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becoming a thriving businessman - Emory Supplement Short Answer


hockey520 2 / 8  
Jan 31, 2010   #1
hey guys. as of right now, there are 240 words out of 250, which is the limit. i wanted to include diversity in here because it is very important to me, but because i am happy with what i have produced and there is no room, i don't think i can include it...unless someone could give me some tips on how i could fit it in. anyways, here it is. please feel free to give me some helpful tips if possible.

______________________________________________________________________ ________

1. Many students decide to apply to Emory College based on our size, location, reputation, and yes, the weather. Besides these valid reasons for making Emory College a possible college choice, why is Emory College a particularly good match for you?

During my recent Thanksgiving break, I thought to myself, "If I decide to apply to Emory, will it offer me what I am looking for?" When I graduated high school, I realized it was time to start making bigger and more important goals for myself. Of those many goals I set for myself, the biggest, and by far most important goal, was to become a successful businessman in the field of finance. After taking many steps to learn more about Emory University and whether it can help me achieve my objectives, I determined that Emory was the one for me.

I learned that Emory was ranked ninth, out of 101 schools, by BusinessWeek in 2009 as one of the top undergraduate business schools in the U.S.A. I also discovered through Emory's website that there are over twenty different finance electives available and over ten clubs and organizations that are geared towards business. Based on my findings, I truly believe that Emory has more than enough potential to help me reach my goal of becoming a thriving businessman. Not only will the wide variety of finance courses give me a chance to choose exactly what I want to become more knowledgeable in, but its high ranking and variety of clubs and organizations show that I will be challenged and gain vital experience and knowledge to ensure that I will be prepared to enter the many job opportunities available in the business world.
kyledb17 1 / 10  
Jan 31, 2010   #2
I think this is definitely well-written, but I would be wary mentioning rank as a deciding factor for your application. I'm not sure what others may think about this, but to me I feel as though an admissions officer would prefer something a bit more substantial.

If you agree, then I would suggest switching the discussion of rank to a discussion of diversity. Overall, I think this would make the answer much more appropriate.
mhusmani 2 / 6  
Jan 31, 2010   #3
" learned that Emory was ranked ninth, out of 101 schools, by BusinessWeek in 2009 as one of the top undergraduate business schools in the U.S.A", The prompt states that aside from reputation why do you want to apply, mentioning the school's rank is right up there with reputation.
grocks6 3 / 12  
Jan 31, 2010   #4
I have to say I agree with Kyle's sentiments as I don't see mentioning rank as a positive aspect for your essay. Rank is a very superficial way to look at a college as there are many different factors used to judge one college from another.

hockey520 said:
I learned that Emory was ranked ninth, out of 101 schools (take this out) by BusinessWeek in 2009 as one of the top ... (like I said before, this really does not show you like the school itself but that you like the school's standing.This led me to want to find out more and so I went to their website where I discovered through Emory's website ...
OP hockey520 2 / 8  
Jan 31, 2010   #5
re-do of Emory Supplement Essay

word count is 307 and the limit is 250. do you think submitting a 307 word answer will have a big impact on whether or not i am accepted? also, advice/ feedback is appreciated.

Many students decide to apply to Emory College based on our size, location, reputation, and yes, the weather. Besides these valid reasons for making Emory College a possible college choice, why is Emory College a particularly good match for you?

When I graduated high school, I realized it was time for me to start making bigger and more important goals for myself. Of those many goals I set for myself, the biggest, and by far most important goal, was to become a successful businessman in the field of finance. After taking many steps to learn about Emory University, I discovered that it can play a big role in helping me achieve my goal of becoming a thriving businessman. From this, I was able to determine that Emory is the school for me.

One of the steps that I took to further my knowledge about Emory was visiting their website. There, not only was I able to learn more about the school in general, but I was also able to discover the wide variety of finance courses that are offered. This really draws my attention towards Emory because having a wide variety of courses in my major will enable me to become more knowledgeable in the field of finance and thus, help me work my way to become a thriving businessman.

I also came across the wide range of business clubs and organizations that are offered at Emory. This aspect of Emory really stood out to me because it shows that the students not only get involved, but provide other students with chances to gain vital experience that can be used towards the field of business and even in the career world. I can see this aspect of Emory helping me achieve my goal, which is why I have decided to apply to Emory.

