Prompt: Please provide information which you feel will be of interest to the Admissions Tutors and will help them know you better, e.g. your reasons for applying to HKU, the chosen curricula, extra-curricular activities, participation in voluntary work, past working experience, career aspirations and other achievements.
PLEASE GIVE SPECIFIC AND HARSH CRITICISM LIKE ON GRAMMAR, CONTENT, REMOVAL, and so on; I"M DESPERATEEE
THANK YOU GUYS!!!
Despite its unpleasant memories, sophomore year is a year that I cherish the most in my lifetime, because it allowed me to mature, learn, and most importantly, understand others. At the beginning of the year, my father lost his job and as I struggled to maintain my grades, I started to lose confidence in myself. In Korea, the traditional norm is that the oldest son behaves and performs well in all areas so that he/she can become a model for younger siblings. Feeling ashamed at myself, I fell into a period of intense depression and paranoia. I remember myself trying to hide myself from others, and feeling disappointed at myself for being me. However, I soon learned that this ordeal was an opportunity when I went on a Habitat For Humanity trip to Mongolia.
Of course, the blue skies and smooth hills of Mongolia were amazing, but there was something else that moved me. The area seemed like a typical community, filled with groups of families who live in tiny houses and those who do not even have houses. As the time went on, we kept on building houses without even knowing whom we were building houses for. One day, from the corner of my eye, I saw a girl rushing toward our place with a bunch of kids following her from behind; it was her house we were building. Strangely, as soon as the girl came, other people in the village followed her to our place. Although only a 13-year-old girl, she spoke fluent English and told us she wanted to become an English teacher for her village; later, she introduced the village people and shared the village's tradition and ancient stories. Inadvertently, she was forming a connection between the village and us; I had never felt such feeling before. I began to see the whole meaning of this trip and started communicating with the village people, understand their needs, and try to find solutions for their problems. Later, I learned from our trip guide that her father passed away from a car accident, her mother was ill, and had 5 younger siblings to take care of. Perhaps, now I could see what inspired her and what made her keep on going despite her setbacks: her passion and dream to teach English to her village. Now I found out that doing what I love was the first step out form the dark abyss I had been in.
Ever since then, social service has become a religion to me. Immersing myself in social service activities, I began to notice not only the importance of simply helping poor people, but motivating and instilling values of community, integrity, and compassion in my surroundings. As an officer of two charity clubs - Free The Children, and Amnesty International, I have constantly tried to come up with ideas and projects to empower people who are underprivileged, ranging from letter campaigns to food banks. Moreover, as a volunteer in Taegu Elderly Center, Habitat For Humanity trip to India, and Compassion For Youth program in Shanghai, I realized that my experience of dealing with my own problems helped solve other people's problems as well. Now and then during my activities, I see people who lost their body parts, their home, and their family, but they always have a smile on their faces, because they know that they will never lose their dreams. Such opportunities to help, communicate, and share my life with different communities have truly let me stand up from my hardships, discover my own meaning of life, and indubitably define myself as a person.
So while Hong Kong is developing into one of the world's leading business centers, why do I want to study at HKU? As a frequent visitor to Hong Kong, I noticed how Hong Kong was developing into a culturally integrated community; in the streets, I would see different people from different nations talking, sharing, and connecting. This kind of interactive and international environment has fascinated me. Studying social science/work at HKU, where the values of society and integration are already deeply ingrained, would definitely nurture me to work at the frontier of social change as a global citizen.
One of my colleagues told me that if you choose a job you love, you will never have to work a day in your life. Like the little girl, I hope someday I can become a social worker, who can inspire people, especially those in need, and show them that they have reasons to smile regardless of what situation they are placed in. Admission into HKU is indispensable for me, as it would undoubtedly help achieve my goals and broaden my aspirations even further.
Hello,
This is great! Is it your first draft?
Here's my suggestions:
1) The first paragraph seems a little wordy, cut off some sentences that do not help in the later stories.
2) Add more sentences to explain how your experience in Mongolia and the story of the little girl influenced you. This might help it flow more smoothly from the second paragraph to the next one.
3) You need more details in your third paragraph to extend your point made in the second one, instead of listing your activities.(Though they are impressive!)
4)
So while Hong Kong is developing into one of the world's leading business centers, why do I want to study at HKU?
not necessary. You can delete it.
5)is there a word limit for your PS? It seems a little long to me. And remember, only write about things that add to your point. Any extra thing is not necessary if it is not related.
HK is nice place! Wish you good luck in applying to HKU!!:)
