Any kind of feedback appreciated.
Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum)
"I can't believe I'm actually doing this" I thought, as I stood in the field helping my future teammates set up the golf nets. One of my friends had asked me if I wanted to join golf, and as much as I didn't really have an interest in it, I decided to try it out for the benefit of getting in shape and having something to put on college applications. Even so, I couldn't help but complain about how pointless the so-called sport seemed. After a few practice hits though, I found it to be quite invigorating. I've never been into sports due to the fact that I always seem to do badly in all the ones that I do try. Yet, according to the coaches, I was doing a relatively good job of hitting the golf ball. Tryouts were held and I actually made the team. To be honest though, we were no good; We never won a match, but we all still had fun playing. I truly hated the days that I had a game, but I wouldn't miss going out to the golf range to hit some golf balls with my friends.
Think about the purpose of the short essay ... to provide a glimpse into your personality and writing ability. With just a cursory reading, it stood out as being negative to me. Look at your word choice: can't believe I'm actually doing this, I didn't really have an interest in it, something to put on a college applications, couldn't help but complain about how pointless the so-called sport seemed, I've never been into sports, I always seem to do badly in all the ones I do try, we were no good, we never won a match, I truly hated the days ...
It doesn't have to be all sunshine and roses, but you don't want to come across as someone who is always whining either.
Yeah, I was thinking it was negative too, but I just wanted to see what others thought. Alright, thanks, I'm going to revise it a bit.
Ok, I've taken a few things out (yes, the part about me doing it for college apps) and reworded it. I want to show how at first I was negative about it, but then I found out that I actually enjoyed it; if you guys think that's fine, how can I show that without sounding too negative? and I really think I'm missing something.. Is there something I need to elaborate more on? Also, I'm not sure I can manage reducing "I", but should I really try? Last thing - I don't like my last sentence, it sounds cliche, but I really didn't know what else to put. Suggestions?
Picking up the sport of golf taught me that....
This was one case where I learned that trying new things out isn't going to hurt anyone.
Not one case lol.
I wouldn't miss going out to the golf range to hit some golf balls with my friends. The refreshing atmosphere made it an enjoyable thing to do on your lonesome as well.I wouldn't miss going out to the golf range to hit some golf balls with my friends or even alone. With the refreshing atmosphere, it was enjoyable with or without company.
^ I really don't know, but it sounded a bit random.
It IS better than the first, though.
Golf may have been the sport that brought a higher level of activity into my life, but it will also be remembered as the decision that has and will continue to impact the remainder of my life.
My advice to you is to try to show more passion through this essay. If this is the real way you felt about golf then maybe you can find another EC that your more passionate about? If not then I would try to take out more of the negativity like, "To be honest though, we were no good; we never won a match, but that didn't mean that we didn't enjoy playing." and replace it with something like "Although we never won a match, (explain how fun it was)"
Alright, thanks, I'll try to fix it up and if I feel like I just can't, maybe I will look for something else to write about. Thanks again for the input everyone!