From Projects to the streets, shelters to the cars, I have lived in it all. Growing up my mother was on drugs because she was constantly being beat by my Father. She would spend the rent money on Methamphetamine and Crack Cocaine, causing us to move from place to place every month. I felt so sad when my mother would pick me up from school and I would see all of our stuff packed up in the car knowing I couldn't do anything. It was something I got use to early in the morning hearing the Sheriff banging on the door telling us we were being evicted; or they were coming to arrest my mom because they had a warrant out for her arrest for writing bad checks or because of welfare fraud. The feeling of Discomfort and emotional distress was something I experienced everyday waking up. In school it was hard for me to focus knowing I really didn't have a place I could call home, and my friends begin to question why I was moving so much. I didn't want to tell them it was because my mom was addicted to drugs so I begin to lie. I started to hate life because I was force to hide back my tears and humiliation.
Some nights I would sleep with my eyes open because I knew there was no way for me to get comfortable and this wasn't going to be my home for long. Each night I would get on my knees and just pray to God asking for a drug free mom. I thought my mom was going to die because of how skinny she was and how serious this had become. By believing and having faith in God my mom got off drugs and got on section aid. During my 8th grade summer my mom relapsed and I was forced to watch over her the whole summer. We were very low on money so I also had to scrape up change just to go the 99 cent store to get cookies, bread and ham for dinner
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The darkest moments of my life inspired to be grateful and appreciate everything I have. Each day watching my mom get beat by my Dad inspired me to be a prosecutor lawyer. I want to make sure I serve justice to the bad guy or women who have affected someone's family like my Dad did mine.
First, I am in the exact same situation as you (needing to write a personal statement.) So my advice isn't professional, just based off of some advice that was given to me.
I like your personal statement as it:
* Describes a bit about your life and how you came to choose your career path.
* A source for inspiration is descirbed - to me this is very important, especially if you are going in to a field that is competative.
* In your personal statement, it is important to explain why you have recieved a poor GPA in school (if you have), you have done this quite well.
* Very interesting and engaging story.
Some reasons I disapprove of it though:
* In personal statements, you should (generally) avoid inspiring pity, i.e make others feel bad for you. To clarify, I am not suggesting you remove all parts about your hardship but rather carefully approach it and don't spend too much time on it. It should be used strictly to describe how it got you in to your career path and why your GPA is below average (if it is) . Right now the entirety of your personal statement inspires pity where it isn't needed (with the exception of your conclusion.) It is moving, no doubt, but it isn't appropriate for a personal statement.
* You should try to keep a positive tone in your statement
* You want to keep personal statements neither too long nor too short. So make some room for your achievements or conquered obstacles. This doesn't have to be strictly related to school. Show how you demonstrated initiative, again it doesn't have to be relavent to school.
* What are your interests or hobbies? I want to know more about your character.
* Choose one source of inspiration and one of your greatest achievements and focus on that. The rest of the space should tell the reader what hobbies, activities and volunteer\work experience you have.
Now, aside from that, I have some suggestions regarding vocabulary, grammar and specific content.
* Try to use formal words. I.e, instead of 'guy' use 'man' or 'men'. Also avoid simple and overly broad vocabulary like 'bad.'
* "I didn't want to tell them it was because my mom was addicted to drugs so I begin to lie. I started to hate life because I was force to hide back my tears and humiliation."
Like I said, be careful with inspiring pity. If you decide to use this statement, note that it is a little too negative, even though true, it can be worded to express a more positive character trait of yours. For example :
"Despite the routine obstacles I faced, I was able to maintain a..." (I can't think of anything at the momment, but I'm sure you get the point.)
* "From Projects to the streets ..." The opening paragraph is one of the most important of them all. I don't understand what you mean when you say "projects to the streets"; also the opening is a bit cliche.
Thanks so much, i appreciate your comments.
Thanks so much, i appreciate your comments
The reason i wrote that because at that time i had a 2.5, but now i have a 4.5 gpa and i think it definitely shows my growth as a person and why i'm ready to go to college. So you think I should take some stuff out so it's not so pity? How do I do that without complete bragging about myself?
Well, don't be afraid of bragging about yourself, personal statements are supposed to do that - obviously though, don't be super cocky or say things like "I'm a really intuitive person" its better to give an example or text that infers that.
