What has inspired you to pursue an engineering degree and why would you like to study at the University of Toronto?
What skills have you developed through your extra-curricular experiences that will support your future success as both a student and an engineer?
As a child, I've always wondered about how everything worked in this world and not merely how to use that particular mechanism. Whenever a problem surfaced, whether it was the heater not working, or the stove not working, I was always curious on both why the problem occurred and the solution to the problem. The technology and engineering behind every gadget or contraption greatly interested me. Due to that, a lifetime goal and dream had been provoked: to create and give rise to something using my own skills that will enlighten the world and that I will be remembered for. That was when my passion for engineering sparked. In order for this to succeed, I figured that the best and only approach was to pursue in an engineering degree. With that, my mind will be enlightened with profound knowledge in the field of engineering and, at the same time, help to develop my vision for my future creations.
During my high school life, I was more exposed to the background of engineering after taking physics and chemistry. They came as second nature to me, interested me a great deal and helped me develop skills to think to think analytically and innovate solutions to problems with theories that I've learned. Wherever I went and whatever I did, I was able to apply my knowledge of physics and/or chemistry towards that particular matter. Due to that, I immediately grasped on the path of engineering. In fact, the two courses, along with math, were my favourite courses that I've taken throughout my entire high school life. Beginning in Grade 11, I was the teacher's assistant for both the math and the science department and I shared my knowledge with other students who were in need of help. After school, I tutored students in mathematics and sciences and made sure that they understood the concept behind every problem and not simply memorize the method to solve each problem. This was a great experience for me, as it developed my communication, teamwork, and patience skills. As seen in my hundreds of hours of community service, I highly enjoyed helping others and the community, as that brought upon fulfilment for both others and I. As a university student, I will be able to help others who are in need of help and simultaneously strengthen my own knowledge. As a future engineering, I will be able to express my ideas in a simple, yet informational way and lead an entire team to success. During my employment at CNE at their Go Karts station, I was acknowledged with the engineering behind the karts and how everything worked. Throughout my entire employment period, I applied all the knowledge that I've learned in school and at work into fixing the karts and I learned to become a hard-worker and developed skills of teamwork and perseverance. This portrayed my passion for problem solving and inspired me to become an engineer.
In order to achieve my childhood goal, I need to be offered the best knowledge and experience. University of Toronto is the most profound place for the two qualities, as there is a large diversity in the student body, many outstanding clubs to join, and a group of exceptional professors. Hence, University of Toronto will provide the greatest environment for me to pursue my passion in engineering.
I feel that my conclusion is really weak. Can anybody please provide some help to strengthen it? Also, are there unnecessary and/or repetitive information within the essay? Thanks a lot guys!
Your essay is good and I don't think that you need any conclusion, because this is just for an Application form and not for an academic writing where your opinion or conclusion is required. As I can see there are three parts of the question and all your three paragraphs were successfully covering the demands of the question.
As I'm not a good in English so I cannot comment on your errors. But I'd say, very well written using wide range of vocabulary and should not contain any mistakes.
Good luck with your application!!
thanks paul! :)
but i still feel that the conclusion makes the rest of the essay not as strong. So I hope that someone can try to fix it up, as that would be extremely appreciated!
Since you're having trouble with the conclusion I'll focus on that.
I need to be offered the best knowledge and experience
Need is a very blunt and direct word.
Possibly re-word to: In order to achieve my childhood goal, I believe that the best knowledge and opportunity for new experiences can enable me to fully peruse my engineering aspirations.
In order for the entire conclusion to stand out, as well the conclusion you have to talk about something unique in the University of Toronto. By simply saying that it has a big diversity is good but not great because many universities have large diversities as well as exceptional professors. Try to add an engineering aspect of the University of Toronto which is not exclusively unique to the university of Toronto but unique in a small number of universities including Toronto.
try to be specific in clubs at the university of Toronto.
I say that you conclusion is incomplete and has the opportunity to become great.
Good Luck!
thanks alot :)
hmm... can anybody try to shorten it to 3000 characters for me? (including spaces)
right now, its 3317 characters, but i have no idea what information in there are useless.
As a child, I've always wondered about how everything worked in this world and not merely how to use that particular mechanism. Whenever a problem surfaced, whether it was the heater not working, or the stove not working, I was always curious on both why the problem occurred and the solution to the problem. The technology and engineering behind every gadget or contraption greatly interested me. Due to that, a lifetime goal and dream had been provoked: to create and give rise to something using my own skills that will enlighten the world and that I will be remembered for. That was when my passion for engineering sparked. In order for this to succeed, I figured that the best and only approach was to pursue in an engineering degree. With that, my mind will be enlightened with profound knowledge in the field of engineering and, at the same time, help to develop my vision for my future creations.
