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"become a helpful citizen to the society" - what makes Stanford a good place for you


alicezung 1 / 2  
Oct 15, 2010   #1
This is my essay on the topic: Tell us what makes Stanford a good place for you.
What do you think?

Dear Stanford, I was deeply impressed by your student two years ago. She was Venussa, or Min, a senior debater whom I adored. With her sparkling eyes and beaming face, she told me she wanted to go to your prestigious university. The feelings she emitted were so passionately powerful that, hardly knowing you, I was delighted that she later got in.

Two years later, as the only one in my class and the first in my family to apply abroad, I was almost alone on the path I chose. During hours of my anxious phone calls teeming with college questions, Min was my great moral support.

Now, you might be wondering why I devote my two paragraphs writing about Min, who is not me, which is totally against the rule of talk-about-yourself essays. Min played a great role in symbolizing your extraordinary community, inspiring me to learn more about you, and choose you as my dream university. Because of her, I learn that Stanford is not only appealingly vigorous, but also warmly supportive. Everyone is there to help one another -- a quality I look for in a place that I would call home for the transitional period of my life.

Stanford's academically excellence is another most important reason why you would be the best fit for me. With your well-rounded curriculum, I would get to freely explore who I truly am before choosing a major. I also aspire to be a part of your active environment. Surrounded by energetic bright people, I would be inspired to challenge my capability and push myself far and beyond. With your renowned faculty members, my authentic yet unsophisticated ideas would be refined. I would be taught to practically approach problems and become a helpful citizen to the society.

Besides what have been said, your balmy weather, location in Palo Alto (maybe my Californian debate coach can visit me) and, diverse student body (having international friends, I might get free accommodations in their countries in the future) would make Stanford University a great place for me.
fjfjfjf - / 13  
Oct 15, 2010   #2
I liked your narrative style but, in my opinion, I'd consider revising this essay. You are applying to one of the most prestigious universities in the U.S. and you only really devote one paragraph in answering the prompt--3/4 of the way through the essay. I would also reconsider what Stanford has to offer besides a nice climate. Intellectual community, diverse student body, phenomenal faculty, exceptional research and resource opportunities --- this is what Stanford has to offer. I would also advise you to talk about what YOU bring to Stanford. Good luck.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 18, 2010   #3
Two years later, as the only one in my class and the first in my family to apply abroad, I was almost alone on the path I chose.

This is very impressive writing.

I think you should combine the first 2 paragraphs as one paragraph.

It is better not to write Dear Stanford at the beginning.

This is very good advice: " you only really devote one paragraph in answering the prompt--3/4 of the way through the essay.:

Also, the last paragraph is not good, in my opinion. Location and weather are superficial ideas. Use the last paragraph to discuss your clearly envisioned, detailed plan for the future. :-)


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