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How better this world could be in the near future; What matters the most


punkiebell17 7 / 11 4  
Oct 17, 2013   #1
I had such a tough time with this essay. I know that education truly is important to me, but I am afraid that this might be something that is too overused. I mean, education...really? Some kids don't even like going to school. Anyway, any feedback, grammatical corrections...anything at all. If you feel like I should write about something else for this essay, please tell me. I want to be different from all the other applicants.

What matters to you, and why? (250 word limit.)*

There is a long list of subjects, ideas, activities, and people that matter to me. The one thing that means the most though, is education. No matter what anyone says about it, I know that education has the power to change the world we live in today; it has for ages. Through education, I have seen unfortunate people be able to completely change their circumstances and rid themselves of their poverty. I have heard of people that have created wonderful machines and devices that have facilitated the lives of millions. With the power that comes with knowledge, many women have been able to set themselves free from the cult of domesticity.

To think of the all the possibilities that are available to me is what makes me dream big. If taught properly, I could build my own computer, create my own software, design my own future home. I could help feed and clothe the needy, and even help provide more opportunities with good schools to children in third-world countries.

I feel like the only reason we have even progressed as a society is because of what we have been able to achieve when we scavenge for the most mysterious of our thoughts, sort them through, and speak our minds to the world. Of course, there is a whole lot more that we have to work on, because the world isn't perfect. Just the thought of how much better this world could be in the near future is what matters most.

tayleeb - / 19  
Oct 20, 2013   #2
No matter what anyone says about it, I know that education has the power to change the world we live in today; it has for ages.

The "it has for ages" is a bit awkward. Maybe take out the semi-colon and change it to "...to change the world we live in today, as it has for ages. " It might be the word "ages" though. I can't quite decide!

I have seen unfortunate people be able to completely change their circumstances

Change to "I have seen people in unforunate situations be able to completely change their circumstances ," or "I have seen people in unforunate situations completely change their circumstances. "

To think of the all the possibilities that are available to me is what makes me dream big.

"What makes me dream big is being able to think of all the possibilities that are avaliable for me. " The phrasing was a bit strange, and very passive.

Besides those sentences, it's really good. I would edit the big about women, because that's the only time you mention women. Is this essay for an all-female school? Regardless of whether it is or not, you have to specify whether education, or education for women is what matters most to you.

Also, I would probably change the first sentence--it doesn't really hook you in.

Really well-written essay though! As far as the topic, it's true that many people might write about education, but as long as it's apparent that you feel a real passion for it, I don't think that it matters that much.

Hope this helps!


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