Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
- This essay of mine is relatively fragmented and unfinished (I wasn't planning on using this one, but popular consensus has been that it's better than the other one I wrote for the same prompt). I realize that I still need to talk more about how the experience makes me proud/relates to me. Any feedback would be very appreciated!
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I couldn't understand the first thing that the old woman softly muttered. She shuffled around the kitchen, absentmindedly picking up pots and pans with her fragile hands. How am I going to get through the next few weeks? I thought anxiously to myself. For about a month in the summer, I would have to take care of and supervise sickly Li Hua during the weekdays. The task was seemingly easy enough - save for the fact that she is my friend's Chinese grandmother and knows no English save for "thank you" and "bye". Yet, little did I know that in just four weeks a petite, hunched old lady would change my life.
At first, I wasn't sure how to communicate effectively because of the daunting language barrier. Soon enough, I devised small hand gestures that allowed us to understand each other's basic actions. A hand to the mouth was "eat", and one to the ear indicated that I should turn on the radio. This system worked for a while, and I was rewarded with a sweet, wavering smile when I prepared Li's lunch well or turned the radio up. Subconsciously, I waited for these fleeting moments of her happiness because they, in turn, lit up my days.
After a second week, I decided to forgo my apprehension and learn some words in Mandarin. With my first few tries, Li laughed at my pronunciation with understanding and gratitude. I felt proud of my efforts, but even better was her reaction - knowing that I could make her feel comfortable with my presence was invaluable. Sometimes, I carefully observed her cautious, graceful movements. I noticed that she preferred to sit on the right side of the couch, liked grape jelly with her bread in the morning, and loved looking at pictures in children's books. Thus, a person who seemed so foreign to me at first became very relatable. The hours of each day began to fly by as we bridged our cultural gap through small, yet appreciative gestures. When Li entrusted me with the smallest of tasks, like opening the backyard door to let in some air, I felt a fierce sense of self-worth. I had finally been given true responsibility, and someone was relying on me to do my best.
Once we both overcame our doubts, I was invited to sit with Li Hua while we watched sappy Chinese dramas or looked at colorful drawings together. Often wordlessly, we shared interests and rewarding moments that were never obstructed by our outward and ethnic differences. I grew patience for Li Hua's deliberate movements and halting requests, and consequently, for everyone around me. Without realizing it, I had become more calm and tolerant in my attitude towards others - all because of one old lady who reached out to me with her heart and her trust.
In just four short summer weeks, I had learned more than I had ever expected to about my own character. I found that cultural divides are definitely not unyielding - and was proud when I was able to show that yes, I could truly understand a heart without understanding the words. With my newfound maturity, I will continue on in college and life as someone receptive to others' needs and unafraid to connect with all types of people. Although Li Hua passed away just recently, I will take every instance of joy, care, and wisdom we exchanged to better the lives of everyone that I encounter.
i think that last paragraph can be your conclusion,. i think it's very good.
I actually wanted to read it, your first paragraph drew me in.
I don't see anything beside a few sentence that could be changed (if you wanted to)
it's really nice!
Good luck!
-- don't use contractions in formal essay writing so; write, I could not understand.
Rewrite the sequences of the sentences, instead of explaining an action, and then the character write.
So for example: While she softly muttered foreign words,she shuffled around the kitchen absentmindedly picking up pots and pans with her fragile hands.
Secondly, if you're going to explain your thoughts, use quotes. SO: " How am I going to get through the next few weeks?", I thought anxiously.
-- Since it's the past, reflect on it as a memory. For about a month (last summer, or whenever(, I took care and supervised Lia Hua, ___________explain who Lia Hua is, although by reading your essay I understood, however, describe her, what makes her unique to you.
The task was seemingly easy enough - save for the fact that she is my friend's Chinese grandmother and knows no English save for "thank you" and "bye". --- Except for the fact.
Thank you both very much [:
@Naveena: do you have any suggestions about to conclude this essay? I know it's already pretty long, and I'm not sure where to cut segments off so I can include more about me D:
I really like where this essay is going, and it's written well. You can cut out the "yet" in the last sentence of the first paragraph.
