I'm not happy with it. Sending to American, Syracuse, Miami and Albany. Feed back?
Elaborate on an extracurricular activity...
Making an individual with disabilities smile is remarkable. But, recognizing the impact that you are developing in their life is beyond words. Best Buddies granted me a unique opportunity to improve the life of a peer with disabilities through the power of friendship. As I watched my buddy gain confidence, I learned that with compassion one person can help another discover their potential. Best Buddies has allowed me to find my own potential. In doing so, Best Buddies has ignited my lifelong passion for connecting and serving people. I vowed to expand that impact into each friendship that we fostered. Soon, our activities and friendships were at our greatest. So we decided to stretch our outreach to our entire student body. In 2012 through our anti-bullying campaign, over 1,500 students pledged to respect their peers with disabilities. In 2013 we plan to broaden our impact into our community. If we can transform a person, a school and a community, who's to say it has to end there?
Newer Version. I still don't feel that it pops. What am I doing wrong? How can I make it standout? Does it flow?
Pls see below;
Igniting a smile is remarkable. Recognizing the impact that you are developing on someone's life is beyond words.
I believe your beginning is too fragmented try "Igniting a smile and recognizing the impact that you are developing on someone's life is...."
But, this passion could be quench by a single friendship.
Doesn't make sense and seems unnecessary.
Otherwise a good essay. You focus on how it impacted you and bragged a little on your position. It also shows your plans for the future.
(will happily help back)
Pls see below;
Better? Is it too braggy? Does it flow? How can I make it standout more?
(will happily help back)
Pls see below;
The connection that I formed drove my buddy to conquer his autism. I saw him bloom under our camaraderie.
"The connection that WE formed allowed him to conquer his autism and bloom"
To see my actions produce such a meaningful results was empowering. That friendshipand thereby sparked my lifelong passion for connecting and serving people
Under my leadership we were able
seems like the only "braggy part" any way you can include other members?
Otherwise it is clear that you want to help other kids.
Read my Cultural Background essay please :D
Newererer Version.
Igniting a smile is remarkable. But, recognizing the impact that you are developing in someone's life is beyond words. Best Buddies granted me an opportunity to improve the life of a peer with disabilities through a friendship. The connection that we formed drove my buddy to conquer his autism and bloom as a leader. To see my actions produce such a meaningful results was empowering and thus sparked my lifelong passion for connecting and serving. That year, I vowed to broaden Best Buddies' impact to new heights. Under the leadership of me and my buddy, our club was able to transform the lives of over 25 kids with disabilities in 2011. With our club at its greatest, I decided to stretch our outreach to our entire student body. In 2012 through an anti-bullying campaign entitled Spread the Word to End the Word, over 1,500 students took our pledged of respect. In 2013 I plan to broaden our impact into our community. If we can impact a person, a school and a community, who's to say it has to end there?
Under leadership me and my buddy, we were
"With my guidance, my buddy and I were"
:) other than that no problems! GL in your application
Thank you! I like that better. Best of luck to you as well =)
I can see a remarkable improvement from the first draft you did. I also appreciate your great effort to keep improving it. You are a student who goes that extra mile and I think your answer itself shows that quality. It is a very good response to the prompt and you don't need any hesitations to submit it now. I wish you all the best with your application !
GOOD LUCK!
