Hello. I'm more than a little worried about my essay, so I would be extremely grateful to anyone who would be willing to give it a read through and help me out. Please rip it to shreds. I know it needs editing, I'm just not exactly sure of where to start...
Thanks in advance!
Option #1. Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
Becoming My Own Person
During my first few years of high school, if one of my friends had asked me to jump off a bridge with them, I'm pretty confident that I would have said yes. Thant's just how I was. I clung to anyone who would allow me to, though I didn't realize how greatly I was being affected by peer pressure until it was nearly too late.
On an average day in junior year, I found myself in Spanish class. The teacher had just asked for the number of people that planned to take continue taking spanish during their senior year - just to get a general idea. A handful of students raised their hands - myself included. As my hand was halfway in the air, I gave a sideways glance to my friend sitting next to me. She was actually studying for her English class next period. Her answer was pretty clear, and it caught me completely off-guard.
Throughout my academic career, I had always relied on my friends. They were always such a luxury to me, and I had only been able to experience being together with them for that year. I hadn't anticipated on having another separation problem so soon. Ever since I met her in eighth grade Spanish class, I felt like she would be a good influence - someone trustworthy who could show me a good path to follow. And she had. Thanks to her, I felt the incentive to gradually take more difficult classes and challenge myself. Of course, those weren't really the reasons I took those tougher classes. I just didn't want to be alone.
So in that half-second glance to my right, I second-guessed myself and what it was I really wanted. She had never steered me wrong before. There might be a more important class to take. How did I know Spanish was worthwhile anyway? And my hand dropped to my side.
The teacher finished her head count of prospective pupils for the next year, and then suddenly asked if that was really everyone. As she said this, she looked at me, almost expectantly. The instant I met her eyes, I realized what I was doing was wrong. Up until that point, my friends had been great influences and inspirations to me, but in the end, our interests were just too different. It finally hit me, that one day high school would end, and I could be stuck studying a profession for the rest of my life. It might as well be something I enjoy. Spanish was something I was passionate about. I couldn't go through life constantly attached at my friend's hip. I had to be my own person. So at the end of the year, despite my friend's insisting on dropping the classes I honestly enjoyed to better our chances of having some together, I sacrificed the luxury of company in the hope that one day I would be able to live a life that I honestly enjoyed.
Sure enough, it is senior year and I don't have a single class with someone I can talk to. But that's really as not important anymore. The important thing is doing what's most beneficial in the long run. And I think I'm on my way to accomplishing that goal.
You need a lot of editing...You have missing the topic sentence...your introduction paragraph and your supporting paragraph was really bad...just because of orgenization....you are wrtiting an essay....
Your first paragraph will be...
Achivements and riska re part of our life, everyone face them in life once or more. I faced a risk in my high school year, junior year. I faced problems to make myself more strong and sensible to every situtation.
On an average day in junior year, I found myself in Spanish class.
This phrasing is a little strange. On an average day, wouldn't you also find yourself in math class? And do you really find yourself there, or are you there with intention? Little things like this make a big difference in the sense of the piece. You have to be careful of this kind of thing too.
Other than that, it's just wordy. You're writing about a risk you overcame, but most of it isn't about that. I know you need to explain, but it needs more balance between the risk and the telling.
I don't think that this essay says good things about you. i think you could write something that is much more compelling and shares better qualities about yourself.
It just sounds shallow and ridiculous.
Really----you would have jumped off a bridge? That is incredibly clichéd. The fact that your friend studying for another class affected you that much, and then a teacher's look changed your whole life.... well...it just sounds weak. Not consequential enough.
Over simplified. Shallow.
You decided you and your friends were growing apart because one of your friends didn't raise her hand in spanish class???
You had a friend insisting you drop classes you liked? Why would you hang out with this person? This does not make you look good.
In my opinion, scrap it...start over.
