Hey Guys. I'm new to this Website. I wrote this Essay to show the admission officers my belief and my inner voice. I'm trying to be critical in this Essay. Because I wanna them to see a very different me this time. I looking forward to hear some advices from you. Thank you so much! Please be constructive.
Everything I do, I believe in challenging the status quo. I believe in thinking differently. I never tried to define myself as a "good student" as if I have some privilege in the class to bully or to be superior to others. Neither do I completely define myself into some other nouns. All I want is to live an authentic life myself.
Even though I had high grades in my class and ranked top in my school, I never lost the connections with the students who didn't possess these honors. I was familiar with everyone in my class and I could talk freely to them. It's the way I felt more comfortable that they don't look up to me as a monotonous guy who only sticks up with the words told by his parents and teachers or a nerd as stiff as a poker, but they are willingly to share their difficulties and joyous with me. So the most gossip I heard about me weren't about how I did on my last test, but about what's my new ideas for the next project.
I don't have certain routines to follow. But I do have my own belief to prop up the things I do. In spit of my decisions could be crazy for some, nothing could sway my belief. Once a vagrant sited aside the street holding a sign with the unlucky experiences he encountered and how urgent he could use a help. And there was a decent dressed man coming. He was moved and felt sympathetic towards this vagrant sitting on the ground. Then he stopped and searching all his pockets for a penny, but he didn't find any. Then he looked awkwardly at the already hand-poked vagrant. He pulled out his hand and held that untidy hand tightly. There is nothing special about this story. But in reality, this is bloody hard to achieve. When I say bloody, it's not just an adjective. It really means sanguinary. Each high school has their classified lunch tables. I never took these classifications serious whether others all followed these rules or not. I sit with my friend of all "classes" which could be a catastrophe for some. I got others' resent eyes lots of times, red and blue, stare and wry, surprises and inquiries. I did get into trouble with all kinds of questionings, warnings and rumors, rude and friendly, commanding and judging. But one answer from me only --- They are my friend. I paid all my respect and nothing can stop me from doing the right thing. Some of my friends had the prejudices towards others would gradually get used to these no barriers communication times and started to sit with different "grades and classes". They soon found out how fun and how commodious this is to get out their own world and to hear the voice from distinctive views. I'm truly happy to have more and more varies views to sit with and share with. I'll keep doing it. One day, the majority would understand the "world of no discrimination". If I defined myself or choose my routine too frivolously, I could never apprehend that much.
High school launch tables are just much peaceful gestated battle fields. But I can see it represent the way people took the excuse for survival, which is pretty reasonable at first. Then the desire has grown and became infinity, endlessness and greed. People fight over the squabbles in name of being prestigious. Being a "wealthy and prestigious" man is the definition they made for themselves. For me, they are just too feared and too naïve to recognize they are all on the same boat aiming for the same destination. In order to maintain their success and reputations, "different species" live under the stress of egoism, jingoism and unscrupulousness to intrigue against each other instead of being synchronizing. We, the human, depict ourselves as --- God made us the same look as his --- to grant us the right to conquer and to be superior to the creatures universally. We took the selfish way to make us feel better in the short-run instead of taking the responsibility to the creatures. We choose to be blind to other's sufferings and miseries because we adore "freely extravagant". But now, we have to face the inevitable request for change. I, with my belief, would like to take that responsibility personally, and undertake the task of finding a new life-style that could balance the need and supply. This is revolutionary and definitely requires lots of efforts for all the aspects that we need to round up. I would think it for long-run benefits which could make it all harder by requiring our concessions and compromises.
I have a dream that one day metropolitan cities full of trees, and in the night, lights shedding mild sun-light on the streets.
I have a dream that one day while us walking, birds land on our shoulders for a pad and a corn.
I have a dream that people from seven continents could exhilaratingly join the gathering at towns sharing the peaces and developments with the fresh air and indigo sky, stepping on the fluffy grasses and crisp foliages.
I say, even though we faced the difficulties of today and tomorrows, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the Common Dream, the dream of harmony, Peace and thriving.
