First off, thank you for even taking the time to read this post and for any potential feedback you give.
Naturally, I'm posting here to get a quick critique on college transfer entrance essay (Computer Science/Computer Engineering). I just finished up writing the essay over the course of an hour or two, and need some help polishing it. I like the first paragraph (notably the first couple sentences), but realize some extra "fluff" exists that could be better utilized.
To give an idea of what my basis was here are some basic goals/interests: software & computer engineering/math/physics. I love satellite communications and spacecraft fundamentals. Basically, learning anything technical or that challenges me. I feel that some of that comes across in the essay but need some other opinions
In an essay of 300 words or less, please discuss your academic interests and/or professional
goals.
Gazing into a two by three matrix of computer monitors, watching jagged lines stream across software windows, I'm enthralled knowing that 22,236 miles away from the surface of the Earth a military communications satellite is "speaking" to me via modulated radio frequency. As a satellite network controller in the United States Army, this has been my life for the past five years. Each day I'm given the responsibility to maintain several half-billion dollar satellites and its worldwide network of users -- without so much as even an associate's degree. My qualifications reside in my natural intelligence, unending appetite for knowledge, and acute ability to digest complex and sophisticated theories; for which my peers have jokingly nicknamed me "Android."
While intimidating to most people, I am driven by intrigue when presented with challenges like sophisticated hardware and software. Since an early age my personal and academic interests have always centered on science and technology. I spent my elementary school recesses inside my second grade classroom on an old Apple computer typing at a command prompt. The highlight of every recess was getting that Apple to display random patterns of colors as if it was a primitive version of the infamous "Blue Screen of Death."
As technology and I have matured my desire to push keys at a command prompt has transformed into the need to engineer beautiful software. Whether it is embedded code meant to withstand the rigors of space or used in digital signal processors means no difference to me. Simply put, I want to write software with a fiery passion. Attending the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign affords me the opportunity to explore my interests in software alongside some of the greatest minds in our country.
I'm looking for grammar/content/spelling/punctuation (<--especially)/etc feedback so be as brutal as necessary.
Thanks in advance
J
Hey, you write very well and without errors. The way to convey your idea is to use the same method artists everywhere use: you have to have a strategy. One good strategy is to use a theme. A Theme can serve as a reference point that enables the reader to see thing as you see them, sort of.
For example, what if the first sentence said something about you being called an android, and then the last sentence of the first paragraph says something about the significance of the concepts of an android with regard to what it means to you as you prepare to take your education. At the end of the essay, you can refer to this theme again to complete it. The idea is to introduce and reinforce a theme that stays in the reader's mind. You can use this theme -- that you started to identify with the idea of being like a android -- and use it to show your seriousness and appreciation for technology.
So, in addition to trying to articulate your enthusiasm for technical things, articulate a theme that will plant the main idea of the essay in the reader's mind.
:-)
