"Becoming a pediatrician" - My academics strengths and interest MSU

Hey,
The topic of my essay is to explain my reasons for seeking admission to Montclair State University, including what you believe are your academic strengths and interest.

Can you guys please edit and give me some feedback? Thanks in advance

Giving back to my community is an integral part of who I am. Thus having the chance to volunteer in the community is a privilege to me, this would give me the opportunity to gain experience in a medical environment that can only signify my decision in becoming a pediatrician my goals clarify my ambitions. Attending Montclair State University will give me the tools needed to fulfill my aspirations, with their enriched academia, extern-ships, and countless opportunities for hands on experience will only shape me to be one of the best pediatricians in the nation.

When I was just a baby, I was born with a disease, which made my skin fall off in pieces. When this disease was described to me it motivated me to help others suffering from this disease as children. Growing up being tease is tough enough, if only I could make a difference in those children lives to prevent this from occurring it would fill me with glee. As we know pediatrician is categorized in helping children to manage the physical, mental, and emotional well-being of patients. This is why I want to help them, so that they cannot suffer what I had suffered.

I'm dedicated to my aspirations and pledge to prioritize my class choices and focus my attention on subjects that will lead to my success. I pledge to volunteer, not only for the health or well-being of the patients, but also for the opportunity to gain experience in a recreation center for older people. By being a volunteer, I am able to stay dedicated and grateful of helping people in my community.

The last paragraph needs to be re-written it's not a good conclusion. I would also look at re-writing the entire thing. I made some changes but the body is repetitive. It's not eye catching material that would keep the readers attention. You need to put more interesting stories that relates to your essay. If you have a disease talk about that disease not just mention it. Bring the reader into your journey as a child with this debilitating disease. How did it affect you as a child? What struggles did you face as a teen? This will describe to the reader your choice of wanting to become a doctor.

For instance, I frequently volunteer my time to help other people in my community. For example, I volunteer helping the elderly with their necessities and engaging them socially. Also I attend to a club called Aspira Club. This club helps me a lot, as well as doing homework, and encourages me to keep enforcing to achieve my goals. Moreover, I participated in a science fair, in my sophomore year of high school, where I obtained one of the first places. I feel proud of being such a successful student in Eastside High School.

Being determined to achieve my goals, make me proud of myself. In addition, I benefit from my goal of become a pediatrician every day, because it helps me make decisions about which actions to pursue. Also, inspire me to continue working hard, and make me hopeful for my future. Therefore, Montclair State University is the right place for me, because it contributes with my career and it has specialized in biology and chemistry. Briefly, I will try harder enough to be success and break every obstacle that always gets in the way.

Thank you
Laura

integral --Not a good word... people use it too much, and it does not really add any useful meaning to the sentence.

When I was just a baby, I was born with a disease which made my skin fall off in pieces. --I crossed out a redundant part.

Growing up being teased is tough difficult enough; if only I could make a difference in those children's lives to prevent this from occurring it would fill me with glee.

As we know pediatrician is categorized responsible for helping children to manage the physical, mental, and emotional ...

Being determined My determination to achieve my goals makes me...

:-)

The bold part, I feel, is too long-winded. Is the italic part supposed to be its own sentence? I would revise it like this:

Thus, it is a privilege to volunteer for the community, an opportunity to gain experience in a medical environment that aspire me to become a pediatrician.

What kind of job did you volunteer for? Was it one in a hospital or some other environment? Did you work along side children? You mention wanting to become a "pediatrician" because of your volunteer experience in "medical environment" yet give no specific examples to solidify your points.


I think you should omit this. If you listed this achievement is your apps already then no need to mention it again. Besides, it doesn't contribute much to why you want to be a pediatrician if you don't relate the achievement back to your point.

Good luck!

Critique mine and return the favor :) Thanks