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'I want to become an engineer' - MIT- which department or program

flutenerd 7 / 19  
Dec 24, 2011   #1
Here's my first draft of an answer to this question. I'm exactly at the 100 word limit. Any suggestions would be great! Feel free to be harsh...

After pondering for months why I want to become an engineer, I've realized that I can't see myself doing anything else with my life. I tried convincing myself that I belong in several different fields, but my heart wouldn't buy any of it. When I grow up, I want to be able to use my strengths in math and science to change people's lives. I want to create things that the world has never seen before. I want to help solve problems like the ones my sister has dealt with for the past eight years of her life with diabetes.
ZhoeK 5 / 173  
Dec 24, 2011   #2
Mhmmmm, okay I think you should pick something and expound on it, for example you could elaborate further on the condition your sister has.

Suggestion: I have always wanted to be an engineer there was nothing else I would rather do. I want to use my strength in math and science (maybe give a fitting example of a type of math/science) along with my grisly determination to change lives. My sister has had diabetes for eight years and has struggled...(provide an example or area she has struggled with/in and then maybe a solution which you could use engineering to help you with). I believe that the outstanding facilities at (insert department/program at MIT) will be able to provide me with the means to solve her problems or alleviate her pains.

Ah, maybe something like that. You need to mention the specific department/program that appeals to and why.

Hope this helps!
OP flutenerd 7 / 19  
Dec 24, 2011   #3
It really does, thank you so much! I kind of rewrote it taking your suggestions into account, can you tell me what you think about this one?

My dad has been an engineer my whole life, so I'm surprised that it took me 17 years to discover such an obvious way that I could combine my love for math and physical and life sciences with my desire to help people. For eight years, my sister - a type 1 diabetic - has dealt with some variation of daily finger pricks, shots, and catheters being stuck into her. It is my hope that becoming a biomedical engineer will allow me to solve these types of problems that most of us will never experience, and I believe that the MIT facilities will be able to provide me with the means to begin my work on easing such pains.
Ramo 2 / 11  
Dec 24, 2011   #4
I like the second essay. It shows that your decision to major in biomedical engineering is due to a personal experience and something that you are passionate about. It is this fact, more than anything else, that produces the most successful people in the world: being able to deal with things you truly love and are serious about. In terms of grammar, you might want to rephrase this part "solve these types of problems that most of us will never experience ". The part highlighted in red takes away from the significance of the issue at hand. By dismissing it as something "most of us will never experience" you diminish it's importance in today's world and it could give the wrong sign. As in I could easily respond and say, "then why is it so important if it'll probably only affect a minority." Obviously that's a very inconsiderate and harsh thing to say, but I just want to make sure your essay is perfect.

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