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"a better insight into life at BU" - any other ideas?


rbu19 1 / 2  
Feb 27, 2010   #1
In five or six sentences, tell us how you first became interested in BU and what steps you have taken to learn more about us.

September 2007 of my senior year was more demanding than usual: tight IB coursework deadlines, intense SATs preparation and attending countless presentations by university admissions directors. It was 30 degrees outside and as I walked in to the auditorium one afternoon, I immediately regretted my decision to attend this event as the air-conditioners were under repair. Little did I know that this particular thirty-minute visual on BU had the power to capture my mind and spirit. I had made my decision. I had to be part of the BU community. After thoroughly exploring the school's website and keeping in contact with the admissions office, I learnt that BU was the right fit for me. Furthermore, over the past year, I have gained a better insight into life at BU through experiences of my high-school classmates.

is this good enough? should i totally change the idea or just edit it?
please help. thanks

2010trans 2 / 3  
Feb 27, 2010   #2
"September 2007 of my senior year was more demanding than usual:"This sentence is not clear enough. I'm guessing what you're trying to say is that "that specific september" was the most demanding compared to previous years.. Try something more like this: September 2007 was one of the most demanding years yet, senior year was full of tense IB coursework deadlines, intense SAT preparation and countless college fairs (I think you should call is this, i think it sounds betters... or something similar)

It was 30 degrees outside and as I walked in to the auditorium one afternoon, I immediately regretted my decision to attend this event as the air-conditioners were under repair.

The rest of the essay of good. It does not make you stand out though. In my opinion, when you mention looking into the website you should mention specific classes or programs that interest you. You can even research professors and mention certain classes that you would like to take because they interest you.

Good luck!
Randyhl 8 / 33  
Feb 27, 2010   #3
I learnt that BU was the right fit for me.
learned I think is the correct grammar there, I could be wrong but learned definitely sounds clearer.

other than that, wow, I definitely liked the imagery and the feeling of amazement BU's presentation offered. Good luck!
comet2000 10 / 48  
Feb 28, 2010   #4
I had to be part of the BU community. After thoroughly exploring the school's website and keeping in contact with the admissions office, I learnt that BU was the right fit for me.

comment: I don't think you will stand out among all the other students who are planning to attend there. It's a good essay. I think you should reedit it as it is not within the 5-6 sentences limit.

"After thoroughly exploring the school's website and keeping in contact with the admissions office, I learn[i]t that BU was the right fit for me.[/i]"

What were you looking at? Programs the school offer? Might want to explain more.
OP rbu19 1 / 2  
Feb 28, 2010   #5
thank you so much all of you! i will post a new version once im done editing :)
@ 2010 trans: you mentioned that it does not make me stand out. any ideas on how i can improve?
2010trans 2 / 3  
Feb 28, 2010   #6
Little did I know that on a sunny/rainy/cold (whatever the case may be, i think it adds to the sentence)one afternoon, this a particular thirty-minute visual on BUBoston University (I think the first time you should write out the name of the college)hadwould have the power to capture my mind and spirit.

I think to make it stand out more you have to mention YOU more. Do you have a declared major? If not, write about majors you have in mind and what SPECIFIC programs of BU will help you in choosing a major and broadening your knowledge. Remember, these are all just suggestions and opinions! Btw, is this a 100 words limit question?

Best of luck!!
OP rbu19 1 / 2  
Feb 28, 2010   #7
yup a 100-120 word limit.
thank you so much for your help!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 1, 2010   #8
This is a good place to use one of those powerful, short phrases after a semi-colon:
It was 30 degrees outside and as I walked in to the auditorium one afternoon, I immediately regretted my decision to attend this event; the air-conditioners were under repair.

...because if you don't do this, you have to use "as" twice in an awkward way.

This needs more substance. I think you should condense all of this into 2 sentences at the beginning of an essay that culminates with a list of specific examples of resources, names of people, and events related to the field of study you want to pursue. Right now this doesn't really say much.

The many responsibilities you talk about at the beginning, the scene with cold air, ... all that should be condenses and expressed in just a sentence or two if the essay needs to be very brief. OR if you are allowed to use more words and make the essay longer, you should!! This is a great introduction, but it lacks substance. You need to have a real, detailed plan and be really excited about the field you are getting into. The time to choose a direction is now! (though you are allowed to change direction at any time)

:-D


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