Hello,
I guess I'd like feedback on responses concerning grammar and whether they clearly answer the prompts. Thanks for the help.
Prompt 1: What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.
A year ago I was more than certain that becoming a business/accounting major was what I wanted. My interest in business came from my family. Many in my family went to school for business and I'm here to follow suite. There is one person in my family I hope to become like one day and she is my Aunt Norma. It was a year ago that I payed a visit to her home in Houston, Texas. Her beautiful home in a nice neighborhood showed her success. Despite everything though, she's still as common as ever. As if she was just uprooted from Southern California, she'd call out to me in a cheerful voice, "Hey girlfriend!" Making me feel right at home. She holds a lot of responsibility at her work as the Chief Financial Officer at a hospital. Many looked to her when a big decision needed to be made. The reason why my Aunt Norma is a source of great inspiration and interest to me is because she has found a balance in both her work and home life. Through her work she helps hundreds with her decisions and strategic thinking for the best interest of the hospital and it's patients.
I have been involved in a student organization at City College of San Francisco for two years now. From when I started as the secretary of the organization to becoming the president, I've learned many things that can help me get through the challenges of being a business student. What I've learned may also help me get to the position as important as the CFO in a company that helps hundreds, like that of my Aunt Norma. Being part of La Raza Unida at CCSF has taught me to be proactive about important decisions that concern the organization's use of funds. As president I opened the discussion among the four committees of the organization about the allocation of a $300 fund that was granted to us by the school. A decision had to be made as to which committee needed more funding. For example, we had to figure out whether outreach was more important this semester to form a larger presence on campus-- meaning funds for the outreach committee's events that may need to pay for cost that include flyers, supplies, et cetera-- or putting together workshop's directed to Latino students on campus for things like financial literacy and school resources-- funds of which would need to cover the printing of information packets and stipends for speakers. Becoming proactive and opening that discussion earlier in the semester allowed La Raza Unida to focus on other goals through out the semester, and not have to worry about figuring out numbers as we went.
I believe that with the experience I've had in leading a student organization can help me get through a lot of challenges of being a business student. Thus, allowing me to get closer to my desire of becoming someone who has worked hard and has achieved success in life by helping others like my Aunt.
Prompt 2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
At Café Du Dome, I sit across from Jean- Paul Sartre. It is a nice day out so we choose to sit outside. Sartre orders his usual cup of tea and I get the same. My mind has been busy all day and my eyes must be refusing to conceal it. I know this because Sartre sees threw them. "Everything happens to every man as if the entire human race were staring at him and measuring itself by what he does." He says, "Carolann, you know this best. Why not unmask your anguish?" I laugh because I know what he is referring to. I then say, "I've been asked to tell about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to me, monsieur."
"And the trouble is that you have none?"
"Well, I have little experience and fewer accomplishments so far in my life. I do, though, have qualities."
He asks what my qualities are as he lifts his cup from the table. This is what I had been thinking of all day. I have principles not necessarily qualities. I tell him they're morals I choose to follow when I make decisions or take actions.
We become silent for a moment. Sartre stares into his cup of tea. Out of a curiosity that comes from a place I don't quite know, I lean forward to try and see what he sees in his cup. Does he see a deep wisdom perhaps? No, not exactly. Still looking into his cup he says, "There is a strand of hair in my tea." I shake my head and laugh. Even one of the world's famous 20th century philosophers every now and then gets hair in his tea. This is comforting. He sets his cup down and says, "You have read my works and surely you know the existentialist's doctrine." I nod my head in agreement. "Then you must know that the only value in making a choice is the fact that a choice was made."
"So, my choice to live by principles is a quality in itself."
"That is exactly the case. In creating the man, or women, each of us wills ourselves to be, there is not a single one of our actions that does not at the same time create an image of man as we think he ought to be. Tell me a principle you follow and we'll surely find a quality in you."
"Well, when looking for happiness. I follow a principle that says I must love what I do and what I do should be what I do best."
Sartre packs in his pipe and gives me a grin. "I don't think I need to tell you all the qualities you have, because there are many and in time you'll see them. A personal quality that has come to mind though is that you are strategic."
I don't see the connection right way, but Sartre sees me through by asking how I came to the conclusion that love leads to happiness by doing what I do best. I reply, "Love and happiness go together like glove and hand."
"That is incontrovertible. Now, tell me why must we do what we do best to be happy?"
"Because most often what we love is what we do best. I love looking for patterns in philosophy, music, and many other subjects where others simply see complexity. Patterns help me play out different scenarios and I can see around the next corner. It is then no coincidence that what I do best is look for patterns." When I finish my sentence it hits me. My personal quality is that I am strategic. Looking at the patterns I find my best route-- my strategy. Sartre sees that I've made a connection, so he smiles then opens his journal and begins to write.
For prompt one, the first sentence does not go with the theme about your aunt.
I see that you have two themes... your leadership experience and inspiration from your aunt. You need to develop the conclusion more and focus the intro more. Focus that intro on your aspirations, and introduce the idea of your aunt in para #2.
Develop that conclusion more by giving a sentence about your aunt and your aspirations... with a common theme. You have to be creative about it.
