27, 2010   #2
What I Will Become
*Now that I read this again, for some reason it kinda reminds me of "Mulan" (not a bad thing, just what I thought of)

"Is it going to hurt?" I asked my pediatrician as she held the needle in her hands, that at that time looked so long. I was frightened and kept squinting my eyes afraid of the pain I was just about to go through. " A ll done," she suddenly said. As I opened my eyes I realized there was a band aid on my arm. I got scared for that ? I laughed to myself. I hopped off the bed and walked over to my mom. There were so many kids there , of all ages. All being taken care of by my pediatrician . I was astonished at the fact that because of her these kids were healthy. She was the one that provided them with the care they needed. She had become part of our family by then . I looked up to her and I still do. I want to be someone that helps children. I want to be able to protect the core of our world. Our world begins with children and if children are not healthy. Where do we go ?

*using two "that"s so close together can get confusing, is there a way you could rework that?
* I think there should be a comma between "eyes" and "afraid"
* "just" isn't necessary
* there shouldn't be a space before "all"
* the three sentences starting with "I" so close together sound a little robotic
* be more specific, where?
* consider combining this with the previous sentence
*awkward transition
* try to vary your sentence beginnings more

I was in the second grade that I finally decided that I would be a doctor. I was so excited when my father started calling me Dr. Dilara. I knew this dream wasn't one that I would soon forget. I knew that this is what I wanted to do with my life. At the time blue and yellow my favorite colors . When I found that there was a college with those colors I was so excited. Instantly I began to love the University of Michigan . I told myself that I would go to this school. It wasn't until seventh grade that I realized that it was no longer the colors, it was the school. I wanted to be a wolverine . Knowing it was a competitive school I knew from that point on I had to try my hardest to do all I could to get in.

*very random transition
* careful that the reader doesn't think you chose the college only because of the colors
* very effective :)
* repetition of "know" takes away from the pace

To pursue my dreams I know that the College of Literature, Science, and Arts will get me there. Of course this curriculum will support me in that it will provide me with the education I need to be able to get me where I want to go. The diversity of classes will permit me to take the classes I am most interested in. With this curriculum I will be able to take classes such as Biology or Chemistry that will provide me with the educaiton I need to get into Medical School. This College will support me and allow me to make that childhood dream come true. The answer to that typical question asked to all little kids, " what do you want to be when your older?" will be fulfilled. I will be who I have wanted to be for all these years.

* this sentence doesn't really make sense to me
* good place to have a transition
* surely this college isn't the only one that offers chemistry and biology
*education - type-o
* careful, the world will not stop spinning if you don't get in

Strong finish. Over all, the essay is well structured and focused and convinces me that you want to go to this college. I wish there were a few more details on why this particular school though. Otherwise, a very strong essay!

Thank you for reviewing my essay, and good luck with your admissions!
OP Editor1010 9 / 33  
Oct 27, 2010   #3
I really loved the editing you did if you could look over this again!! I would love it !
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Nov 3, 2010   #4
The last comma in this sentence is unnecessary:
"Is it going to hurt?" I asked Dr.Khan, my pediatrician, as she held the needle in her hands, that at the time looked so long.

In this sentence, you do need a comma:
Our world begins with children, and if children are not healthy. Where do we go ?

So...what will your specialization be? Pediatrics? I don't think you have made a strong enough argument about the importance of attending this school; many schools can prepare you for med school. I think it's important to take out the part about favorite colors, because it make it seem like you did not think deeply about which school to choose.

However, it is great that you have a clearly envisioned future... a strong intention to become a physician.

:-) Just add some more substance to the essay by discussing this school compared to others, and discuss how you will achieve specific goals at the school.


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