I would take the first step, an essential one, to study Environmental Science at Columbia University. Not only because Columbia University is the frontier of Environmental Science Field, but also because Columbia University is my strongest inspiration. Whenever I dream big, even though I myself very determined, I still feel not secure enough. Every time flashing in my mind, the spirit of Columbia University stands to back me up and to reaffirm me. Each year, scholars at Columbia University launching new researches no one else has ever done, it is the spirit of the whole Columbia University's community. Not afraid of challenges is what I love the most about Columbia University. On one end, it goes strictly with Education and Learning, but on the other end, it encourages students to be constructive and critical. That's why I believe the academic ambiance of Columbia University is the best match for me. On my life path, I walked a very distinguished way because I created the new ideas myself and kept my faith. In one hand, I scheme the coming-ups meticulously; in the other hand, I trusted my gut and set out an ambitious new journey with all my audacity. I am aggressive; nevertheless, I'm responsible for all the risks. Columbia University did it so successful. That inspires and encourages so many of us to stand resolutely towards the challenges. A community full of witty man with justice is formidable.
first,"wanna"is informal word in writing."I looking forward to hear some advices from you" you have made a grammer mistake.Correct:"I'm looking forward to hearing...."Please notice you verb "be"
"if I have some privilegeprivileges "
"but and "is too hard to use.they are advanced vocabulary. you can't use it so easy!you can use "although,while"instead of
you have many errors,such as "In spitinspite of my decisions could be crazy for some" in spite of +n. If you want to add clause, you can write like this :"in spite of the fact that my decisions could be crazy for some."
you also have good thing--wide vocabulary.
good job
Everything I do, I believe in challenging the status quo. ----This sentence doesn't really make sense!
It might be better like this:
In everything I do, I am willing to challenge the status quo. I believe in thinking differently. I never tried to define myself as a "good student" as if I have some privilege in the class to bully or to be superior to others. ----How does being a good student enable one to bully?
It's the way I felt more comfortable; they don't look up to me as a monotonous guy who only sticks up with the words told with the expectations of his parents and teachers or a nerd as stiff as a poker, but they are willingly willing to share their difficulties and joyous joys with me...
...about what's my new ideas for the next project.
I have a dream that one day while us we are walking, birds land on our shoulders for a pad and a corn.
I have a dream that people...---Hey, you can't just steal Martin Luther King Jr.'s strategy of repeating "I have a dream..."
I think you should revise this essay so that it focuses more on your plan, your career interest. This essay should not be about you, but instead it should be about the subject you want to master and the goals you want to accomplish. It should be a statement of what is important, and that means you should stop making claims about you and start making an argument about the importance of a particular effort you want to make in the world.
:-)
Thank you so much Kevin!!
Thank you for reviewing my essay. The errors you pointed out were my serious problems. As for "I have a dream", I only wanted to borrow it to express the feeling of human mutual responsibility and benefit. I thought it is very obviouse for others to identify it's Dr. King's speech. So no one would confuse it with the word stealing.
I wrote this essay to give others a picture of why I want to do such things. It is like a belief to me. So, whatever I do. I will follow my mind. I thought it's the core which I should show. Of course, I do have plans and career interests. I'd like to keep my project going and learning and attending programs in Universtiy which are already being clarified in other essays. As you can see, those are only short-term goals. I thought searching my long-term career goal shuld be my mean purpose in University.
Definitely, I should focus on my specific schemes for the future, Only I have to figure it out myself first. Thank you for the advices. You have being very helpful. Enjoy your weekend!
Thank you so much for your reviewing Ms, Song.
Thank you for point out my errors for me. You've being very helpful. And I certainly should revise it again. I'm expecting to let you point out more grammar errors, so I could learn more and improve more.
Have a great weekend!
Your thesis should catch the reader. -"Everything I do, I believe in challenging the status quo. I believe in thinking differently. "
Also, the first paragraph usually sets a rhythm when reading your essay. Sentences like - "I don't have certain routines to follow. But I do have my own belief to prop up the things I do."
I would consider this as your free write. You have all the information that would make a great essay, now revise it.
I thought it is very obviouse for others to identify it's Dr. King's speech. So no one would confuse it with the word stealing.
If you mentioned him in the essay, then he would become a theme, and this use of his dream expression would be an excellent way to advance your theme. But in order to do that, I think you need to mention Kind somewhere in the essay.
... attending programs in Universtiy which are already being clarified in other essays. As you can see, those are only short-term goals. I thought searching my long-term career goal shuld be my mean purpose in University. ---About this, I think it makes sense. Many topics might be covered in other essays, and you have to stay focused on your goal for this essay.
:-)
This is a great thread!
