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"The Bee Effect" - Cornell supplement for ALS

NeonGhost 5 / 20  
Sep 22, 2011   #1
This is my first draft, please comment and help me revise.
Also, do your worst.

Cornell University Supplement for the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences: How have your interests and related experiences influenced your selection of major?

The Bee Effect

I recall one autumn day a very long time ago- back when I still lived in Ukraine. My mother and I were walking through a park and she left me alone for a moment to talk to a neighbor of ours. I, in all of my childish curiosity, decided to wander around unaccompanied. I was quite young, probably no more than 3 or 4 years old, but for some reason I never forgot what I did that day. As I approached a lone, cracked cement wall, I saw a piece of an apricot lying on the gravel. A few bees had gathered around it. Suddenly, a blazing anger clouded my naïve mind, and I picked up my little foot and brought it down as hard as I could on the apricot and its innocent visitors. At that point my mother had come up behind me.

"Ny I zachem ti eto zdelala?" Her question echoed in my mind for a long time. Why did I do it? I felt shame and remorse for the tiny lives I had needlessly taken. I concluded that I needed to atone for my sin. Afterwards, every time someone would try to step on a spider, or pour salt on a snail, or even get near a butterfly I would purposefully step in and yell at them until they left the creature alone. I didn't care if they thought I was crazy or some weird bug girl as long as the insect kept its life. I hoped that the bees would forgive me.

In second grade, our teacher asked us the echoing question: what do you want to be when you grow up? Almost everyone, myself not excluded, answered "veterinarian". As the years went by and I saved more and more insects, my interest and eventual adoration of animals grew. I started drawing them, collecting plushes, and even acting like them: a whole 7 years of my life were dedicated to walking on all fours and snarling and pretending I had a tail to wag. Even though I eventually grew out of that, I began to get more involved in animal related activities. I applied and was accepted into an animal oriented Biological Sciences Magnet for High School, I began volunteering at my city's zoo, I became a member of a fostering program at the local animal shelter. To me, these weren't even prospective career tools- they were just fun and pleasant ways to spend my time. Thanks to my school and its curriculum, I was able to take informative and fascinating zoology based courses that no other schools could have offered to me.

Since second grade, all of my classmates have changed their career choices. However, after all of this time (not including a year-long period about 5 years ago when I was infatuated with the idea of becoming a famous actress) I still stand by that decision. There's so much left to learn about the life that we share this world with, it's a statistical impossibility that I could ever change my mind or decide I know enough to move on to another interest. No, this is my interest. I want to grow up and heal those who are sick and hurt and cannot help themselves, it may be too late for those bees, but it's never too late for the countless other creatures. I want to be a veterinarian more than my condescending friends and family can imagine- and I plan to fulfill this dream and overcome all of life's bloodthirsty demons and bone-crunching traps in my way.

ibsurd2012 1 / 9  
Sep 23, 2011   #2
First off, I'd like to say that it is an impressive essay, it flows very nicely and accentuates your personal voice, and the prompt is clearly answered. I would also like to comment though on the following part:

condescending friends and family can imagine- and I plan to fulfill this dream and overcome all of life's bloodthirsty demons and bone-crunching traps in my way.

I would suggest that you tone it down just a notch "bloodthirsty demons" and "bone-crunching traps" I believe could be replaced by more subtle references to life's trials and tribulations. It gives the impression that life is out to get you, which I don't believe is the message you are trying to get across.

Hope this helps.

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