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"never to bet against my parents" - GRAMMAR EDITING


songbird91 /  
Nov 15, 2009   #1
Yes- i did leave this to the last minute. All I want is grammar editing, not content as much. THANK YOU

"Tell about an experience in which you left your comfort zone, how did it change you?"

I should have known never to bet against my parents, but I did. A conversation about trying out for a music scholarship to our local private school progressed to a dare and ended with the high stakes bet of weeklong garbage duty and my high school future. Sitting in the waiting room among a hundred other girls, I was confident that someone else would receive the scholarship and the bet would be forgotten. Yet, on my first day of high school I flinched as the car rolled past the Villa Maria Academy sign into a throng of awaiting nuns, eager to greet my enthusiastic mom. A public school girl all my life, switching to a small, private, all-girls high school, was essentially throwing me into Wonderland. Slipping past the nuns as inconspicuously as I could, I walked to my homeroom, empty except for a desk and a glass of water. Girls began to quietly shuffle in after me, no one daring to break the tense silence. Glancing at the girl beside me, she wore same wrinkled blue skirt, itchy tights and clearly shared my feeling of unadulterated dread. Mrs. Napoli, our homeroom teacher, was a blustery woman with a booming voice and a vice-like handshake that left a distinct ache in my hand. She did not begin the year with the generic name games of teachers past or the "three truths and a lie" icebreaker. Instead, she handed us a blank sheet of paper and instructed us to sketch and describe the glass of water without using the words glass or water. Beginning with the usual adjectives, clear, liquid, wet, etc., I sketched a passable glass, shaded in the water and waited. After about 5 minutes, Mrs. Napoli collected our papers and began to read the adjectives out loud. When she was done, Mrs. Napoli looked over her glasses at us, studying our confused faces and said, "Ladies, decide what kind of person you are. Do you see this glass as half-empty or half-full, because that attitude is what will make all the difference in your life". At the time my glass was more than half-empty, it was drained and dried. I realized my anxiety and fear prevented me from recognizing the opportunities Villa presented me. I took my first art class, discovering an unknown passion for ceramics that continues to add teacups and pots to my shelf. Joining intra-mural track, though up until that point my idea of running was from the car to class, I learned to love running and the breathless freedom it gives me. In the midst of learning more about myself and cultivating my new interests, I made an incredible group of friends. At the end of my year at Villa, although I cherished my experiences there, I realized a need to experience more diversity. Ultimately I enrolled in my public high school but attending Villa taught me to embrace new experiences and to push through insecurities. I no longer allow my comfort zone to limit me; every experience, positive or negative,is a valuable piece of my life. My glass will always be full.
lahariv 1 / 12  
Nov 15, 2009   #2
A conversation about trying out for a music scholarship to our local private school progressed to a dare and ended with the high stakes bet of weeklong garbage duty and my high school future.This seems sort of random as it doesn't relate to the garbage duty you mentioned before.

Sitting in the waiting room among a hundred other girlshundreds of other girls
ABeing a public school girl all of my life, and switching into a small, private, all-girls high school, was essentially throwing me intothrew me into a Wonderland.

Slipping past the nuns as inconspicuously as I could, I walked to my homeroom, empty except for a desk and a glass of water. Girls began to quietly shuffle in after me, no one daringdared to break the tense silence.

Ultimately I enrolled in my public high school, but attending Villa taught me to embrace new experiences and to push through insecurities. I no longer allow my comfort zone to limit me; every experience, positive or negative,is a valuable piece of my life. My glass will always be full.

I really like the conclusion, and your keen attention to detail. Good Luck!

P.S. I would really appreciate it if you could look at my 7 year Med. Essay. Thank you! :-)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 17, 2009   #3
Why is it one long paragraph? That is the most important thing. One idea, one paragraph... that is the rule.

A conversation about trying out for a music scholarship to our local private school evolved into a dare and ultimately became a high stakes bet: The loser would suffer we ek-long garbage duty and my high school future . (You need a little more explanation right here, and then do a paragraph break before saying you were accepted.)

Slow down, use paragraphs to keep ideas separate and clear.

This is great writing!! But you should start using paragraphs for the reasons God intended! :)

Hey, this sentence was already correct and very well written: Girls began to quietly shuffle in after me, no one daring to break the tense silence. ----> I like it!!


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