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'becoming an architect' - Georgia Tech Admission small essay

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Jul 9, 2012   #1
Question: Why Are you interested in Georgia Tech and what can you offer to the community (1,000 character limit)

To become an architect I need an advanced education only found in Georgia Tech. I aspire to focus in the interdisciplinary research of the Digital Building Laboratory, and discover innovative methods with advancing technology. I am also interested in Georgia Tech's joint programs and electives, which allow me to develop in disciplines such as foreign languages and Civil Engineering. In foreign language I have won first in state wide Japan Academic Challenges, and I plan to compete in the Japanese Language Speech competitions at Georgia Tech. I have an interest in visual arts, and having won an award from Cartooning for Peace, I exhibited my art in Emory; Georgia Tech's Gourd Art Club would give me the chance to practice outside of academics. I offer a multicultural background to Georgia Tech's academia and hope to connect the students to my culture. Also having spent five years competing in swim teams I have a competitive nature, which drives me to challenge myself and my colleagues.

How is it? Should it be more personal? I'm sorry I really didn't have a conclusion, but it has 999 characters. It started off as a 5,846 character essay, but then I realized it was not a 1,000 WORD limit, but character.

Thank you anyone who answers. I really appreciate it :)
ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Jul 9, 2012   #2
U should use some transitional words and terms to connect the sentences. U stated your experiences one after another without considering the coherency of the sentences.

Good luck

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