Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 5

Best friend Monica - Someone important to me.


hern255 13 / 48  
Jan 10, 2010   #1
This needs to be edited. Content, grammar, spelling... it will be very appreciated.
Thank you in advance.

Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you

Through the travels of our existence, we meet many kinds of people; some go away, others stay for a while, and some others stay forever. In my life, in the last group there is my best friend Monica. To her are these lines.

Everything started by working in the same homework group; it was then that we clicked. We felt that incredible connection and we continued working together. Afterwards, we not only stayed together in classes when it was time to work in groups, but also during breaks. We realized that we had more in common than just the ideas on how to do homework. Time elapsed, and we became inseparable.

I remember the saying: "tell who you hang out with, and I will tell you who you are". This works perfectly with Monica and me, because her personality has imprinted a seal in me and when looking at her I have a real mirror of who I am.

Together, we learned what sharing is about. Everything I have, she can take: from a new colored pencil to the food I had for lunch.

She is the greatest model of honesty I have. I remember a time when we had a long struggle trying to convince some classmates that cheating in exams was not a good idea at all. We both shared the same opinion and tried to transmit it to our friends in school. Furthermore, she always tells me when I am doing something wrong, going straight to the point. Sometimes it was hard, because we are blind to our own errors, but because of her, I have learned to be tolerant.

She has also taught me how to be conscious. Her mom has raised her and her two brothers by herself. While they would demand her mother to buy a new pair of Nike shoes every year, Monica would refrain herself of asking her mom to buy a blouse for her in years. She confessed to me that she needed one, but she didn't want to make her mom feel bad for not having enough money to buy it.

Monica is my strongest support. She always has the right words to cheer me up. We understand each other so well that many times a silent glances exchange is enough to understand what the other is thinking. She has also taught me to be confident in myself. She believes in me more than anyone else; even when I failed to do so, she was there to make reborn my hope. I can hear her voice telling me: "You will do big things, I am sure of that. And I will be the happiest for your success".

Unlike family, which we do not chose; which ties are unbreakable and exist forever even if wanted or not, with friends it is different. They stays only if they want to, they are not bound to give love; they are not bound to bear your bad moments. With Monica I have learned that friendship is real, that true friendship exists and it is much better than I could have imagined it would be.
meliza8809 6 / 23  
Jan 11, 2010   #2
Through the travels of our existence

In life we have many travels. So I think it's better to pluralize that.

it was then that wewhen we made click.clicked.
You got to put a subject on the second independent clause. I don't know if it was a typo or not, but be careful next time 'cause it didn't make sense.

The time elapses, and we became inseparable.

Unnecessary article...

We learned together what sharing is about.

Everything I have, she can take:it from a new colored pencil to the food I had for lunch. And so can I do with her things.It was the same for me as well. or It was reciprocal.

She confessedto me that she needed one

Sometimes it was hard, because we are blind to our own errors, but because of her, I have learned to be tolerant.
Don't ever start a sentence with "but".

I don't need to talk forto her to understand what I am thinking.

You can rephrase this I think.It sounds cliche.

She has been always there to trust in me when nobody else did.
Rephrase this.ex: She has always trusted in me when others fail to do so.

She has also taught me to be confident ofin myself.

with friends, it is different,

because we do choose our friends, and they stay only if they want to.
too much repetition

however Monica has shown me that she does it because she loves me.

Rephrase this with something like: "However, Monica is the contrary."

Overall, you answered the prompt well and you really showed how she's important to you. However, it sounds quite dry. The structure and organization is like Jane Schaffer. You state what Monica is and then a reason. You don't want to sound monotonous. I suggest better transitions. Make it sound effortless, like it flows. I also suggest, that you tell us how Monica has changed you. It may be asking you to describe a significant person, but underneath it also asks how that person made who you are today. A little self-critic would make it sound humble.

Good Luck! :)
poisonivy 14 / 102  
Jan 13, 2010   #3
In my life, in the last group there is my best friend Monica.

I don't like this sentence much...it's too...simple.

We felt that incredible connection

hmm...make this a bit milder

This works perfectly with Monica and I

Together, we learned what sharing is aboutmeans .

I think "is about" is too colloquial.

I remember a time when we had a long struggle trying to convince some classmates that cheating in exams was not a good idea at all. We both shared the same opinion and tried to transmit it to our friends in school.

Don't say just this. Say also what happened, how did your friends react? So elaborate more on this.

Furthermore, she always tells me when I am doing something that she believes is wrong

Just my idea, because it seems a bit harsh the way you have it.

At times it has been hard, because we are often blind to our own errors, but because of her, I have learned to be tolerant.

You start this sentence with "she corrects my mistakes" and end it with "now I'm more tolerant". To say the truth, the connection between these two is rather vague.

While they would demand their mother to buy thema new pairs of Nike shoes every year, Monica would refrain herself of(I believe it is from, though I'm not sure) asking her mom to buy her
a blouse for her in years.

She believes in me more than anyone else; even when I failed to do so, she was there to make reborn my hope.

- "to do so" is a bit vague, maybe put another verb there, for example "to be confident"

"You will do big things;
I am sure of that.

Unlike family, which we do not chose and whose ties are unbreakable and exist forever whether we wantedit
or not,

They stays only if they want to and they are not bound to give love

With Monica I have learned that friendship is real, that true friendship exists

I removed that part because it was the same as the other one. Also, your ending sentence should also say something of the type "she has helped me become the person I am today".

Well, I did my best and I hope I helped you. Good luck!
Could you have a look at my short answers? (won't take you much time, promise) :)
OP hern255 13 / 48  
Jan 14, 2010   #4
Poisonivy:

I don't like this sentence much...it's too...simple.

I can't think in a more sophisticated way to say it. Do you have any sugestion? :S

Don't say just this. Say also what happened, how did your friends react? So elaborate more on this.

Don't you think I will lose focus? :S

You start this sentence with "she corrects my mistakes" and end it with "now I'm more tolerant". To say the truth, the connection between these two is rather vague.

What do you think of this?:
At times it has been hard, because we are often blind to our own errors, but because of her, I have learned to be tolerant to different opinions; to recognize my mistake and use them as a motivation to try to be better.

Could you have a look at my short answers? (won't take you much time, promise) :)

I already did it but I don't know why it appears in other thread, something for Brown! :S
Anyway, I really like your answers :)... btw it is lay on.

I will look for a better final sentence...
I really appreciate your feedback! :) Thank you

----
Anybody else:

While they would demand their mother to buy them new pairs of Nike shoes every year, Monica would refrain herself of (is it of or from) asking her mom to buy her a blouse in years.

Any comment is welcome! :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 17, 2010   #5
Jhopselyn, I notice you have participated a lot and spent a lot of time helping other people. Thank you!! I really appreciate it when people participate the way you do.

here is an idea:
In my life, the last category includes my best friend, Monica. To her, I write the se lines.

capitalize the t:
I remember the saying: "Tell who you..."

She has also taught me how to be conscientious . Her mom has raised her and her two brothers by herself. While they would demand that their mother should buy them new pairs of Nike shoes every year, Monica would refrain herself of from asking her mom to buy a blouse for her in for several years.------- this paragraph is so nice!!she sounds like a great person. I hope she sees this essay! :-)


Home / Undergraduate / Best friend Monica - Someone important to me.