During my high school life, I was more exposed to the background of engineering after taking physics and chemistry. They came as second nature to me, interested me a great deal and helped me develop skills to think analytically and innovate solutions to problems with theories that I've learned. Wherever I went and whatever I did, I was able to apply my knowledge of physics and/or chemistry towards that particular matter. Due to that, I immediately grasped on the path of engineering. In fact, the two courses, along with math, were my favourite courses throughout high school. Beginning in Grade 11, I was the teacher's assistant for both the math and the science department. I shared my knowledge with other students by tutoring them in mathematics and sciences and made sure that they understood the concept behind every problem and not simply the solution. This was a great experience for me, as it developed my communication, teamwork, and patience skills. As seen in my hundreds of hours of community services, I highly enjoyed helping others and the community, as that brought upon fulfilment for both others and I. As a university student, I will be able to help others and simultaneously strengthen my own knowledge. As a future engineering, I will be able to express my ideas in a simple, yet informational way and lead an entire team to success. During my employment at CNE at their Go Karts station, I was acknowledged with the engineering behind the karts. Throughout my entire employment period, I applied all the knowledge that I've learned in school and at work into fixing the karts and I learned to become a hard-worker and developed skills of teamwork and perseverance. This portrayed my passion for problem solving and inspired me to become an engineer.
In order to achieve my childhood goal, I believe that the best knowledge and opportunity for new experiences can enable me to fully peruse my engineering aspirations. University of Toronto is the most profound place for the two qualities, as there is a large diversity in the student body, many outstanding clubs to join, and a group of exceptional professors. EngSoc especially attracted me to the university and I hope to become a part of their team to assist other students and to organize events. Hence, University of Toronto will provide the greatest environment for me to pursue my passion in engineering.
As a child, I've always wondered about how everything worked in this world and not merely how to use that particular mechanism . Whenever a problem surfaced, whether it was the heater not working, or the stove not working , I was always curious on bothabout why the problem occurred and the solution to the problem. The technology and engineering behind every gadget or contraption greatly interested me. Due to that, a lifetime goal and dream had been provoked: to create and give rise to something using my own skills that will enlighten the world and that I will be remembered for. That was when my passion for engineering sparked. In order for this to succeed, I figured that the best and only approach was to pursue in an engineering degree. With thatit , my mind will be enlightened with profound knowledge in the field of engineering and, at the same time, help to develop my vision for my future creations.
During my high school lifehigh school , I was more exposed to the background of engineering after taking physics and chemistry, my two favourite courses in high school. They came as second nature to me, but interested me a great deal and helped me develop skills to think analytically and innovate solutions to problems with theories that I'veI'd learned. Wherever I went and whatever I did, I was able to apply my knowledge of physics and/or chemistry towards that particular matter. Due toBecause of that, I immediately grasped ononto the path of engineering. In fact, the two courses, along with math, were my favourite courses throughout high school. Beginning in Grade 11, I was the teacher's assistant for both the math and the science department. I shared my knowledge with other students by tutoring them in mathematics and sciences and made sure that they understood the concept behind every problem and not simply the solution. This was a great experience for me, as it developed my communication, teamwork, and patience skills. As seen in my hundreds of hours of community services , I highly enjoyed helping others and the community, as that brought upon fulfill ment for both others and Ime . As a university student, I will be able to help others and simultaneously strengthen my own knowledge, Asand as a future engineering student , I will be able to express my ideas in a simple, yet informational way and lead an entire team to success. During my employment at CNE at their Go Karts station, I was acknowledged with the engineering behind the karts. Throughout my entire employment period, I applied all the knowledge that I've learned in school and at work into fixing the karts and I learned to become a hard-worker and developed skills of teamwork and perseverance. This portrayed my passion for problem solving and inspired me to become an engineer.
In order to achieve my childhood goal, I believe that the best knowledge and opportunity for new experiences can enable me to fully peruse my engineering aspirations. The University of Toronto is the most profound place for the two qualities. as thereThere is a large diversity in the student body, many outstanding clubs to join, such as EngSoc, and a group of exceptional professors. EngSoc especially attracted me to the university and I hope to become a part of their team to assist other students and to organize events.Hence,The University of Toronto will provide the greatest environment for me to pursue my passion in engineering.
The above corrections leave you at almost 2900 characters. If you feel you want to add anything else to get you closer to 3000, do so.
Best of luck.
thanks a bunch!
