Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
The personal quality most important to me is my desire to succeed. I have never been the type of person to take second best willingly or to not try at something simply because I don't feel like it. As I've matured, this quality has grown stronger and more prominent than in previous years. It has done a lot to help me get to where I am today, and I hope it will get me to where I want to be in the future.
First, let me explain a little more about this trait and what I mean by it specifically. Throughout my years of schooling, I have met a lot of people who do not have this "desire to succeed" as I see it. If they receive a C, D, or even an F, it is no big deal. In their mind, its just a grade. As for me, I cannot look at a grade like that and be okay with it. The lowest grade I have ever gotten was a C, which happened twice, and I felt terrible about both of them. Those were both during my sophomore year, one I am not very proud of. Since then I've only had one non-A grade - a B+ that I feel I worked very hard for. As I've said, this trait has grown stronger as I've aged.
As this trait grows stronger, I grow more proud of it and thankful for it. I know that I would not be anywhere close to where I am today if I didn't have a drive to succeed; if I was okay with being average. Every single one of my grades and everything I've ever done has been affected by this trait. It is a large part of me as a person and influences everything I do. It does its part to keep me from slacking off and keep me motivated. Without it, I don't think I would be anywhere near the person I am today.
Its a little short... any areas I should add more too? Also, there's not much of a conclusion and no real introductory sentence to start it off. Any and all help is appreciated!
I think its best to include some kind of story or anecdote to go with whatever you are trying to convey. This way the Admissions officer can get to know you as a person better and in doing so you can lengthen your essay.
The topic you picked is kind of broad. Most likely, there are a lot of other people writing about the same thing. I don't think you necessarily need to change your topic, just find a life story that relates to it and successfully sets you apart from those people.
Also a visiting admissions officer advised us that an introductory paragraph and conclusion aren't essential to the personal statement, as you have limited space, in which should be thoroughly utilized to convey to the reader the kind of person you are to the best of your ability.
