Hi everyone, doing Princeton supplement right now, and I chose Option 1 for my essay- Tell us about a person who has influenced you in a significant way.
This is my essay, criticism/feedback would be welcome.
It all started, as some of the best relationships do, with my soon-to-be best friend and I brawling in a locker room. It was 7th grade at PE, and I'd inadvertently made some frivolous move that Mike took as a perceived insult- he visibly flinched and walked away from his game to brood in the locker room. Ten minutes passed, and I walked in, to be greeted with a full-blown fist-fight. Although 7th grade boys are fairly bloodthirsty, our classmates did do a fair job of breaking up the fight before it could escalate; good thing too, as that might have irreparably shattered our relationship. I was furious at first, but I have the gift of foresight, and my vision of the future was grim: awkward silences around our mutual friends, death glares in hallways, rumor-mongering and passive-aggressive competitions for years to come. I saw that and I acted preemptively; I crossed over to the other side of the locker room, feeling like I was in hostile territory, and set myself free with the simple words, "I'm sorry."
That day is one of the defining moments of my life. Ever since then, we have been inseparable; our relationship has crossed over virtually into brotherhood in the five years we've known each other, and like an older brother he's had quite an impact on me. When he was younger, Mike was relentlessly teased for being overweight by his own older brother, which molded in him a solid core of determination that led to him burning off all the fat between 7th and 8th grade. His campaign inspired me to take similar measures on my own home front, cutting out most of the fast food and actively exercising for the first time in years.
He also affected me in other ways. I was remarkably anti-social prior to 7th grade; although I had friends in school, I rarely saw them outside. He helped to pull me out of that shell, inviting me to the movies frequently and doing everything possible to get me out of the house. And he had an impact on a much deeper level, as well. You see, my friend was an avid churchgoer. Although I'd had prior experiences with Catholicism, religion and spirituality had never had much of an effect on me; I was a scathingly critical, mean child when I met Mike. However, after he convinced me to begin attending church regularly with him, I experienced significant changes in my life. I acquired a sincere belief in a higher power, as well as more mundane values such as compassion, integrity, and fidelity, all of which are now deeply instilled parts of both my social and academic life today. It's a truly endless source of amusement to me, the thought that that one fistfight was the difference between me growing up to be Scrooge or becoming a spiritual person people genuinely enjoy having around; but there is nothing in the world I would trade for my best friend Mike.
i love the first paragraph but i think you may be spending too much time describing the scene and not enough expanding on the prompt.
although the second paragraph does answer it, i think you could explain things in more detail. the paragraph seemed to flow well until "furthermore", it would sound a bit more professional if you didn't use those transitioning words, including "finally".
work on the transitions without using those words and maybe make the sentences describing how he changed you into different paragraphs with more detail.
also the last sentence is a little generic. end with a bang! :)
i hope this was helpful, sorry if i was harsh.
good luck!! :)
much better :) just one thing,although it is funny, u should compare yourself to someone else rather than scrooge.
good job, its a great essay. n happy new year!
