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How to better word this excerpt from my application essay?


lylreaganmac 4 / 8 4  
Jun 26, 2016   #1
This is an excerpt from an application essay that I am currently writing. I would like insight as to what I need to do because it just seems like a huge mess. I want to include all of this information because I want to not only say that I focused my classes but how I focused them as proof if that makes sense. Please help me to better use this information! Thank you very much!

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I began to focus and build my coursework with classes to reflect how serious I am about a career in fashion business by selecting classes such as computer applications and digital communications for building strong computer skills, psychology and sociology so that I better understand the behavior of consumers, AP literature for proving that I can push myself hard and handle such a difficult course, accounting and banking for a better understanding of budgets and money not to mention the information was very insightful for everyday use, and statistics for a lead in to the FIT curriculum although I had already fulfilled all of my math credits in spite of this class. In addition to these, I opened my schedule up for two Virtual Arkansas college classes to further my education. These online classes were fashion merchandising and marketing which were both incredibly insightful and helped to seal my future goal of being in fashion merchandising.

priscaoktav 1 / 2  
Jun 26, 2016   #2
Hello, i want to give you some advise, i think that it is better if you attach your experiences in curriculum vitae when you apply the job vacation. But if the company has requirement to send some essay perhaps you could explain with less grammatical error. You also should make your sentence clear and do not write in long words. Please use punctuation (.) and give your main idea in the first sentence after that you can explain more detail.
justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Jun 27, 2016   #3
HI Reagan, here's my take on your essay.

- reflect how seriousdetermined I am
- in fashion businessindustry by selecting
- communications forin building a strong computer skills,
- so that I bettercan understand
- the behavior of consumers better ,
- AP literature for provingto prove
- that I can pushexceed my capabilities to
- myselfwork hard and
- for ato better understanding
- of budgets and money
- for a lead in to the FIT curriculum,
- in spite of this class . ( this phrase is not necessary)

- up for two Virtual Arkansas
- helped to seal my future goal
- of being in the fashion merchandising.

There you have it Reagan, I hope the above corrections are helpful towards your essay. I must say it was quiet difficult understanding your essay, as it is a very rough draft, it is normal to have this difficulties, however, this can be avoided if you take time practicing the English language specially in writing.
Hiddengrace 6 / 119 68  
Jun 27, 2016   #4
Hi Reagan!

"I began to focus and build (...)"

Whoa, that's one really long sentence! It's kind of off putting and hard to make sense of. I couldn't even use the quote feature of the forum because it was so long. Let's try to rework it. Breaking this one really helps to make your ideas clear and make it easier to read.

I began to focus and build my coursework with classes to reflect how serious I am about a career in fashion business.
I
by selected classes such as computer applications and digital communications forto building strong computer skills,.
I chose psychology and sociology so that Ito better understand the behavior of consumers and AP literature for provingto prove that I can push myself hard and handle such a difficult course,.

I took
accounting and banking forto gain a better understanding of budgets and money ( not to mention the information was very insightful for everyday use) , and statistics for a lead in to the FIT curriculum although I had already fulfilled all of my math credits in spite of this class ."

See how the smaller sentences make your points easier to understand?


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