Hey guys, just looking for a second opinion on my essay here. Any help is appreciated!
Just this last summer I was in the largest nation in the world. The People's Republic of China, with over 1.3 billion people, seems really intimidating from afar. But after almost an entire day of flying and layovers, arriving in Beijing was a godsend. I really expected more of a culture shock; what I got was something close. Some differences were immediately present, like squatting toilets; others were scattered throughout the voyage. However, it was comparable to New York in its modern architecture, bustling streets, and crazy traffic. The Starbucks and KFC's made me feel right at home, while the street stands filled with exotic foods made me feel like I was on Mars. If you ever get the chance to try fried scorpions, they are delicious - just like juicy, savory chicken.
But really, Beijing is an amazing city. There was so much to see and do. For such a modern city, it really kept a lot of its roots intact. Walls and gatehouses from the original city still stand monument to its age, just as the Summer Palace demonstrates its previous wealth and the Forbidden City its ancient power. I also got to visit and have dinner with a family that lives in one of the remaining old neighborhoods not yet torn down by the government. Now that was a bit of a shock, but I really gained a respect for the family and the people who choose to live in those old houses.
After an exhilarating time in Beijing and a trip to the Great Wall (which was the most exhausting hike in history), I flew to the port city of Shanghai. This was definitely an adventure. I got to see the city from the highest observation deck in the world up above the Shanghai World Financial Center. It was ginormous. The most enjoyable part was the vast markets bustling with people though. There were so many goods, lining the market place. You could get anything you ever wanted. The people were all amazingly nice, and even if it was just because we were Americans it gave a welcoming feeling. I met some students at a high school in Shanghai, and we really hit it off. They were just like the kids from my own school, and they even listened to the same music. I felt sympathetic for them though, because they spent their entire pre-college career studying for a test that determined their futures. Then I realized it was a lot like the SAT and ACT.
Saying goodbye to those kids and to China was hard, but I learned a lot from the trip, the things I saw, and the people I met. I have a much greater understanding and respect for other cultures and the way they get things done. Also, I'm now sure that if the U.S. does not get its act together, these people are going to surpass us without a second thought.
I feel you may want to talk a little bit more about its impact on you. The first two paragraphs focus a lot on the physical things you saw there rather than the specific lessons that you took away from them. Also, the last sentence should probably be re-worded; it sounds a little awkward.
Thanks for the feedback! What do you think of this? I stretched it all the way to the 500 word limit, haha.
Just this last summer I was in the largest nation in the world. The People's Republic of China, with over 1.3 billion people, seems positively intimidating from afar. But after almost an entire day of flying and layovers, arriving in Beijing was a godsend. I really expected more of a culture shock; what I got was something close. Some differences were immediately present, like squatting toilets; others were scattered throughout the voyage. However, it was comparable to New York in its modern architecture, bustling streets, and crazy traffic. The Starbucks and KFC's made me feel right at home, while the street stands filled with exotic foods made me feel like I was on Mars. Although, I quickly realized it pays to try new things. If you ever get the chance to try fried scorpions, they are delicious - just like juicy, savory chicken.
But seriously, Beijing is an amazing city. There was so much to see and do. For such a modern city, it managed to keep a lot of its roots intact. Walls and gatehouses from the original city still stand monument to its age, surrounded by skyscrapers and shopping centers. I also got to visit and have dinner with a family that lives in one of the remaining old neighborhoods not yet torn down by the government. Now that was a bit of a shock, but I really gained a respect for the family and the people who choose to live in those old houses. Ultimately, Beijing taught me it is important to remember where you came from.
After an exhilarating time in Beijing and a trip to the Great Wall (which was the most exhausting hike in the world), I flew to the port city of Shanghai. This was definitely an adventure. I got to see the city from the highest observation deck in the world up above the Shanghai World Financial Center. It was ginormous. The most enjoyable part was the vast markets bustling with people though. There were so many goods, lining the market place. You could get anything you ever wanted. The people were all amazingly nice, and even if it was just because we were Americans it gave a welcoming feeling. I met some students at a high school in Shanghai, and we really hit it off. They were just like the kids from my own school, and they even listened to the same music. I felt sympathetic for them though, because they spent their entire pre-college career studying for a test that determined their futures. Then, I realized it was a lot like the SAT and ACT.
Saying goodbye to those kids and to China was hard, but I learned a lot from the trip, the things I saw, and the people I met. I have a much greater understanding and respect for other cultures and the way they get things done; if the U.S. does not get its act together, these people are going to surpass us without a second thought.
You don't need the comma after "There were so many goods, lining the market place."
Oops! Thanks for the catch.
Hey there. Do u plan to use this as ur short essay or the short one on Common App?
I know the whole traveling to Chinba thing must be really intersting for u and u probabaly wanna talk about all u encountered during ur trip. However, ur essay should be sth about u that can help college admission officers to gain a greater insight into u as a person. You ought to reflect more on the new perspectives gained from your experience instead of what u did on the trip. I assume u wanna elaborate a East-West cultural difference, right? Also, avoid overexpressing ur surprise, that could make u sound naive.
