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Beginning of my BU essay---I need to shorten it..A LOT!


cowoverthemoon 3 / 10  
Nov 28, 2009   #1
So I just started writing this essay for Boston University. It can be no more than 500 words. I am now at 344 words and I have only gotten to one adjective that i need(see prompt)...PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!! Any advice/tips/ways to shorten

PROMPT:In an essay of no more than 500 words, please select three words that describe you best and tell us how you will use these qualities/characteristics to contribute fully to the BU community.

If you help me, I'll be sure to take a look at yours. :)

Also take a look at my other essays!! They are due in a few days and I need help!!!!!

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

Calmness flooded my senses as I scrolled down the supplement page of the Common Application. The prompt for this essay seemed to be easy enough. I just had to discuss three adjectives that describe me. Frustrated, tired, and longing (for the application process to be over). But these are only adjectives that describe me in the moment as I was sitting with my legs on the desk and eyes half shut. How am I supposed to choose three adjectives to describe myself when there are enough adjectives in the English language to fit in an entire Thesaurus? I decided to take a break. I closed Word, stared at the bright pink flower on my desktop for a few seconds and double clicked on the Windows Photo Gallery icon. I began to look at pictures in an album titled "Summer and Fall of Senior Year". Buried among pictures of me and my friends at the beach, having shopping cart races, and making unattractive faces at the camera for no apparent reason were three pictures that lead me to my first adjective.

Open-minded. We were at an Indian Restaurant called Shiva looking at a menu filled with words we were incapabe of pronouncing, words that looked nothing like how the waiter sounded them as he was telling us of the chef's specialties. Wiffs of cumin, coriander, and ginger would fill our nasal cavities as platters were being delivered to the surrounding tables. When our own food arrived, all we could do is stare. None of it looked even slightly familiar. Bowls of colorful goop (best word I can think of to describe it) surrounded a pile of rice and peas. My friends were skeptical. I dug in. Dipping my Naan in each of the bowls, I attempted to uncover the true identity of each "soup". The orange hid pieces of chicken. The green was a spinach concoction. The brown...I'm still not quite sure. All of these mysterious flavors are now in my brain's lengthy catalog of eclectic experiences that make me excited to try new things.
amaryrose 2 / 16  
Nov 28, 2009   #2
Definitely tighten up that introduction. I suggest skipping the middle "how can i do this" bit, and go straight from "tired and frustrated" to "opened a photo gallery." The other sentences are really filler. Oh, and calm can be a noun - it doesn't have to be calmness.

"We were at an Indian Restaurant called Shiva looking at a menu filled with words we were incapabe of pronouncing, words that looked nothing like how the waiter sounded them as he was telling us of the chef's specialties." ok, the words were weird. Pick one way to describe them (either incapable of pronouncing OR sounded nothing like what the waiter said). Basically, that's your downfall - description. I know you want to describe in detail (I always do to) but you have to pick and choose short, vivid phrases so there's room for ideas.

"would fill our nasal cavities filled our noses as platters were being delivered to the surrounding tables. " I'm not sure you need the red bit. I mean, you are in a restaurant, so you don't have to describe why you are smelled such smells. i know its nice, but we're cutting this down.

"Bowls of colorful goop (best word I can think of to describe it) surrounded a pile of rice and peas." Its a cute aside, but cut it. If you don't think the word goop works without it, find a simpler synonym.

"All of these mysterious flavors are now in my brain's lengthy catalog of eclectic experiences that make me excited to try new things." I feel like this sentence could be constructed in a much more concise way, but I am not exactly sure how...

Otherwise, you have a good start here. Just be careful with description - that's really what causes the word pileup. If it doesn't have a point, take it out. (Seriously, I'm the same way with my writing. Its hard, but you'll find the right balance.) But don't be afraid to have your first draft be over the word count. You can always cut words out.


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