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"I have become obsessed with music" - UC Prompt #2


djyadj 1 / -  
Dec 1, 2009   #1
Help!
New to here, First Thread : )

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Like many other Asian parents, my parents were hoping me to become success from the minute I was born. They tried to provide me the best they could afford, and let me explore my interest freely.

Unfortunately, things do not always work the way we want. Not long after my birth, I was diagnosed with allergic rhinitis, asthma, and Atopic dermatitis altogether; each of them could be seen very easily on any new born Taiwan babies due to the island's climate, but the chance of getting them all at once were like one in million, and I am the lucky one. Nonetheless, my parents kept their best to raise me as healthy like others as possible. Still, due to the restrictions on foods and activities caused by deceases, I missed many things compare to others, but that is not all, a much more important one has impacted me throughout my life till today - the height. From elementary school to high school, I have always been the one being placed at the first role, because I am the shortest. Gradually affected by the ridiculing from the classmates, I become an introvert, I no longer share my thoughts and feeling with the few friends I have or even my parents.

This could be the worst period during my childhood, but my liberal parents discovered the dilemma I was facing and helped me out by developing my interest in music and reasoning. At the age of eight, I curiously pluck a string on an old violin that placed in my uncle's house. I was captivated by how strings turned into such a beautiful sound at the touch of my fingers. From that moment, I know music could bring me peace and confidence.

By knowing that I have become obsessed with music, my parents let me have a chance to take some music lessons. After few months I easily become a member in school's orchestra, the teacher let me passed the audition without any hesitation, because I played with feeling. I putted my emotion in while I was playing. Since then, violin was like a friend of mine and also a communicator between me and others. I could express my feeling to him and through him to the public, I am no longer alone and people do not make fun of me anymore because I am now a person with talent and skill, not just a short and sick boy that can do nothing. The person I am today is prepared to face different kinds of difficulties. With music, I am not afraid to pursue goals and anticipate trying out different types of environments with challenges. Music helped me through my previous hardships and it will be similar to those that I might face in the future, like economical problems, difficult work, and thoughts of giving up. However, I am ready to rise to the challenge.

I think I wrote it poorly : (
any comments are appreciated = ]

kayyao 6 / 20  
Dec 1, 2009   #2
here are some changes to look into> hope it will help~~
become successful
one in a million
as healthy as
foods? food maybe
ridicule? you will need a noun
well I think you will need a teacher to proofread your essay first. you have a lot to do with your verb tense. I am ESL too.

good luck!!!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Dec 2, 2009   #3
Like many other Asian parents, mine were hoping from the minute I was born that I would become a success. ---do you like it this way?

They tried to provide me the best they could afford, and they let me explore my interests freely.

This could have been the worst period during my childhood, but my liberal parents discovered the dilemma I was facing and helped me out by developing my interest in music and reasoning. ----excellent! This essay is better than you might think!!

Knowing that I had become obsessed with music, my parents let me have a chance to take some music lessons. After few months I easily became a member of the school's orchestra, and the teacher let me passed the audition without any hesitation. I played with feeling. ---> I like to end it with that short sentence.

You write with rhythm, just like your music. Read books in English to get good at verb tense! Read Tolle's The Power of Now in English to practice! :-)


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