1. An overview of your educational and life experiences;
2. What you plan to do after completing your education;
3. Why you wish to return (or not return) to your home
country;
4. Description of ways you have positively impacted your
community.
pursuing Business degree at Berea
I am currently studying as a 12th-grade student at Ordu Social Sciences High School. In the preparatory class of my high school, I noticed my interest in English, Politics, Economics, Entrepreneurship and Technology. I joined the Orienteering Team of Ordu Social Sciences High School. At the end of World Orienteering Day activities in 2016, I was awarded a diploma by the International Orienteering Federation. In April 2017, I was entitled to attend the Social Entrepreneurship Seminar organized by Anadolu Foundation. In May 2017, I attended the Atayurt Young Entrepreneurship Summit in Eskişehir and had the opportunity to work with known entrepreneurs and CEOs of Turkey.
In February 2017, we presented our theme and robot as Ordu Social Sciences High School Robotics Team in the 13th FLL Tournaments with the theme of Animals: Our Life Partners. I was awarded a Certificate of Achievement by the school administration for successfully representing my school. In April 2018, I attended the KSBLMUN conference held at Abdullah Gül University as a member of my school's MUN club and took an important role in the Social, Humanitarian, and Cultural Committee. I also successfully represented my school and my region at the World Robot Olympics 2018 event with the theme "Food Issue" in May 2018. In May 2018, I competed with the robot I designed in the competition held in the Science and Art Center until the final in the sumo category. At the end of the sophomore year, I was awarded a Certificate of Achievement by my school for my achievements in robot competitions again.
In 2018, I applied and got accepted for the US Department of State's KL-YES scholarship program. The KL-YES program was established in October 2002 and funded by the U.S. Department of State, provides scholarships for secondary school students from countries with significant Muslim populations to spend one academic year in the United States. The main goal of the program is to build bridges between nations, to provide intercultural interaction and to train youth ambassadors who will establish peace in the world. So far in my life, it has been my greatest achievement. I was aware that this scholarship would have a significant impact on my life, but I did not expect that much.
I completed my junior grade at Norwell High School in Indiana, USA. As long as I was in Norwell, I had been a member of many clubs. I qualified for the Norwell Swimming team during the winter season. I swam to the State Championship with my team. I also qualified for the Norwell Track & Field team in the spring season. During this season, I also played an active role in the establishment of the Unified Track Team affiliated with the Special Olympics within the school. As a result of these efforts, I had the chance to compete with our school's disabled athletes in our Unified Track Team. During my education in the United States, I was awarded Distinction Honor Roll of Norwell for my outstanding academic achievement. Throughout my exchange year, I have been involved in many volunteering activities. I received a Certificate of Appreciation from the US Department of State in November 2018 for my efforts to promote Turkish culture and Turkish history at International Education Week.
I believe in the power of international education. I have experienced the effects of diversity and togetherness of different nations by being an exchange student in the USA.
I would like to talk about my friend from my host school. She was an Armenian who lives in Lebanon. I went to my host community and school later than other exchange students. When I went to my host school on my first day, all the other exchange students welcomed me, except one, Paula. I didn't know anything about her past or her life. All I knew about her was her name, Paula, and the Lebanese flag on her locker showing where she came from. When I realized that she was being distant to me, I tried to be as friendly as I could to her but she still did not seem to intend to be friends with me. Much later, I learned that she was distant to me because I was Turkish. Our coordinator responsible for exchange students at school, Mrs. Casto, told me about this.
One day, after I made a presentation about Turkey, the Turkish culture and history for the International Education Week at the school, all exchange students gathered together to have lunch. I had the opportunity to talk to Paula during this lunch. We understood that neither Paula has any issues with me nor mine with Paula. We realized that the problem between us was only the events throughout history and the result of the current politicians making us enemies. After talking about all this together, Paula and I became very close friends. If I hadn't had the chance to study abroad, perhaps I would never have had the opportunity to meet an Armenian, or Paula would have never met a Turk.