Altogether, I am very satisfied in finding that Emory can provide me with a chance to work my way to becoming a thriving businessman in the field of finance there. I can definitely envision myself being comfortable, happy, and most importantly, fulfilled at Emory.
srandhawa 10 / 157  
Feb 1, 2010   #6
307 should be ok, might raise an eyebrow and in general not a good idea to break the word count, but no, no college would ever reject somebody just because they went 57 words over the limit:)

Anyway, first two sentences, just cut it into one concise one, i wanted to be a businessmen, along those lines, creates a much better, stronger picture. And that whole narrative thing about Emory in the first para and how you found it was right for you, cut it out, it doesnt add anything to your essay and really it just looks kinda fake and forced. But the big thing here is your reasons for emory dont really do much to impress an adcom, your basically just saying i looked at your website and some of your programs which the school itself tries to advertise in the best possible way, and say, oh hey, i like this school, fits me. Don't know if thats what you actually did, but from the essay thats the impression i get and thats not at all what you want adcoms thinking. Also, what you mention is vague, really vague, nothing specific at all to emory, and that goes not just in describing their businesses but also why you want to go there, you could have cut and coppied this exact same thing for U Chicago or another school frankly.

Also, just a general thing i picked up on, write more naturally, its like your trying to just directly answer the prompt you would like a math question, just take a look at the first sentence in each of your paras and how you transition in general to see what i mean, just relax, dont make it seem so forced, take a look at other essays on this site to see what i mean as to just write w/o making it seem like your forcibly answering the prompt. Show a passion. Sorry to be so harsh, i really look like a jerk saying all this, hopefully you didnt take offense to this stuff, i'm sure your smart and have reasons for going to emory, you just need to show them, show your passion in what you do and for the school, show more of your personality, and most importantly, dont write these forced, awkward sentences to try to directly answer the prompt on why you want to go to emory. dont worry about this one essay, you'll be fine and you turned it in im guessing a couple wks ago, so its all good, just chill and enjoy the rest of your senior yr and then wait two months to see what happens:) Good luck
linmark 2 / 328 7  
Feb 9, 2010   #7
Great advice, Simrath. (Please keep reminding all of us as often as you can!!)
OP hockey520 2 / 8  
Feb 19, 2010   #8
Emory Transfer Essay

Here is my Emory essay, once again. 233 words used (250 word limit). I think I really improved on what I had before, however, I feel like there is something missing.

Feel free to tear it apart by the way haha.

Topic: Many students decide to apply to Emory College based on our size, location, reputation, and yes, the weather. Besides these valid reasons for making Emory College a possible college choice, why is Emory College a particularly good match for you?

Every person in this world has a dream that they one day hope to live. Whether it is ending war, playing professional sports, or becoming a multi-millionaire, every dream requires the person to take necessary steps in order to make their fantasy into a reality. My dream is to become a thriving businessman in the field of finance and since I hold that dream so close to me, I am willing to do whatever it takes in order to fulfill my desire. I believe that the first step to help bring this dream to life is to attend a university that can supply me with the knowledge and experiences necessary to ensure that I do get to live my dream. After an extensive amount of research, I feel I have found the university that can offer me on opportunity to take my dream and make it into a reality. That school is Emory University.

Not only does Emory's mission statement show how they are entirely focused upon teaching students beyond the classroom, but the courses and clubs that are offered show that I will learn all that is necessary in the business and finance world. With over twenty finance electives and eleven business clubs, I truly believe that I will be able to learn from the knowledge I am fed and the experiences that I will incur in various clubs, organizations, and courses.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 20, 2010   #9
I'll move this comma:
My dream is to become a thriving businessman in the field of finance, and since I hold that dream so close to me I am willing to do whatever it takes in order to fulfill my desire.

can offer me on opportunity to take my dream and make it into a reality. --- this is still quite vague and abstract. If they ask you, "Why do you choose this school instead of XXXXXX University?" You can't just say "Emory can offer me on opportunity to take my dream and make it into a reality." What is it that makes it different? You named some things, but you can be more specific.

You can name a particular prof you want to learn from, or you can describe an atmosphere you experienced when you went there to visit. Ask yourself what is the REAL reason I want this school instead of another.

:-)


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