stand out as a strong candidate for admissions to the University of California
i would greatly appreciate any constructive feedback regarding sentence structure, grammar, flow of idea, and even essay topic. My main concern is whether or not this essay is strong enough to differentiate me or is it too generic?
It was the most agonizing moment of my life. I reluctantly conquered the steps leading up to the enormous, open stage. There I stood, facing the hundreds of students that were blurred by the illuminating stage lights staring straight at me. My hands shook and my face flushed with fear, but then the moment passed.
I don't remember what poem I recited or even if I won; all I remembered was the cheering of the audience afterward. It was then that I realized: I loved to perform.
It may seem ironic that an introvert takes comfort in performing in front of hundreds of people, but for some reason when the room quietens and all eyes divert their attention on me, I somehow muster up the courage to truly be myself. Perhaps it's because the stage often encourages oddities, but when I'm up on stage, all my insecurities disappear.
My high school years presented me many opportunities to practice being in the spotlight. I loved to give class presentations, participate in school plays, and perform in violin recitals. No feeling is greater than the feeling after a successful performance - the feeling of doing what is expected of you then exceeding it. However, in order for me to be true to myself in real life, I had to realize that the character I played during performances wasn't bounded by the confines of the stage but an actual representation of myself.
I learned that everyone is capable of change. When I enlisted in the army, I left behind the insecure boy from my past and took the first steps toward whom I aspired to become. I didn't hide my quirks but embraced them as I tackled this new chapter in my life.
My passion may have developed on stage, but with a change of perspective, I became the best version of myself in life - to live a life that I was proud of. In a way, it's as if this whole world became my stage, and I couldn't wait make my mark.
This is the full prompt below and some guiding questions as stated on the UC website :
8. Beyond what has already been shared in your application, what do you believe makes you stand out as a strong candidate for admissions to the University of California?
Things to consider: If there's anything you want us to know about you, but didn't find a question or place in the application to tell us, now's your chance. What have you not shared with us that will highlight a skill, talent, challenge or opportunity that you think will help us know you better?
From your point of view, what do you feel makes you an excellent choice for UC? Don't be afraid to brag a little.