I need help to see if this is okay, or even in the right track. Please, any help would be great!
Florida State University is more than just a world-class academic institution preparing you for a future career. We are a caring community of well-rounded individuals who embrace leadership, learning, service, and global awareness. With this in mind, which of these characteristics appeal most to you, and why?
Throughout my grade school years, I was always the student in the front of the class, ready to ask and answer questions, applying and getting accepted into a Magnet high school, pushing myself into higher level courses and becoming part of volunteer programs that had me intrigued. Learning new things was always a vital target in my life, just for pure curiosity of everything. Even though there are definitely some things that I don't necessarily find pleasurable or interesting to learn, just knowing the basic concepts of such things can make a massive change in the way anyone thinks.
Curiosity is what allowed me to extend my boundaries and create what I want out of life. Such as, with my future aspirations of studying to become a lawyer. This is what convinced me to apply for a Business Law Academy in a local Magnet high school in Miami Florida. Learning how a business runs from aspects in Microsoft Offices to the financial setting in the accounting area of a business, it all has fascinated me and increased my yearning to learn more in this field, and actually make a career out of it.
While I unfortunately had to move from South to Central Florida I wasn't able to continue my experience in my Business Law Academy. But, that just brought me to extend learning into higher level honors academics, multiple foreign language courses and opportunely a Law Studies, Ethics, Psychology and Speech class.
Since law has been brought to my attention since late elementary school years, I have managed to find a way to learn what it was all about, whether through television, news and even volunteering in a local Teen Court program. Being able to actually defend someone in a teen court, to an extreme extent with just a simple course blew my mind. Florida State University would also grant me with the opportunity to broaden my learning border in this field, with their College of Law. Becoming a lawyer can unquestionably set someone for life financially, but that isn't necessarily my intentions. It isn't the financial well being or even material items that my future career has to offer, but the learning and knowledge I will gain from it, is.
1...becoming part of volunteer programs that had me intrigued---> made me intrigued.
2...make a massive change ---> make an impact / make a profound change / induce a crucial change.
3...Such as, with my future aspirations of studying to become a lawyer---> which is the main verb of this sentence?
4...Becoming a lawyer can unquestionably set someone for life financially ----> sets
5...It isn't the financial well being or even material items that my future career has to offer, but the learning and knowledge I will gain from it, is ---> what is the function of "is" here?
I think the overall flow of this passage needs more concentration, rewrite and make a slight correction to your sentence and vocabulary aptly.
Hope this will help you better.
