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"Becoming an ally" Uc Personal statement #2


Chrisw 1 / -  
Nov 25, 2010   #1
The prompt is Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Please tell me if my essay asnwers the question. People who have read my work say that it isnt personal enough for a UC prompt. Also any clear grammer issues. Thank you.

In my junior year of high school that I was introduced to a group call T.R.E.A.L (Teens Reflecting Everyday About Life) and with that discovered what I wanted to do for the rest of my high school years. See, T.R.E.A.L is a Peer Health Educating organization that teaches high school students to become health educators. This means going to middle schools and public events advocating advice healthy relationships (sexual and friendly). The presentations are focused towards teens that have experienced hardships or domestic violence. We show teens methods to control emotions such as depression or anger and help show them how to build self-confidence. Some teens simply just want to talk and have an ally to be with. I applied to this organization that same day, and was soon accepted and trained to become a Peer Health Educator. With in the next mouth I was in front of classes of 8th graders presenting healthy actions and healthy decisions.

Working within this organization for the past two years taught me that the key to working with a young teen is not to talk at them but to talk with them. Many teens choose not to listen to advice that is given to them, especially the ones who have been hurt by the people closest to them. I'm able to some what relate with these troubled teens since I have also experienced hardships when my mother past away. I am able to share stories of that event and really show that things become better over time. I may not be a physiatrist but my small contribution helps them organize their thoughts and emotions by simply talking about them. Working with these young teens showed me that to really reach out to a child you must give them a chance. If you show a person support they will build off of it creating a sense of empowerment and began creating self-confidence. This helps people grow from going out of their comfort zone.

T.R.E.A.L has helped me become a confident public speaker and well knowledgeable in a subject that most don't learn about. I loved my time I spent in T.R.E.A.L, and what it has made me... an ally. To show to them they are not alone and someone out there really does care and wants to help them. It makes me proud to know that I have made a difference in the young teens in my community, and hopefully what they learn from me they pass on to other teens. Slowly making the world seem less harsh.
genevieveedu 5 / 14  
Nov 25, 2010   #2
Great topic. Very cool - not something I've heard of before.

Your final two paragraphs are good, however, I would advise not to describe the organization so extensively in the introduction. This can rather be completed in the application - save the Personal Statement for relating everything to YOU. It should be very personal, highlighting you.

Good luck!


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