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My beloved island of Puerto Rico - UF Admission Essay


jessyalm 1 / 2  
Oct 26, 2008   #1
Describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your family, your school or community activities, or your involvement in areas outside of school.

When I first moved from my beloved island of Puerto Rico to the small town of Poinciana, Florida, I was scared and did not know what to expect from the transition. I was hundreds of miles away from my family and friends, expected to dominate a new language in a foreign country, and start my life over from scratch. Eventually, I overcame these difficulties with my persistence and determination. I never gave up my desire to learn and succeed; in fact, I tried repeatedly until I reached my best in school. I have always been a person that believes determination and persistence can get you anywhere, and this truly helped me overcome the obstacles and challenges that faced me. I was afraid at first, but with time, I made new friends and adjusted to my new life in the United States. I realized my hard work was finally paying off.

When I entered high school, the college search was just but beginning. It all seemed so far away freshman year, not many of my classmates thought about college at all. Yet, I gradually became interested in nutrition and health, and since then my goal has been to get into the University of Florida's Dietetics program. I want to make an impact on people and raise awareness about our increasing obese population, especially in children. I know that if University of Florida where to accept me, I would love to work towards meeting this goal. I believe every single one of us is unique in a certain way and brings something special into University of Florida's community. I am not an exception for I would bring my commitment and passion into campus. Students, as well as faculty, like to learn more about other cultures and as a result benefit from each other's ideas. It would be my pleasure to share my experiences and cultural traditions with all of University of Florida's community.

Life is like a roller coaster, full of twists and turns. Not everything will go as planned; however, the important thing is to enjoy the ride and adapt to each situation. Since life is unpredictable, sometimes you have to forfeit possessions that you are comfortable with in order to progress and grow as a person. I already have made sacrifices in the past; indeed, I moved to a foreign country and overcame subsequent obstacles. Moreover, my persistence, determination, and willingness to learn helped me define the way I look and act in life. I have a strong desire to be a part of University of Florida's upcoming freshman class of 2009 and become a Registered Dietitian in the near future. I am ready to bring all of my passion and dedication to University of Florida's campus, along with my values and traditions. Diversity makes college a bigger learning experience for us all, so I am ready to make my part and become a student at University of Florida.
OP jessyalm 1 / 2  
Oct 26, 2008   #2
This one was originally my first draft, but I'm not sure which one to choose. I would really appreciate if you could read both and give me an honest opinion. Thanx!

I have always been determined in life. I achieve all I set my mind to and overcome every obstacle that comes my way. Sometimes change can be an easy thing to deal with, other times it may turn out to be a burden. Either way, we've all experienced it at some point in our lives. Mine came four years ago, when I first moved from my beloved island of Puerto Rico to the small town of Poinciana in Florida.

I was thirteen at the time and unsure of what to expect from this unsolicited change. Leaving all my family and friends behind was hard and greatly felt at first, when one is surrounded by uncertainty and solitude. I started eighth grade somewhat frightened and nervous, conscious by the fact that I would have to make new friends and speak a new language. I've always been more introverted than most of my peers, but that day I was determined not to let that fear become center stage in my life. I was resolute to make new friends and adapt to my new life in this foreign country, and most importantly to succeed in it.

Since that day, I have learned we all have an inner force that guides us through life. It is just our decision to obtain the benefits and make the most of it. I feel I have grown both emotionally and intellectually over the past years and have defined my life better. I have become less shy and more outgoing, and it is one of those changes you are just glad have taken place. I know what I want and I'm not afraid to go and get it. Right now, as I am about to graduate from high school, another change is about to take place, possibly the most important for my future. Going to college.

Recently, I have had an interest in nutrition and healthy eating habits. With obesity threatening our children and adults as well, America faces a grim future ahead of them. I want to make an impact in people's lives and make them see the dangers overeating can bring. UF has just the right career path for me, Dietetics. Being accepted would be the greatest accomplishment in my life. Like I have mentioned before, determination has played a crucial role in how my life has turned out, but I could have never done it without the help of my parents. They have always been there for me whenever I needed them the most. My mom especially, has constantly pushed me to do the best I can and supported all my decisions. I remember her saying to me, "You either do things right, or you don't do them at all." Moreover, I must say it has worked, and I thank them both for the support and affection they have given me throughout life.

Life is like a roller coaster, with its eternal ups and downs. One can never hide from problems forever, but what we can do is embrace them and see them as the loops that make us thrill from excitement. We may change our course but that should not represent a setback, but an innovation and a chance to rediscover ourselves. I've chosen my ride to be the University of Florida and I'm sure it's one I'd never want to get out of.
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Oct 27, 2008   #3
Good afternoon.

I like the first essay better. It addresses the prompt more directly, and answers all of its questions. The second piece seems a bit too "saccharine sweet" in that it seems to have a lot of extra, unnecessary details. You explain more easily in the first piece how you will effect your future campus in the first piece, and it flows a bit easier than the second. In regards to mechanics, in the first piece, make sure you are only capitalizing proper nouns and the first words of sentences; if the word doesn't fall into either of those categories, it shouldn't be capitalized.

I hope this helps you decide.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
OP jessyalm 1 / 2  
Oct 27, 2008   #4
Yes, I was originally leaning more towards the first one too. Thank you so much for your time!


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