What matters to you, and why?
I believe in laughter. From the humble giggle to the uncontrollable, out-of-breath crack up, laughter can change the course of a day. Laughter has the power to heal, to calm, and to accentuate the joy of life.
When I was in fifth grade, my best friend was a short, freckled, red-haired ball of energy named Jeremiah. He was the antithesis to my serious shyness, but he was my perfect fit. Jeremiah found humor in anything, from bouncing on the trampoline to the concussion he got from wrestling with his dad. Perhaps my fondest memory is laughing with Jeremiah as our bare feet scurried through the green summer grass, soaking up the fleeting bliss of childhood.
When Jeremiah passed away five years ago, I found it difficult to laugh. The shock of his young death was utterly heartbreaking. My perfect fit was no longer in my life. My serious, introverted side took me over.
Once my grief began to subside, I realized I couldn't let Jeremiah go. I had to embrace his joyful, energetic spirit and learn from his infinite childhood wisdom. Laughter is the ultimate example of living in the moment. With laughter, worry melts away. Genuine joy takes over. Laughter is the visible embodiment of happiness, a state everyone strives for.
Jeremiah taught me that laughter is a requirement for a happy life. While I now have many qualities of seriousness, composure, and thoughtfulness, in the end what matters to me is enjoying the present.
What a beautiful essay! This sounds personal yet shows your intelligence without sounding like thesaurus. You used uncommon words, but your essay still flows smoothly and easy to read.
However, you lose the flow of your essay in the last paragraph; the essay starts to sound a little monotonous. The sentences sound as separate sentences instead of a unity as in previous paragraphs.
Ex : Genuine joy takes over. Laughter is the visible embodiment of happiness, a state everyone strives for.
Jeremiah taught me that laughter is a requirement for a happy life. While I now have many qualities of seriousness, composure, and thoughtfulness, in the end what matters to me is enjoying the present.
The sentences doesn't sound relating to each other, maybe you can add some transitional words between sentences to unify them. But overall, your essay is in the level of a Stanford student. Good job!
What an amazing essay! A few minor things ..
As melramadhani indicated, the flow does break a tad when you transition to this line - "Laughter is the ultimate example of living in the moment. ..." I think you're trying to indicate how you bounced back from the tragedy, and I'm sure you could make it flow better.
"scurried through the green summer grass" -> Just that, or was it something else? Maybe running through sprinklers? Maybe something more interesting? :-)
"soaking up the fleeting bliss of childhood" -> beautiful imagery
He was the antithesis to my serious shyness, but he was my perfect fit.
but -> yet?
Hi! I really love your idea about your supplemental essay!
Yet, I find that maybe you could revise it a little bit. Your flow for the last two paragraphs isn't very smooth.
I think you should paraphrase your last two paragraph. You could use some connection words or put what you want to say in a new draft and then revise in under someone's help, maybe your teacher or classmate. You should write your reflection clearly and coherently. And your ultimate change, or what lesson you get from the laughter should be " show but not tell" in the conclusion.
Overall, the essay is quite captivating and moved.
Good luck :)
Wow, thank you all for your insightful advice and your praise! I really appreciate you reading my essay. I have edited the last two paragraphs, here they are in case you would like to look them over.
"When Jeremiah passed away five years ago, it was difficult to laugh for a long stretch of time. The shock of his young death was utterly heartbreaking. My perfect fit was no longer in my life. My serious, introverted side took me over.
Once my grief began to subside, I realized I didn't have to let Jeremiah go. I could embrace his joyful, energetic spirit and learn from his infinite young wisdom. Jeremiah knew that laughter makes daily worries melt away; it is the ultimate expression of living in the moment, the visible embodiment of happiness. I have kept Jeremiah's lessons with me today. While I do have prevalent qualities of seriousness, composure, and thoughtfulness, what matters to me most is enjoying the present with a good laugh."
well, this is better. Good luck then :)
