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"I have become more thoughtful and responsible" - College Admissions Essay


pshizz 2 / 4  
Oct 31, 2010   #1
Hey guys, just wondering if you could take a look at my essay, and give me some last minute advice before i submit my applications. Its for the common app and is option 6, which is to write about any experience.

While carrying a tray full of freshly cooked fish, I negotiated my way across the busy restaurant floor to my eagerly awaiting customers. It was just another Saturday night working at Captain Marden's Table and Takeaway, which has become my weekly shift since I was a sophomore. Captain Marden's is a local hot spot frequented by seafood fanatics and breakfast mavens in my hometown of Wellesley, Massachusetts. It has been a Wellesley institution for nearly 70 years, and is very popular with the locals. With the restaurant only having the capacity to seat 52 people, and consistently having customers lined out the door, my job as a waiter is to get the people what they want as quickly and efficiently as possible.

Over my four years at Captain Marden's, I have learned many important lessons. One of the most important has been my ability to successfully interact and work constructively with a variety of people. While working as a waiter and host, I have encountered all types of personalities. My favorites are the regulars. Those who I see almost every time I work and seem to always order the same thing. They chat up the staff like we're family and sometimes distract us from doing our job properly. I wouldn't care if they didn't tip well, because they are the best and make my job more enjoyable. Thankfully most customers are polite and appreciative, while some are impatient and rude. Usually I am the first to be asked why air conditioning is too cold, why we increased prices, why we changed menus, and many other issues that are simply out of my control. This can sometimes make for a stressful job, because pleasing everyone is a tough task and often impossible. I have learned that the hard way. People can become very hostile when the only person standing between them and their food is a high school student telling them it isn't ready yet. However, I do not regret working as a waiter. I believe it is a worthwhile experience for anyone, because it has made me an all around more resilient and competent individual.

In addition to meeting customers of all kinds, I have also had the pleasure of working with people from a variety of different backgrounds. College students, musicians, Brazilian immigrants, and even former truck drivers are just a few examples of people I have worked with at Captain Marden's. Coming from a high school and town where diversity is uncommon, it has been a breath of fresh air to experience unique and unfamiliar traditions. This diversity has opened me up to many new opportunities. During this past summer's world cup, I attended a party at a Brazilian restaurant with my co-workers. While there I ate traditional Brazilian cuisine and watched the soccer game between Brazil and Argentina. In the restaurant there were many festivities going on and it reminded me of a typical tailgate party before a football game. This party was able to educated me on South American culture through first hand experience, which is something not otherwise offered or available at my high school.

Working twice a week for the last four years has also taught me a great deal of self-discipline. Being trusted to wait on customers as a young and immature 14 year old made me grow up quickly. I had to take on great responsibility and certainly couldn't act the same as I would around my friends. With an increased work ethic and greater all around social skills, I am able to successfully interact with an eclectic mix of interesting people, which has been most gratifying. These experiences did not only have a positive effect on me while working, but also helped develop me as a person. As a result, I have become more thoughtful and responsible because of my working experience at Captain Marden's.
Izzy615 2 / 2  
Oct 31, 2010   #2
i would look over some of your wording for example to negotiate means to make a deal not to travel, also some of the sentences could taken out or grouped together. as my english teacher said "imagine an admissions person sitting at a desk reading an essay. having a short interesting essay is what will catch their eye."
OP pshizz 2 / 4  
Oct 31, 2010   #3
Thank you for your help.

Anyone else have advice?
MarinaXD 1 / 6  
Oct 31, 2010   #4
i feel like you need to tie in your paragraphs a little better with your conclusion.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 9, 2010   #5
which has been become my weekly shift since I was a sophomore. ---or.. which became my weekly shift when...

Captain Marden's is a local hot spot frequented by seafood fanatics and breakfast mavens in my hometown of Wellesley, Massachusetts. It has been a Wellesley institution for nearly 70 years, and is very popular with the locals. I think these details do not help.

With the restaurant only having the capacity to seat 52 people, and consistently having customers lined out the door, my job as a waiter is to get the people what they want as quickly and efficiently as possible.---you could cut those previous details to make room for a meaningful discussion of this experience of dealing with 52 people.

Working twice a for the last four years has also ...let's just say "working" instead of "twice each week."
Use a hyphen: 14 year-old

I know you already submitted, but I wanted to give you these ideas in case they help in the future.

:-)


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