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Becoming a USNA graduate - Congressional Nomination Essay

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Aug 23, 2019   #1
Senator Marco Rubio

Why do you want to attend a Service Academy?

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The opportunity to attend the US Naval Academy would allow me to receive amazing educational experiences, where I will learn and train with others who also share the same attitude toward education. The structure and training will further instill in me how to work as a team using learned skills and education to become a single force and accomplish a goal. The USNA motto "Through Knowledge, Sea Power"; by continuing my education to become a future Naval Officer, I will help to ensure the continuation of the strength and world power of the US Navy.

Accountability is one of the reasons I want to attend the USNA. Midshipmen are held accountable by their peers through peer review and reflection. Peer review allows each midshipman to be accountable to peers for academics, sports, personal growth, and skills and receive assistance or discipline from peers allowing for the growth of leadership abilities and decision making. In scouting, while completing my Eagle Scout project I learned many of the same leadership skills that the USNA will build on to create a future Navy Officer. In NJROTC as Commanding Officer, of the battalion I have learned to evaluate situations and skill sets to take the best course of action. My academics in high school have been rigorous and challenging requiring prioritizing, organization, and time management skills which are critical in leadership. The USNA also has an outstanding athletic program I am excited to be apart of. I train with a daily workout which includes running, swimming, and weightlifting. The opportunity to attend USNA will allow for my personal growth in education as well as my pursuit to remain physically fit.

Attending Summer Seminar gave me a glimpse of what my four years at the academy will be like. I was able to use and learn new leadership skills and was excited to have the smaller class size which lends itself to a more personal learning environment. The USNA is my choice service academy not just for the future opportunities I will have but also for the contributions and desire I possess to complete my journey to becoming a USNA graduate, first one in my family to be a college graduate, and to further serve my Country beyond graduation as a Naval Officer.
Maria - / 1,098 389  
Aug 28, 2019   #2
Hi there. Welcome back here! I hope that you've found the forum to be helpful for your writing endeavors. Please do come back for more if you wish to do so.

First and foremost, I find that the opening line is quite dragging for the readers. Try to compose your text with more ease and simplicity. If you do this, you'll have more comprehensible text lines. Especially when you're discussing the very first sentence of your essay, I recommend that you stick with smaller chunks of discernible composition as this would be easier.

Furthermore, your second paragraph (while packed with a lot of seemingly necessary text) is stretched too thinly. I recommend keeping the length of your paragraphs to the fundamental four to six sentences. Doing so will permit you to prioritize what you truly need in your text.

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