Prompt #2 (all applicants)
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
I have noticed that good interpersonal relationships are based on trust and communication. It was the same for my employee-boss relationship. Four summers ago, as the storage manager of a book store, my responsibilities involved counting books and data management.
On my first day at work, my co-worker warned me that it was hard to deal with the employee-boss relationship because of my boss's irascible attitude and strictness toward new employees. For example, a previous new employee at my position had missed counting one book on his third week at work. My boss Mrs. Shi thought the new employee could not handle the job responsibility and criticized him severely because of the missed count. But the employee thought that such a mistake could not be avoided and the criticism should not be tolerated. Therefore, he resigned. After hearing my co-worker's description, I thought that there must be a way to have a better relationship with Mrs. Shi.
On my second week at work, Mrs. Shi criticized my slow working efficiency. She told me that I might not have enough ability to handle the job responsibilities. However, I thought this was unreasonable because I finished every day's task on time, but she expected me to finish faster. I decided to keep working. After experiencing her criticism, when Mrs. Shi found me continuing to work on the day after she criticized me, she gave me a big smile and acknowledged the work I had done. I was surprised by her swiftly changing attitude. I wondered why she criticized first and then praised me.
After talking with Mrs. Shi, she told me that she worried about stealing after the company experienced a huge loss in the second year the book store was opened. During that year, the new storage manager was caught stealing a large amount of books because he wanted extra cash. He did not provide correct inventories. After experiencing that event, Mrs. Shi lost trust in new employees. She decided to give new employees an "exam" to prove their faith for the company so that they would not give up when facing unexpected difficulties or challenges. The "exam" was the criticism from Mrs. Shi and her improper attitude was part of the "exam." My persistence and concentration for my job gained the trust of my boss. In addition, the personal chat was a plus for my employee-boss relationship. Later, Mrs. Shi thanked me for my tolerance through her "exam."
This experience taught me that an outgoing personality and sincerity are the keys to deal with interpersonal relationships. For example, I have more friends than before after I recognized that I must talk more and have a tolerant attitude with the people around me. I feel proud that I have a lot of friends now. The working experience changed me from an incommunicative person to communicative. I know that I may have more challenging courses in a University of California campus than in a community college. The classes may require more group working, but I love challenges. What I have learned through this working experience will help me with my interpersonal relationships on the UC campus. That will make things such as group projects and my academic performance more effective.
I have revised my essay many times. Try to make it simple and understandable.
I could give you detailed feedback but it wouldn't really be fair would it?
Can anyone here provide feedback???
This is definitely a very different approach you took for the essay. Being a transfer student and applying to UCs this year as well, this is a likable response. But for some reason I feel like it doesn't stand out as much as I would want it to be. Its different, which should make it stand out..but this essay is lacking some ingredient that is not making the essay strong enough.
Hope that helps!
Thanks. I have not found my English teacher to make a correction or any suggestions for my essay. I will add more detail later.
My boss, Mrs. Shi, t hought the new employee...
You need commas to separate "extra" phrases like that.
You should write a full paragraph before getting into the story. Write a full intro paragraph, and have it's last sentence be a sentence about the main idea of the essay. It should be a sentence about what it means to have good communication. Make it an impressive insight, and then proceed to illustrate it with your story.
...changed me from an introverted person to a communicative person.----> I like it better this way, but you were not mistaken.
Boxin, why is it unfair to give ideas for improving the composition? That is what we are here for! :-) We should not do the work for the person, though... that is why it is best to correct individual sentences instead of pasting the whole essay into your response...
Boxin, why is it unfair to give ideas for improving the composition?
^It was because when this essay was posted zhoudongzhou gave very...unproductive feedback.
Oh... yes, while I know it is difficult to give feedback when someone faces a language barrier or difficulty in writing, I still think it's possible for people to give at least three or four sentences of feedback. Even if someone lacks cnfidence in writing, it is possible to tell about the impression the essay made. Writing a few good sentences of feedback is part of the scholarly practice we use here to improve our skill.