Please give me some feedback on this!!! Thank you a lot!!!
I press the button. It makes suuuump and a little blue light next to the power-button of my laptop lights up. But nothing else happens. I look at the monitor. It is black. And it stays black. I try again. Nothing. My beloved laptop just decided that its very last day has come. Time to say goodbye - to my personal statement, my resume, my supplements, the Christmas Video I made for my parents- literally everything that was saved on my laptop.
It is the 29th of December 2009, three days before THE day - the day College applications are due. Of course I forgot to make backup copies. But I consider my self to be lucky to be one of those people that just take a deep breath and start over.
I wonder what to write about. I cannot rewrite the same essay, it is like I would not be able to paint the same painting twice. It would miss its originality.
But then I want to give you a sense of the whole "me", not just of a part of me. That would be like looking at a regional map, trying to determine the shape of a whole country. It does not work. That is one of the things I discovered early. I was six years when I realized that my home country Germany, unlike Italy, does not have a special shape. It is just weird-shaped. Just like ... . Oh I was so disappointed.
But lets start from the beginning. I am fortunate enough to share my birthday with a whole country. But being born on the fourth of July was not the only reason why my parents soon started to call me "Little Miss Independency". With six I decided to move out if my parents would not soon get me the older brother I wished for so badly. (I was luck and got one, unfortunately he was younger though) With eight I hoped to develop magic forces to heal my mom from cancer and with ten I announced that from then on I would be able to deal with my dyslexia and school in general by myself. My parents always let me go my own way and their trust in my maturity paid off.
When I was sixteen, I fell in love. With education. Not a typical love story but it has been a rewarding relationship so far. The never-ending desire to learn more and to constantly challenge myself, still gives me a special feeling of excitement. The same kind of feeling you have when you are allowed to stay up late as a little kid. Or the prickle you feel on your tongue when eating sour gummy candy. It is the feeling of tingling skin that overcomes me whenever I understand a little bit more of the complex world I am living in -when I am able to appreciate richness and diversity. And most of all, when I feel I have strengthened my abilities to shape the world to the better, because that is after all, what I want to accomplish in life.
So I guess you could say I am very idealistic. I would describe myself more as a dreamer and a realist at the same time- always a far goal, high standards for myself, and always determined but there is time for reflection, for listening to my own voice, for ideas. I love walking in the rain, riding through New Mexico's woods, and ... It inspires me but the best ideas come to me right before I fall asleep. But then I can never remember them on the next morning. I have tried hard, but it does not work. One day I will keep a notebook under my pillow, because my roommate keeps telling me I could have already saved the world twice, if I had written down all the ideas that I talk about at two in the morning. But until then, I will remain stubborn trying to remember my ideas until the next morning.
So what else is there to know about me?
I am the kind of person that starts doing Tai Chi when stuck in an elevator, that tries to save the world in a small scale and constantly falls on its nose. But I am always ready to stand up again, if that means applying to UWC twice or walking forty kilometers to make an, already as canceled declared, camp for kids in India.
If holidays were longer, you would find me crossing the Atlantic by ship to get home, just because it is more sustainable.
I am the person you would like to have next to you when you need a cup of tea and a wise advise, but than you would not want me...
I would choose listening over talking and being wise over being rich but then I would choose chocolate over most things in this world.
I am sometimes sad, grumpy, afraid and miserable but I am happy to be alive, enjoying, loving and lovable. After all I am just a human being, trying to make the best out of my life and a data loss three days before application deadline.
On the whole, I think it's a good one, but you might want to mention just what your original essay was about. A few words would probably suffice, but I, as the reader, was curious about that as I read it.
3 spelling mistakes that I noticed (but my first language is not English so please keep looking in case I missed other ones):
fourth of July (with U)- but you could simply write 4th
"paid off" (with two "f"s)
an what you want to accomplish in "life" not "live" because the latter is the verb version (at the end of the 5th paragraph)
You might have already noticed this but I thought I would register here to be able to post you this answer just in case you haven't.
Hope this helped (Gosh, I wish I had my essay finished by now.)
...you're lying. December 30th hasn't even come yet. I guess colleges won't know that, but then they're just going to see this as an excuse.
sorry, you are right, it's the 29th...holidays always make me forget the actual date... I have a day longer to rewrite the rest! :)
Thanks for you comment agotadubi I am not a native speaker either...
Oh haha, I thought it was just a made-up story to try to be clever and creative. Sorry!
"or walking forty kilometer to make a camp for kids in India happen that was already declared canceled." - the modifyer "that was already declared canceled" is placed at the wrong place and causes the sentence to be awkward. Also, isn't it "40 kilometers"? That was the only big error I caught.
An advice about the essay in general - it is too long. Almost 900 words is definitely too much, so you must shorten it a bit, at least make it around 700 words. I liked the essay because it was easy and fun to read (not that heavy like some others), though, pay attention that not all colleges may unquestionably accept that you lost your essays and hadn't saved them nowhere... the odds for this to happen are a bit...well, you know.
anyway, i hope i helped. could you help me with my posts as well (JHU essay and carleton supplement)? Thanks in advance :)
Okay so here is the new version... poisonivy, could you tell me what is wrong with the sentence you pointed out? (sorry I am not a native speaker...)
Well, im not a native speaker either :)
Anyways, the error is that the part "that was already declared canceled" stands right after "happen", while it should stand next to "a camp for kids in India".
"or walking forty kilometer to make a camp for kids in India (that was already declared canceled) happen." - that could be a way to solve this, maybe you can find a better one
Okay, thank you!
Anybody else any suggestions? I NEED YOUR FEEDBACK!
The essay looks good...I like how your righting about how u only have three days left brfore common apps are due and how u coped with it...I also agree with poison IVY...it isnt heavy like others but that may be unique for you.. By the way can u read my essay too? (Engineering planned course of study; UVA supplement) Thanks
supplements, and the Christmas Video I made for my parents.
literally everything that was saved on my laptop. you don't have to say that, the reader understands.
I was six years old when I realized that
my home country Germany, unlike Italy, does not have a special shape. It is just weirdly shaped. Just like ... . Oh I was so disappointed.
I am sometimes sad, grumpy, afraid and miserable, but I am happy...