In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
Do you believe in fate:
A couple of months ago I went on a journey that changed my future. My father won an all expenses paid cruise to Mexico: Cabo San Lucas, Mazatlan, and Puerto Vallarta. He was not even supposed to win this trip. It was by luck, you could say, that Sterling took the next one-hundred people along that just missed their sales goal. It was my first cruise and I was thrilled, yet at the same time kind of nervous. Once on the massive ship there are certain excursions you can book for each port. I wanted to go on the ATV excursion so bad, but as it turns out the law is the same in Mexico and you have to be eight-teen to ride. I was seven-teen. We settle on the next best thing which was a Jeep 4x4 excursion, which was fun. This was at Puerto Vallarta, where I met the person that cleared my vision of the future. My father and I got paired up with him and his wife. His name was Louis and boy did he love to talk. He asked me what I planed to do when I graduated high school and I told him college. He asked me what I wanted to be and I told him that I was not sure. We started to talk, and then he began to tell me about his career as a nuclear engineer. I did not think much of it at the time other than it being interesting. A couple of days later in the airport my father was reading a newspaper article about the rise in population of nuclear plants across the United States. It didn't hit me instantly, but as time passed I became more and more interested in this genre of study. I based my senior high school schedule strongly around math and science: AP Calculus, AP Physics, and AP Environmental Science, to name a few of my classes. I have always had a passionate interest in math and science, and have consistently excelled in them, as far as grades. Since the trip I have invested many hours into researching the opportunities and requirements of the field. Not knowing my profession, I went through almost my first three years of high school devoted to The University of South Florida, but now having been enlightened about the endless opportunity in this field at The University of Florida my path has taken a turn for the better. I can see myself enjoying studying engineering here and making a lifetime career of it. Call it what you whish, but I call it fate.
Kind of a good story to hear but,I have not seen where you have reflected on student responsibility, academic integrity,campus citizenship and/or call of duty/service.It's good ,though keep on working harder and harder.
Call it what you wish... Not what you whish (I bet you was using a cellular mobile phone).
I bet you was using a cellular mobile phone
That's funny...
:-)
It was my first cruise and I was thrilled, yet at the same time kind of nervous. (Right after this sentence, add a thesis statement that tells the main idea of the whole essay. Then, end the first paragraph. Start paragraph 2:
Once on the massive ship there are certain excursions you can book for each port. I wanted...
When you add that thesis statement, make it a statement about "affect your college experience or your contribution." I agree with Charz; it is important to focus on one of the ideas they mentioned. So, use a theme of responsibility or a call to service! :-) You can write about how you have a responsibility to motivate others to work hard and make the most of the courses, and your solid interest in this subject burdens you with a responsibility to be a leader among your peers in this field of study.
Use paragraphs!! One paragraph = one idea
One essay = one big idea made up of smaller ideas
:-)
to be eight-teen to ride. I was seven-teen.
it should be eighteen and seventeen. no hyphen in required.
I wanted to go on the ATV excursion so bad
so is a placeholder for very or really. This sentence could be I wanted to go on the ATV excursion very badly.
We settle on the next best thing which was a Jeep 4x4 excursion. which was fun.
Delete the bolded section, it's wordy, and an admissions officer won't care.
He asked me what I planed to do when I graduated high
Should be planned.
He asked me what I planed to do when I graduated high school and I told him college. He asked me what I wanted to be and I told him that I was not sure.
Try not to repeat the same words. it gets very repetitive.
I did not think much of it at the time other than it being interesting.
it would be interesting.
It didn't hit me instantly, but as time passed I became more and more interested in this genre of study
Change to field
and have consistently excelled in them. as far as grades
Not knowing my profession, I went through almost my first three years of high school devoted to The University of South Florida. However I have been enlightened by the endless opportunities in this field at The University of Florida. my path has taken a turn for the better
Also note that proof reading goes a long way.
