Unanswered [4] | Urgent [0]

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 3

Beyond the silence! / Personal essay / Common App : Discuss an accomplishment, event....

zabdou 1 / -  
Dec 1, 2019   #1
Discuss an accomplishment, event, or realization that sparked a period of personal growth and a new understanding of yourself or others.

Beyond the silence - Abdourrahmane

Who doesn't know that words have power, it's a fact right? But, who knows that Silence also has power; a power that's hard to get.

As a kid, I had a speech delay that lasted 4 years, which inherently raised a red flag among concerned family members. Doctors tried without success to counsel my parents to be patient. Others thought that it was a bad experience for me and I was suffering a lot, but that was far from the truth. I personally count this period as the most important milestone in my life. My inability to communicate with words did not hinder my childhood moments from being enjoyable and memorable. I still had my fair share of great adventures and pleasant memories. Moreover, I was able to develop my personality discreetly especially my artistic side. I spent my time admiring different views, buildings, and scenery, using my disguised blessing of muteness as an opportunity to think more and talk less. Therefore after getting used to this, it became a habit. After a while, a regular day for me involved observing other kids from afar while daydreaming magical scenarios for my character. On some occasions, my bedroom window became a safe haven for the night, as I enjoyed stargazing and making up shapes in the night sky.

At the age of 4, my parents heard my first words and were beside themself with joy. As the great parents, they are, their hearts almost burst open with emotions and happiness. That moment was sculpted in their memories and tongues too, as they keep reminding me of those cherished moments to encourage me in times of doubts and reaffirm my strengths as a young man. However, speaking itself was still a process. I still had problems with my pronunciation. Was the blessing of speaking my first words an incomplete gift? No! It was a new challenge I had to work on. A hurdle of sorts that would help shape my upbringing.

No matter how this could affect me, I have adapted to it. Not just by accepting my circumstances, but by changing others' opinions of me. Whenever I would say something and make mistakes when playing with my peers at the kindergarten, they would start making fun of me. I had two options to choose from: to resist or to give up playing. I chose to resist. And so, under my silent cover and my little sudden words, I started expressing myself differently. I gave my silence a power that let others see me in a different light. I stopped being known as the kid who spoke poorly and became known as a handicraftsman in the classroom and an artist, as a result of a hundred artworks sketched with a pencil or made with simple materials.

The respect that I worked for is now combined and attached to a nickname that was carved in my classmates' memories during years and years which led them to qualify me as their class delegates in high school through two consecutive years. The boy who couldn't speak then, now speaks on behalf of all of his classmates.

This is why I worked hard on my attitude towards others. Because even with weaknesses, you can be a great leader with a high attitude and a powerful silence. Attitude defines one's personality. You do not have to be big or small, strong or weak. It is the way you play the cards that are dealt to you. What you make of them is what shapes your future. One can choose to cry over spilled milk, but I choose to pick up the mop, clean it up and go make myself a cup of sweet Moroccan tea instead.
Maria - / 1,098 389  
Dec 2, 2019   #2
Hello, welcome to the forum. Here's my feedback on your writing.

I noticed that you had one of the most common tendencies for writing mistakes - and that is, you were continuously bloating the text with information that's not necessarily contributing anything to the text that you have. This also includes incorporating excessive words into the text even though they're not adding depth to the writing. For instance, in your introductory paragraph's third sentence, the first phrase here was packaged poorly. You could have just mentioned that it was a dreading experience for you and ended it from that. When you described your childhood memories, there was no need to add both enjoyable and memorable since they pertain to nearly the same thing already.

Aside from this, the ending was truly a clever compilation of texts. I appreciate how you were able to incorporate creativity to create something that's meaningful for your writing.
Bastian 2 / 5 8  
Dec 3, 2019   #3
I think your topic of choice is really phenomenal and the way you've weaved it into a story of persistence, courage and growth is also great. I have some pointers where the story, for me, seems disjointed or fails to live up to the hype so to say.

You do tend to repeat certain words unncessarily. Doing away with them wouldn't take from the meaning of your sentences. For instance, being enjoyable and memorable and with emotions and happiness. Try going through your essay, looking at your use of conjunctions and then asking yourself 'are both these adjetives adding to my sentence?' 'can I take either away without affecting it significantly?' 'which of these two (or more) should remain?'

I feel that your connection to your history of art is a rather unconnected from the main theme of your essay which is your identity along the lines of persistence and overcoming challenges. If you could link it better, perhaps by showing how your art is influenced by the observations you make in silence (just an example. I don't know your thought process and neither am I an artist) then feel that it'd be better jointed.

I had two ... I chose to resist. If you could incorporate something along the lines of "I chose to resist the words they tried to mute my voice with" or something along the lines, I think it'd be a good take on the initial marginalisation you may have faced because of your speech issues. It'd be a good way to emphasise upon it and really shift the tone.

Because even ... Attitude ...
I personally feel this is very vague. Either expand on how your childhood experiences have helped shape you into a good leader more directly or skip on the rather preachiness of these lines entirely. Right now, it appears as if you're trying to sound deep but it comes off as cheesy and cliche. (sorry)

Home / Undergraduate / Beyond the silence! / Personal essay / Common App : Discuss an accomplishment, event....