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Bentley's supplement (personal approach to students)


jolapham 2 / 11  
Dec 25, 2009   #1
Please help me with grammar and content. I really don't know if this is good enough. Any advise and suggestions greatly appreciated!

Please discuss your interest in Bentley and the aspects of our community that will help you reach your academic and personal goals. (1000 characters - I've got 5 left)

One of the prime factors that compelled me to apply to Bentley University is its personal approach to students. As I live in Hanoi, thousands of miles from Waltham, I was thrilled when Bentley offered me what I thought was an impossible - an interview with an admission officer. What I derive from this fact is that the school attaches great attention to individuals and is willing to spend more time and efforts to get to know each applicant.

The university composes of highly competitive, resolute students who are willing to take the opportunity of excellent education the school provides. Bentley's graduates are, thus, intelligent, well-rounded, inquiring minds, who benefited all advantages of an advanced business curriculum, exceptional liberal arts schooling and the emphasis on technical skills. Moreover, Bentley's heterogeneous community would help me gain knowledge about different cultures and perspectives - an essential if I want to use my business skills in a global context.
BlessedHands23 4 / 8  
Dec 26, 2009   #2
One of the prime factors that compelled me to apply to Bentley University is its personal approach to students. As I live in Hanoi ,(change the way you being this sentence) thousands of miles from Waltham, I was thrilled when Bentley offered me what I thought was an impossible - an interview with an admission officer. What I derive from this fact is that the school attaches great attention to individuals and is willing to spend more time and efforts to get to know each applicant.

The university composes of highly competitive, resolute students who are willing to take the opportunity of excellent education the school providestake the opportunity of the excellent education that the school provides . Bentley's graduates are, thus, intelligent, well-rounded, inquiring minds, who benefited all advantages of an advanced business curriculum, exceptional liberal arts schooling and the emphasis on technical skills. Moreover, Bentley's heterogeneous community would help me gain knowledge about different cultures and perspectives - an essential if I want to use my business skills in a global context.
OP jolapham 2 / 11  
Dec 27, 2009   #3
Thank you very very much! :)
I've been thinking about how to change the 2nd sentence (As I live in Hanoi...admission officer), but couldn't find a solution. Do you have any suggestions? And what do you think about this short answer in general?

I'd appreciate any kind of help. Thank you! :)
OP jolapham 2 / 11  
Dec 28, 2009   #4
Could you help me rephrase the 2nd sentence? It just doesn't read well. I've been trying and trying, but I can't think of anything. My brain cells are just frozen. :(

Thank you in advance!
BlessedHands23 4 / 8  
Dec 28, 2009   #5
umm...you can begin it with Since, or Due to the fact that, but since is better, and its a good essay, you answered the question properly and its within the character limit
OP jolapham 2 / 11  
Dec 30, 2009   #6
Thank you so much! You really helped a lot.


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