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"to become a pharmacist" + "playing the violin" - UC transfer. Prompt 1 & 2


llMJll 1 / 1  
Nov 29, 2010   #1
1. What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.

The moment of reckoning had come, and I was proud of my choice. I had just told my parents that I wanted to become a pharmacist. My parents were not surprised at all, and they began to give their full material and emotional support. They knew why I hoped to become a pharmacist. I had an aunt whom I loved very much. She died when I was ten years old. My aunt battled five different kinds of cancer, including breast cancer, for 20 years. She left us early, but I learned a lot from her. She devoted her life to helping the poor and ill. Also she donated her whole body to a medical school for cancer research before she died. She wanted to help other people plagued by the disease.

My aunt's selflessness inspired me; since then, my elder sister and I agonized over what we could do for others like our aunt. Every day, we went to the public library in my hometown and read cross-disciplinary books. I promised my sister that I would use my knowledge to help others in the future. My sister studied biology at her university and now works at a laboratory. She hopes that her research will contribute to society and seems perfectly happy. She is a role model for me.

After studying chemistry at the university, I wanted to become a pharmacist and contribute to saving sick people. I lost my beloved aunt because of cancer, and I hoped that others would not suffer the same thing. To become a pharmacist, I chose to major in chemistry, as it is the most important subject as well as the most fundamental material. My parents told me that chemistry is certainly difficult to learn, but, after with standing all hardships, I could achieve my goal.

When I was 20 years old, I worked at a small company that sold many kinds of herbal medicines in Korea. My role at this company was to counsel people who wanted to buy an herbal medicine and send the proper product to them. I loved my job because I could interact with people from all walks of life and I thought that I was protecting my customers' health. When I asked about their problems and paid attention to them, I felt like a pharmacist. Furthermore, my customers sometimes told me that they improved their health by using the herbal medicine that I recommended, and I felt so happy. I wanted to learn about the chemical structure and ingredients of the medicine as well as the basic effects of the medicine in college. In other words, I wanted to help sick people as an expert. University of California is the best place to study chemistry in depth. University of California is a leading educational institution blessed with the staff, departments, and programs to suit the demands of the 21th century. I want to major in chemistry and become a well-prepared pharmacist.

In 2008, I came to the U.S.A. to study. When I was taking chemistry at Santa Monica College, I was enamored with chemistry. In the chemistry laboratory, I conducted an experiment to find the more effective of two antacids. I will not forget this experiment because I derived pleasure from the process of finding the basic structure of the medicines. Despite having a tremendous amount of works and exams, I never lost my smile. In college, I want to study chemistry in depth and help make my dream come true. My only dream is to help people around me like my aunt and sister through the knowledge that I will learn in college.

2. Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

When I was 9 years old, I wanted to have a hobby that I could share with my friends. I asked my mother to buy me a violin, and I joined the orchestra in my school. I belonged to my school orchestra from the age of 9 to the age of 17, and I joined an amateur orchestra when I was 17. Through this activity, I learned how to take up a challenge and how to cooperate with group members. When I practiced playing easy songs, I felt that I went around in circles, but practicing complicated and difficult songs made me improve. I think that people cannot develop without challenging themselves.

The most important part of the orchestra was the cooperation between members. I learned how to build relationships with the other members in my orchestra. I tried to listen to my friends' sounds and play in perfect harmony. What I learned in the orchestra had a good effect on my life. I have thought that all successful people have a tenacious and hard-working personality in common.
nishabala 4 / 91  
Nov 29, 2010   #2
Prompt 1
Visually, the first paragraph looks like a monster. It I were the admissions officer I'd be petrified of it before I even started reading it. Consider breaking it into parts? (Mind you, I haven't even started reading it yet.)

...
Upon reading, the same paragraph seems just bit rambling. You can and should cut it down, and categorize the ideas. For the lack of any other way to put it, I'm gonna try rewriting it... take only what you like!

"When I had to decide what to do with my life, I told my parents that I would study in the science field to become a pharmacist (Try something a little more striking as a starting line. Something like 'The moment of reckoning had come, and I was proud of my choice. I had just told my parents that I wanted to become a pharmacist). My parents(they?) were not surprised at all and they begun to give their full material and emotional support. It was because they knew why I hopedunderstood my desire to be a pharmacist.

(start new paragraph)I had a aunt whom I loved very much. She died in spring when I was th en years old. My aunt, who I remembered, battled five different kinds of cancer including breast cancer for 20 years. Although she kept a stiff upper lip, my parents said totold me that she died a painful death. Although she left me early, there was a lot I could learn from her. She gave her life to helping the poor and ill . Also She donated her whole body to a medical school for cancer research before she died. She wanted to help cancer sufferers in her entire lifeother people plagued by the disease .

(new paragraph?)My aunt's selflessness inspired me; since then, I and my elder sistermy elder sister and I agonized what we could do for others like our aunt. Every day we went to the public library in my hometown and read the cross disciplinary books.; I promised my sister that I would use my knowledge to help others in the future. My sister studied Biology at her university and worked at the laboratory after graduation. She hoped that her research would be able to contribute to society and seemed perfectly happy. She is a role model for me.

(new paragraph?) After studying Chemistry at the university, I wanted to become a pharmacist and contribute to saving sick people. I lost my be loved aunt because of cancer and I hoped that other people did not suffer from the same thing. For being a pharmacist, I chose major in Chemistry that is the most important subject as well as the most fundamental material. My parents told me that Chemistry is a certainly difficult learning but after standing all hardships, I could achieve my goal."

I think it rambles a bit too much and includes unnecessary detail. Cut down on the details about your aunt and job and talk about your feelings. It will make for a more powerful essay. Also, I think you should shorten it by bout 200 words, as its power is now diluted by its length.

Prompt 2:
NEVER use the word 'nice,' especially at the beginning of an essay. Replace it with something that 'means more.
I could have played the violin for 12 years because I was a girl who did not know the abandonment.": I'm sorry, but I don't undertand what you mean by that.

This essay doesn't have a real conclusion, end it better.

Sorry for the prohibitive length of this. Hope I helped!
eternal89 2 / 4  
Nov 29, 2010   #3
Remember, you should talk more about you and you. Try to cut down little bit.

Overall it looks fine, :)
OP llMJll 1 / 1  
Nov 29, 2010   #4
Thank you for helping me.
I fixed my statement. please give me an advice~!!


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