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'To begin to further myself as a person' - admissions essay


Brittain73 1 / 1  
Mar 18, 2012   #1
Personal Statement
I began my journey into higher education around seven years ago. Just as most high school seniors I was just following the next logical step in life. I really hadn't put much thought into what it was I intended to accomplish by going there. The School I attended was St. John's University in Queens, New York, where I planned on studying Finance, with ideas of perhaps get into banking one day and making a lot of money. I didn't really have any clue though of what work in that industry entailed, or whether that was something I'd truly find any meaning in. Things went okay my first two years I didn't do all that bad, but during my third year my grades took a turn for the worst. I had failed a couple of classes and didn't do much better in the rest so I decided to withdrawal from school. Although dropping out of college is usually seen as a negative, I really feel like it was the best decision I could have possibly made at the time. The experiences I've had since I left have made me more aware of the world around me, and shaped me into a person that I'm proud to be.

After withdrawing from school I went back home to Annapolis where my father lives, to collect my thoughts and figure out what was next for me. While there my father tried to get me to reconsider my descision. His main point was that if I left school my future was hopeless, and that it would be hard for me to go back after leaving. I've always been intimidated by my father, he's your prototypical Marine, brawn and stubborn as a mule. However despite his demeanor and constant barrage of arguments I held fast. I explained to him that I had no clue what it was I wanted to to and I thought that spending a little time trying to figure that out would do a lot more good than harm. So after a month back in Maryland I boarded a greyhound bus headed back to New York to my small dingy apartment in Queens.

At the time I had a job as a cater waiter in the city which I immediately went back to. I spent the next couple of months barely getting by, my father had withdrawn all financial support as punishment, and I had underestimated how much money it was going to take to sustain myself. It was a very humbling time for me, I mostly shopped at the local dollar store for my food. I learned what it was like to live meagerly. However my luck would soon change. One night while working at a fashion event for Prada, someone approached me and asked if I had ever considered fashion modeling.

I was a little taking off guard by the question. Modeling was something that had never crossed my mind, and I was a little skeptic, however I took the man's card which had the letters I.M.G embossed across it in blue letters. Though initially unsure of the legitimacy of the man's offer, I did my research and found out it was one of the most reputable and largest agencies in the world. I went in for an interview and pictures and I was immediately signed. I soon found myself traveling the globe working for a number of major clients including Calvin Klein, Gap, Tommy Hillfiger, and many others. To this day I still make my living working as a model.

While work in this industry has it's obvious perks from money to an excess of free time. After the first couple years as I had more time to think I came to the conclusion that I didn't really genuinely enjoy the work. Nor was I very proud of what I did, I felt that I wasn't really making any positive difference in people's lives by selling them expensive clothes. This thought process ultimately has led me to want to continue school and to pursue a career I enjoy and believe in fully.

I recently applied and was accepted to CUNY's ,Brooklyn College, but decided not to attend because I was worried I wouldn't be able to make a full commitment with my work being so sporadic. I was later told by a friend that there was an online program so I investigated that option immediately. I've never taken online classes before, but am pretty proficient working with online applications and don't think I'd have any troubles learning on this platform. Being that I will still need to support myself while attending I think CUNY online is my best option for continuing my studies.

I've taken a look at the majors that your college has to offer and would like to study Phycology. I have future aspirations for politics and believe that this field of study will greatly benefit me in my pursuit. Knowing what motivates individuals can be extremely beneficial to someone trying to organize a more harmonious place to live. Which is ultimately what I would like to do. I know there are limitations to creating a perfect world, but perhaps I can accomplish something on a smaller scale.

It is my hope that I am accepted so that I can begin to further myself as a person. And begin to work towards accomplishing all of my goals before time slips through my fingers. I hope I've made it clear that my pursuit is sincere and look forward to continuing my education with Cuny Online.
Jennyflower81 - / 690 96  
Mar 18, 2012   #2
Hi, I have a few suggestions for your essay, I have helped with your wording.

The School I attended was St. John's University in Queens, New York, where I planned on studyingto study Finance, with the idea of perhaps get into bankingworking at a bank one day and making a lot of money.

Unfortunately , I didn't really have a clue thoughofaboutwhatthe type of work in that industry entailed.or whether that was something I'd truly find any meaning in. Things went okay during my first two years,and I didn't do all that bad, but during my third year my grades took a turn for the worst.

I had failed a couple of classes, and didn't do much better in the rest, so I decided to withdraw from school.

After withdrawing from school, I went back home to Annapolis where my father lives, toso that I could collect my thoughts and figure out what was next for me. While I was there, my father tried to get me to reconsider my decision .
chalumeau /  
Mar 18, 2012   #3
Suggestions:
- Leave out the indecisive, flunking-out-of-school part
- Condense your modeling experience into one paragraph
- Transition to how you think you would love to be a ____?
- Unfortunately, the most glaring error: "I've taken a look at the majors that your college has to offer and would like to study *****Phycology.* **** I have future aspirations for *****politics? ***** and believe that this field of study will greatly benefit me in my pursuit."

Describe what occupation or career you would like to have.
I feel badly for you. I feel badly that you flunked out of school.
(I was very shrewd my junior year and dropped all but two classes.
If I had been unable to do that, I would have been in a bad situation,
similar to--though not exactly--what you described.)
Let's try to revise this essay so you have a chance at long-term success.
OP Brittain73 1 / 1  
Mar 19, 2012   #4
Thank you so much to the both of you! I'll get to work on revising this right away, I hope I can get this right.


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