Unanswered [4] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 5

"What do you want to become in the future?" Anything but Engineering


dowotyyyyy 2 / 5  
Oct 22, 2014   #1
Hi! This is my Common Essay. Please please please look through it and any suggestions/comments/criticisms are welcomed.
THANKS!!!!!!
(The one I posted in my last thread was totally out of the topic so I wrote a completely different one...I think this new essay is kind of unrelated to that one so I started a new thread. Hopefully it is okay :p)

Prompt: Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

"What do you want to become in the future?" As expected, I found the expression of understanding in my parents' eyes after they heard my answer. Although both of my parents majored in Engineering, I am totally obsessed in something that is completely different from their field. The first thing that came to mind was Health Care and/or a teacher, both in which consider helping others. A stranger might feel that this is weird because I am not following my parents' footsteps, but my parents were not surprised at all. It is my family who inspired my preferences.

I was born in a very typical Chinese family. My parents' are just ordinary people who took common positions after graduating from some unknown universities. What is not typical or common is that unlike most Chinese parents', my parents' have never pressured me in doing something I don't want or to become someone I'm not, nor do they ever try to influence my own interests. As a result, the things that I have an interests for varies a lot since my childhood, but none of them eventually became my aspiration.

After the first time the question, "what is truly my dream", burst upon me, I went to ask my parents what their goals were when they were young. When they both answered flatly that it was to be a person that is valuable to society, I did not understand what they really meant by that. For me, a dream has to include something very splendid - at least mine at that time was to win a Nobel price. But as I grew up, I witnessed my parents' long working hours and still live a happy and positive life, and also how proud and happy they were to be able to help their colleagues and neighbors when problems occurred. As time went by, I even remember my father being awarded due to his contributions, and my mother who became elite in her company and received her MBA degree abroad.

What I learned from my parents' attitude towards life is to love your family, always be ready to help others and have an optimistic attitude. The pride they have towards every project they have done is being responsible and confident about their work, the same we should all have. Even my Chinese name, which was given by my parents', has such a modest meaning, "like water." It was derived from a Chinese old saying, "The best of man is like water, which benefits all things but strives for nothing."

All of these behaviors and accomplishments really influenced my personality without even noticing. Being aware of your dream is something that should reflect on what benefits you can make for other people, and no matter how big the dream is it has to be achieved gradually step by step. I realized that the fulfillment I gain by giving other people a hand and doing volunteer work is something that makes me extremely happy and content. In the depth of my heart, my dream has slowly changed from being a scientist into being someone who contributes to his or her community in any way, shape or form.

Though I am just an ordinary girl who comes from an ordinary Chinese family, I am always proud of the advice and the life my parents' have given me. Whatever I become in the future I just want to make sure I give back to this world for what it has given to me. My ideal might sound simple, but it is what supports me in being the person I am today.
fordeja1 1 / 2  
Oct 22, 2014   #2
I hope this helps ... Reword a few sentences not necessarily as I have them here. LOVE The proverb!!!

What is not typical or common is that unlike most Chinese parents', my parents' have never pressured me in doing something I don't want or to become someone I'm not, nor do they ever try to influence my own interests.

Unlike traditional Chinese parenting, My parents' have never pressured me into doing something I don't want or to become someone I'm not, nor do they ever try to influence my own interests.

As time went by, I even remember my father being awarded due to his contributions, and my mother who became elite in her company and received her MBA degree abroad.

As time went by, I even remember my father being awarded due to his contributions, my mother would go on to gain elite status in her company and eventually earn her MBA degree abroad.

The pride they have towards every project they have done is being responsible and confident about their work, the same we should all have . a quality we should all have

Whatever I become in the future , I just want to make sure I give back to this world for what it has given to me. My ideal might sound simple, but it is what supports me in being the person I am today.
OP dowotyyyyy 2 / 5  
Oct 22, 2014   #3
fordeja1, thanks for your editing! Really helps a lot thank you :D

Any one any more comments please???
marky8 1 / 2 1  
Oct 22, 2014   #4
Hi Dowotyyyyy,

First and foremost, I REALLY LOVE your essay. Your attitude and how you approach to describe it and the examples you give are very convincing and present a clear and impressive picture of your character and one of your most valuable strengthes: Your dedication to contribute to your community, the society your are in and to help and promote the people around you.

I need to stress due to the fact that I am NO native speaker, please do be careful following the advice I would like to give. It may just reflect my opinion and what I have learnt about English usage, syntax, grammar (being from Austria, my native tongue is German, so I am afraid I always make to much fuss about grammar... :-)

I have only found some very tiny things which you might like to change, should you consider it helpful... :-)

In the first sentence I would change the time from past tense to past perfect: As expected, I found the expression of understanding in my parents' eyes after they had heard my answer.

Last sentence, para 2: I would use vary instead of varies since the verb refers back to the subject things which is plural As a result, the things that I have an interests for vary a lot since my childhood, but none of them eventually became my aspiration. Sorry for being so pedantic :-( Oh, I just wonder whether have varied would not even be more appropriate?

Para 3: I would like to use past perfect instead of past tense again since the subclauses seem to refer to a time before the point you asked. After the first time the question, "what is truly my dream", burst upon me, I went to ask my parents what their goals had been when they had been young.

Same para: I would recommend to use two commas before and after at that time, however, I am no native speaker. What helps me to understand a sentence may not be required for a native speaker ;-) ...- at least mine, at that time, was to win a Nobel price.

Same para: I would like to change the sentence slightly. But as I grew up, I witnessed my parents' long working hours and what happy and positive a life they lived nonetheless, and also how proud and happy they were to be able to help their colleagues and neighbors when problems occurred.

Para 5: Perhaps you would like to add me to guarantee grammatical correctness, as I would believe the gerund construction should either refer to the subject of the main clause or have a subject of its own. All of these behaviors and accomplishments really influenced my personality without me even noticing.

Well that's it. I think you composition is great - I would accept you, did I have the power to decide on you application! :-) Best luck!
OP dowotyyyyy 2 / 5  
Oct 22, 2014   #5
Marky8, thank you so much for ALL of these sweeeeet grammar checks and comments! Yes they are definitely helping.
You make me feel a lot more confident with my essay! thanks again XD


Home / Undergraduate / "What do you want to become in the future?" Anything but Engineering