This is in response to the Common Application choice #1:
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
The deadline is in four days, so any revision suggestions for edits would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
An experience can be associated with both a positive or negative connotation. By definition experiences are "the conscious events that make up an individual life." Experiences, whether good or bad, are what define people and set them apart from one another. Although she probably doesn't know it, my grandmother provided me with experiences and feelings that have shaped who I am, and more importantly, who I want to become.
My grandmother and I could not be any more different. Growing up I never developed a close bond with her, as I did with my grandfather. It seemed like the differences between us were always more apparent than the similarities. When my mom asked me if I wanted a job taking care of my grandmother at a rehabilitation facility this past summer, I was hesitant to take it. My vision of the summer before senior year consisted of trips to the beach with my friends, not sitting in a rehabilitation center with my grandmother. My mother tried to convince me of how grateful my family would be if I helped my grandma, especially since the alternative meant hiring a complete stranger to do the work. After a great deal of indecision, I agreed to take the job.
As I walked into the Elkins Crest Rehabilitation Center on the first day of summer vacation, I thought about my friends. They were still sleeping, comfortable in their beds; I was trying to convince my grandma to finish her orange juice. They were shopping downtown; I was helping my grandma bathe. I was miserable. I felt this way throughout my first day, and again on my second. It wasn't until my third day of work that I started to notice the impact I was having on my grandmother's recovery. She appreciated my help. I took to bringing in old family photos to look over with her in the afternoons. As we turned the pages of the albums, we shared all of our old family stories and we grew closer. I became aware of how much I enjoyed helping her. It was fulfilling to know that my hard work was actually making a difference in another person's life. This new, positive outlook brought a sense of reality to the time we spent together, and to my feelings concerning that time. Instead of dreading going to work everyday, I looked forward to it. I wanted to spend those days with my grandma.
As I spent more time at the rehabilitation center, and as my grandmother's condition improved, I started to notice the lack of personal care provided to the other patients. My grandmother's roommate, Marie, would spend hours laying in bed every day without receiving care from the nurses. Her quality of life was poor and she was visibly unhappy. Every person that I came in contact with at the rehabilitation center, apart from my grandma, seemed to be in the same situation as Marie. I was able to notice this distinct lack of physical and emotional care given to the others in the center because I was providing my grandma with quality care. This realization made me feel genuinely sad. Even though the other patients weren't members of my family, they still deserved to be happy.
When I saw that many other people in the rehabilitation center weren't getting the care they deserved, I wanted to help them. I reflected on the time I spent with my grandmother. In a matter of a few weeks, my efforts improved the life of a person I deeply care for. This experience forced me to become aware of a real problem that I am passionate about. I learned that I like helping people in need. I want to be an advocate for the elderly, the sick, and the poor. I want to help the people who can't help themselves. My grandmother helped me realize that I want to be a nurse. Last summer I was not looking to make any serious decisions about my future, but I did. The experience I had left me with a sense of direction, a sense of purpose. I never would have achieved this realization without my grandma. She helped me more than I could ever help her.
Hi. Your essay is very nicely written. It was very touching for me to read. I've worked in nursing homes as a food server and I definitely understand where you are coming from on the issue of good care for senior citizens. I think you are definitely on the right track with this essay. I only have a problem with one sentence: "This new, positive outlook brought a sense of reality to the time we spent together, and to my feelings concerning that time." Is there a way you could state what you mean more clearly? In my opinion, it sounds like you are saying that your new positive outlook makes the time you spent with your grandma, and your feelings more real. That doesn't make too much sense to me. But that's just my opinion Oh, let me suggest just one more thing. I don't think your definition of the word "experience" is necessary. It implies that the reader does not know what an experience is, and it's not really a "grabbing" part of your statement. There are a lot of other things that define people beyond just experiences. Maybe you could work on your introduction and make it more interesting and accurate. I hope this helps you. Great job and good luck!
I think it will be good if you shave off the first few lines and start with this:
Although she probably doesn't...
Get rid of those first few lines and put the 1st two paragraphs together as one.
At the end of the first paragraph, you should probably give a sentence that tells the main theme of the essay -- what precious insight you gained from your grandmother.
It will be VERY impressive if you write about something you noticed about your grandmother, some wisdom that she exhibited despite her illness. If you can notice elegance and wisdom in her, instead of just reflecting on how worldly you became as a result of the experience.
