Becoming a nurse to benefit others - USC Essay, in need of revision

Promt: Tell us something that you have not already told us in this application that will help us better understand your potential for success as a college student at the University of South Carolina.

"Nurse! Nurse!" they shout in panic. You turn to the bed where the lifeless, limp body lays, barely living life seconds at a time. Patients are hanging by threads left and right with ventilators and tubes coming out of their weak bodies. You are here because you are supposed to be prepared in these types of emergencies. Your palms are sweating and you swear you can hear your heartbeat in your head, but you assure yourself you know exactly what to do. There is no time to page the doctor and no time to return the call. This life is in your hands. Your day just went from right side up to pure pandemonium in a matter of seconds and just like you, I am ready to take on these challenges.

Ever since I was eleven, I knew I was destined to involve myself in the medical field. Surgery stories and strange disorders on Discovery Health never failed to grasp my attention but it was not until I developed more as a young adult that I found myself wanting to be in an environment where I could also aid others.

When I was younger, I recall reading a book named Zink. Zink was about a young girl, Becky, who gets diagnosed with Leukemia. Throughout the story while Becky is walking the fine line between life and death, there is always a nurse named Angela there to comfort and ease her fears. Angela eventually develops a bond with Becky and gives Becky the courage to push through her painful surgeries and chemotherapy.

By the time I had finally finished Zink, I couldn't get it out of my head. I re-read it not once, but multiple times. I was amazed by everything; the hospital, the doctor, the blood counts, the nurse. Absolutely everything astonished my young mind.

The book left such a deep impression that since then, I knew I had wanted to work in the hospital; a place where I too can benefit others. Like Angela did for Becky, I want to transform a bad day into a good day for my patients. And despite the daily challenges I anticipate nursing to bring, such as the arduous days in clinical, I will persevere. I want to be an Angela; I want to make a difference in someone's day and ultimately, his or her life

- Elizabeth Faraca

(Positive and negative feedback is GREATLY appreciated!)

Great first paragraph, but the ending seemed weird.
So you used the second person for any/every nurse? I'm sorry, but I'm can't seem to express what I think is wrong with the ending.

Anyway, the second paragraph could start with a better transition.

I think this should be a colon instead of the semicolon:
I was amazed by everything: the hospital, the doctor, the blood counts, the nurse.

Now that I've read the whole essay, the first paragraph seems really detached from the rest.

I think you did a great job conveying the emotion that is involved with your desire to become a nurse.

I also like that you used the example from your childhood.

Here are some suggestions:

By the time I had finished Zink, I couldn't get it out of my head. I re-read it multiple times. I was amazed by everything: the hospital, the doctor, the blood counts, the nurse. Absolutely everything astonished my young mind.

The book left such a deep impression on me that ever since then, I knew I wanted to work in the hospital, in a place where I too could benefit others. Like Angela did for Becky, I want to transform a bad day into a good day for my patients. And despite the daily challenges I anticipate nursing to bring, I will persevere. I want to be like Angela; I want to make a difference in someone's day and ultimately, his or her life.

Hi Elizabeth,

You story is indeed a powerful one. I have always liked reading essays about those who want and wanted to enter the medical field. Having been a medical provider myself, I have the empathy that others feel when they talk and discuss the many problems that can arise in a medical situation within a matter of seconds.

I like the story, Zink that you offered in your essay. Tell me, do you feel that the name Angela was used for a reason? It's a very powerful name, indeed. It says a lot about the type of person in the story, does it not?

Good job with the essay!

Mark

Thank you everyone, I REALLY appreciate it as I am extremely stressed. I will make the changes suggested :)

I just feel like it might be a little all over the place - does anyone agree? or have any suggestions on how to fix that if that is the case?