If you need to make edits so that you can talk more about yourself, maybe you could shorten the part where you describe exactly which hand signals stood for what? Something like "a hand to the mouth for 'hungry,' cupping her ear for 'music', and and a finger to the eye for 'sleepy'."
I think you should reflect how your relationship with Li will influence your relationships in the future.
For example, it's taught you to accept all people, enabled you to communicate more effectively with people, and how you realized that expression is also an effective communicator.
That kind of thing.
Great job! its written very well.
Your last papragraph should definatly be you conclution i would just expland it a little
Its a great essay it flows very well!
Oops, forgot to mention that I agree with others who have said that your last paragraph should be your conclusion. When you rewrite and have your essay focusing on yourself more extensively, make sure you put something about your newfound patience and tolerance in middle, instead of trying to add it onto the end, and then change the conclusion to past tense: "Without realizing it, I had become more calm and tolerant in my attitude towards others - all because of one old lady who reached out to me with her heart and her trust."
@Ashli: aw, thanks! yeah, I figured the more straight description stuff should give way to more direct reflection on myself. I'll definitely try to include my changed attitudes towards the front/middle, since adcom officials might lose patience by the end ;]
@ Naveena: oh, I like! D: thankssss
@ Erin: thank you [:
no problem! could you edit my essay? i'd really appreciate it, thanks
Looks nice :)
however, I would try to elabourate a little more towards the end (and in your conclusion - i understand it's not written yet) about how she affected you, and how you will use these qualities in your aspirations/future. How will you apply them, basically, and how is this really meaningful to you. Sort of try and imply how you could use them in a career. the UC people want to know how you will use the qualities. now, you don't need to explicitly say "i will use these qualities in my career in counselling/teaching/whatever", but, try and at least imply a direction, e.g., "in the care of others," "in showing children these qualities" whatever.
its almost there!
Thanks for the awesome suggestions, Shanti + everyone [[:
I wrote a revised draft of this essay (one that's actually finished too), and would love to hear any feedback! I think it's better now, and reflects more about my personality (both directly and implied through words/actions).
" How am I going to get through this?," I thought to myself anxiously to myself. For about a month in the summer, I would have to take care of and supervise sickly Li Hua during the weekdays.
At first, I wasn't sure how to communicate effectively with her because of the daunting language barrier.
Thus, a person who seemed so foreign to me at first slowly became very relatable.
I grew patience for with Li Hua's deliberate movements and halting requests, and consequently, for everyone around me. Without realizing it, I had become more calm and tolerant in my attitude towards others - all because of oneold lady who reached out to me with her heart and her trust.
In just four short summer a few weeks, I had learned more than I had ever expected to about my own character. I found that cultural divides differences are definitely not unyielding - and was proud when I was able to show that yes, I could truly understand a heart without understanding the words. With my newfound maturity, I will continue on in college and life as someone who is receptive to others' needs and who is unafraid to connect with all types of people. Although Li Hua passed away just recently, I will take every instance of joy, care, and wisdom we exchanged to better the lives of everyone that I encounter.
it's very good. i like the improvements you've made!
ahh Mariana, thanks so much for reading through all of it and editing :D!
I'm so glad you like it, I'm more confident in this essay than my other one for sure, loll.
thanks againn!
WOW this is a great essay! but i think u need to expand more on those thoughts in the last paragraph of ur essay...to talk more about urself! i love the beginning too!
aww thank you so much!
LOL I wish I could expand more but my UC application has been sent T_T
it's alright though, I think I did a decent job, yes? ;]
yes you did!!
if you can, can you look at my essay? i want to send it today too
thanks! im not sure if my essays are addressing the whole prompt or if im talking enough about myself =(
well, please update us all and tell us how your application goes.
I think your essay is definitely great, and if they don't like it, they're fouls.
I wish you all the luck!
P.S. I'd also really appreciate if you read my essay for brooklyn college.
I'd really appreciate it!