I believe that this is the power of international education. It breaks the ices between people, empowers individuals to view events from different windows and forms a bridge between nations and cultures around the world. This is something that will continue to affect me throughout my life and play an important role in my development.
The new knowledge and experiences I have gained during my exchange year in the USA have fueled my desire to study business. For the first time I have lived in a place outside my country, Turkey, have shown me a real-life experience of other economic systems and different methods of marketing and business management. Turkey's one of the biggest problems is unemployment. What causes unemployment is that companies in the country cannot create added value in general. Although Turkey is a developed country and has strong production, the weaknesses in design, marketing, and innovation lead to unemployment and the collapse of the economy. The biggest factor causing these weaknesses and problems is the weak management of the companies in the market. Also, entrepreneurs in Turkey do not have enough knowledge of market and business and this makes their brilliant ideas become failed startups.
I also believe in lifelong learning and self-improvement. In this direction, I have been involved in the learning programs of many universities around the world and I have received many certificates from them.
Since I returned to Turkey I am actively volunteering in the Salt Youth Association for European Union projects and YES Alumni Turkey as a member of the Commission of Promotion and the Commission of Student Selection and Examination. As YES Alumni Turkey Association, we made projects that provided economic and social assistance to refugee women and their families, visited the schools of children with bad economical conditions in undeveloped regions of Turkey to conduct experiments and projects that would awaken their sense of curiosity and science and organized an educational project called "English through Peace" for teens in high school in Turkey.
I want to study business because I saw the problems of the companies in Turkey, and I want to take my place in the competition in the global economy by transforming my creative ideas into successful businesses as well as other people's dreams and creative ideas.
Business education that I will take in Berea will lead me to take my master's degree in the future also In America, one of the largest and most successful economies in the world, getting a Business degree will lead me to success in a competitive global business world and as a result, it will certainly help me reach out to individuals who have brilliant business ideas and need help both in my own country and elsewhere in the world as a major authority in large companies.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
1. Do I need to add something more for introduction? How should I change my introduction?
2. Does my essay covers all topics
3. Is there any grammar or punctuation mistakes?
4. Should I add something more or delete some parts of the essay?
5. Do I need to add something more for conclusion? How should I end the essay?
Critics are welcomed!
Thank you very much!@bsuzunoglu
HI there! Thanks for coming to the forum. I'll just answer your questions at the very end, so you may assess your writing in accordance to the feedback provided there!
The introduction is alright. However, I would suggest that you try to incorporate a briefing on why all of that information contributes to your goal in pursuing the business degree. While it may appear as though you are indirectly mentioning this already, it would be much better if you are able to relay this piece of information more directly and heads-on. This will serve as your thesis statement that will be carried over also as the core message of the rest of the text.
I think that the essay does cover all of the topics available, which is a great thing because it means you aren't leaving out any critical information that can help them in the assessment of your application. You also do not necessarily have any glaring grammar and punctuation mistakes; however, you do have a tendency to create lengthy, complex sentences which can create quite a blurry message for the rest of the text.
I would suggest deleting the part where you discuss about your Armenian friendly simply because it only clutters your writing. It doesn't really stand out in your application, therefore it won't really add a tremendous amount into the weight of your application. Simply stick with your credentials instead of trying to over-extend the analysis of your application.
The conclusion is a bit off-putting in my opinion because it is too vague. Try to be more specific - focus entirely on the reasons why you have chosen this specific university instead of trying to praise the country too much. Remember that these core messages are what are more important than anything else.
@Maria
thank you very much for your response. by mentioning about my Armenian friend, I wanted to use the pathos through telling a effective story and outting some emoting into the essay. Also I used that story to give an example and describe how international education is important for individuals and nations. Do you think I can use pathos and add some emotions through something different than the story that I have in my essay? Also as a foreign student, I want to emphasize the importance of foreign students and international educations for individuals, nations and the USA.
Thank you very much.
