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"becoming a doctor and traveling abroad" - University of Michigan Essay


lockdown229 1 / -  
Jan 31, 2011   #1
Describe the unique qualities that attract you to the specific undergraduate College or School (including preferred admission and dual degree programs) to which you are applying at the University of Michigan. How would that curriculum support your interests? (500 words maximum)

As a young adult, born and raised in sunny Southern California, accustomed to predictably sunny skies, I cringed when my father reminisced about the frigid days in Michigan. He, an alumnus of the University of Michigan, gave me glowing reviews of the food, dorms, and sports teams. As interesting as those topics were, I was interested in the school for different reasons.

My father's side of the family hails from Northern Michigan. I have never visited them, even though I have visited my mother's side of the family in Japan. Being half-Asian and half Caucasian, I desire to experience how my father's side of the family lives. Maybe then I would be able to understand why they choose to live in such a cold environment. California weather is consistent and boring to say the least. I have never experienced snow, and am open to new experiences. Also, a change in scenery and demographics is important to me as well. My high school classes included about eighty percent Asian. I have grown comfortable around them and would like to step out of my comfort zone in Michigan. Because of my multiculturalism, I am eager to associate with other people and keep an open mind.

An important opportunity offered by the University of Michigan LSA is the Health Sciences Scholars Program. As an aspiring doctor, I am interested in this program because it provides the opportunity to observe physicians while they work. Also, it organizes community housing with other members of the program. I found this especially attractive because it would allow me to be around people with similar interests in biology and physiology. The program also offers study groups facilitated by upper classmen to help students. By integrating this into their program, they allow students to bond and create connections. Most importantly, the program includes a course that is dedicated to exploring issues and opportunities in health fields. Because I am currently undecided about which field of medicine I would like to pursue, this course holds significance.

I wouldn't exist if it were not for the University of Michigan's study abroad programs. My father met my mother in Japan in his last year as an undergraduate. I too wish to study abroad and visit Japan. I enjoyed Japan the first time I visited and I want to learn more about my culture. By returning to Japan, I will have the opportunity to reconnect with my extended family, which I miss. The University of Michigan allows students who travel abroad to receive financial aid and credits toward their major. Through the programs offered by the university, my dream of becoming a doctor and traveling abroad can be realized.

This is a rough draft and I need help with ideas. Thanks!
Promise 5 / 8  
Feb 1, 2011   #2
You didn't answer the question. They asked for the specific qualities that attracted you to UM. The reasons you gave there are in other colleges. Your 1st & 2nd para were kinda dry!
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Feb 6, 2011   #3
That That first sentence has some great and imagery, and those two into resting action verbs also make it a good sentence. I think, though, that you should take away those first first few words: as a young adult.

That first paragraph seems incomplete. The last sentence of that paragraph does not seem like it should be the last sentence of the first paragraph. I think you should have a sentence to that paragraph, and make it a sentence that lets the reader know the main idea of the essay.

Your introduction to that last paragraph is very clever, the reader will appreciate it. But go to the first sentence of the second paragraph, and see if you can read by ISAT so well that it will be a sentence that supports the main idea of the essay. That main idea of the essay should be expressed in the thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph. I don't mean to suggest that all essay should be written this way, all with an admission essay it's useful to use good structure.

:-)


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