First draft of my Common Application essay. Any comments, suggestions, and feedback are welcome.
For those unfamiliar with certain names and terms, note that I am from the Philippines. Everything in this essay is based in my country.
Prompt:
Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
Only Better
After my father first took me mountain biking, I swore that I would never put myself through another such ordeal. It was an uphill battle in every sense. My thighs burned as I strained against gravity; my lungs struggled to extract whatever oxygen they could to keep me from passing out. But I would not go gentle into that good night.
Pedaling on a precipitous ridge overlooking the sea, we arrived at my father's hometown of Bagac, Bataan.
The village made no effort to introduce itself. Trees and unfettered thickets of vegetation gave way to fenced clearings around thatch-roofed huts. Stick-legged carabaos and panting dogs sat in the sun while townsfolk gawked at the Spandex-clad men on their two-wheeled contraptions.
The place was rustic and entirely alien, yet strangely familiar and comforting all at once. I didn't want to leave. But forty years ago, as my grandfather shuttled his family away from here in a silver jeep that would subsequently become his sole source of income in Manila, some inexplicable twist dictated that they would not return. For my father, this meant a scholarship at the Ateneo, the same institution whose halls I tread today. A formal education enabled my father to tap into his potential and ascend the rungs of the corporate ladder.
In a country with virtually no social mobility, my father's success always struck me as uncanny. An empty chair at the dinner table was evidence of what it took to stay at the top. But there were never any hard feelings. Growing up, I lay in bed every night, waiting for dad's invariable kiss on the forehead and the routine "How's my little boy?" Family would always come first.
Perhaps the biggest testament to my father's transformation was the fact that I never knew about his life in Bataan until I was in high school. The shiny bikes, mannerisms, and predilection for fine wine and art never hinted at the hardship he had left behind.
Bringing me to Bagac was my father's wordless way of acquainting me with his reality, and perhaps was also a gesture that would in time help me realize my own. That first cycling trip helped forge my character under the heat of the provincial sun. Dad was always several strides ahead, but he never looked back at me, nor did he slow down when my reserves ran low. Instead I had to pedal harder and faster to keep up.
It was on those mountain roads where I learned the value of awareness, composure, and preparation. "Don't look at the ground," dad told me. "Always keep your head up. Look ten feet in front of you so you know where you're going." . . . And the importance of momentum: "Don't stop pedaling." And inevitably, the power of will and perseverance. "Tired already?"
These were principles that I put to work in school as I explored my ability to come up with ideas and see them through to fruition, whether alone or in a team. These ideals pushed me through the rigors of the honors program and special science curriculum which, when taken together, could become overwhelming at times. Ultimately, however, my father's example framed my ambitions as I decided to vie for an American college education, against some of the world's best and brightest.
In retrospect, there was something euphoric and deeply fulfilling about conquering something a thousand times larger than myself. Cresting an apex was akin to that eureka moment of breaking through a mental barrier after a particularly challenging problem set. This is probably why I was willing to put myself through more grueling cycling trips. I had come to terms with the fact that the only way to improve was to put myself through my paces. Because for my father and me, there is no such thing as "best," only "better."
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Hi Raphael, it is nice to see you here again. I hope you won't take these comments as an affront to you but, the essay doesn't really deliver the kind of background story that would be considered relevant to the prompt requirements. The reason for this is that the essay focuses more on the background of your father and grandfather and not enough on your background. As far as I can tell, your grandfather and father are from Bataan but you are from Manila right? Therefore, more than half the essay does not apply to you.
The story of your father and grandfather, while notable, is not your background. Your background lies in Manila and your life there. Your relationship with your father could however, be re-framed for this discussion. Talk about your background growing up without your father's constant presence instead. Make the bike trip all about a bonding moment between the two of you instead.
Talk about the experience as an enlightening moment that allowed you to get to know your father and vice versa. That way, you can keep the latter part of the essay that explains how you have come to understand that you are not so different from your father. Do not waste time or space describing where your father came from. That is totally irrelevant to your story.
The background story must become more about how your father was able to inspire you, at the most opportune time, to become not just the best that you can be, but be "better" each time. That way, the essay covers two prompt suggestions, a background and an identity. As such, your essay becomes more interesting and offers more information about you to the reviewer.
So my suggestion is that you remove the first half of your essay, keeping the story about the bike ride, but not the references to your grandfather. Revise the introduction of your father and the activity in order to better align with the theme that I am suggesting. That is, if you are amenable to it.
I tried doing it myself in Word and I found that your essay was more focused, informative, and interesting to read. Mostly because the shortened focus highlighted your background instead of having you share the spotlight with your father and grandfather's story. As always, the focus of your essay must be on you. Once a secondary or tertiary character in your narrative takes more than half the space, you are not properly developing the essay.
@Holt, thank you so much for your comments. Your feedback definitely puts things into perspective, and I am willing to alter my essay according to your suggestions. I have a feeling it will end up a lot better. I appreciate all your help so far! Very helpful stuff.
