hi everyone!
i'm in the process of applying to umich which is my dream school and i really wanna make sure i get in. this is one of my supplement essays. i need to know whether i'm off topic. one person told me my diversity topic for the prompt is fine. someone else told me diversity was not the focus of the prompt. rather, the focus is leadership, in which case i will use this as my common application essay. i need a third opinion please! any other feedback on the essay would be appreciated as well. it's also 317 words and it's supposed to be 250. assistance in shortening it would be nice as well :)
Essay #1 (Required for all applicants. Approximately 250 words)
Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it.
Juxtaposing the elements of expression and rhythm, Bharatanatyam is one of the world's oldest forms dance that prevails today. I have had the privilege to train with Nadanta, an artistic organization dedicated to the promotion of culture from India. Dancing with Nadanta for over 10 years has made me aware me of the vibrant societies around us.
I had never seen a more vivid example of America as a melting pot before as when I represented Nadanta in the Super Bowl XL Pre-Game Show, held in Detroit. Arriving downtown for rehearsals gave me quite the culture shock. Some performances were familiar, such as belly dancing from the Middle East, and others the opposite, like tribal dancing from Africa. Participating in the show and being introduced to new cultures widened my perspective, as well as enabled me to appreciate different ethnicities and customs.
Experiences like Super Bowl XL helped me understand how a shared passion can unify anyone, regardless of race or ethnicity, whether it's simply football, or dance. Growing up, Nadanta taught me its core principles: aesthetic and cultural appreciation, leadership, and strong willpower. These have become the values I live by even today. Nadanta has disciplined me in all spheres to become a versatile, open-minded student, and plan on applying these principles at the University of Michigan to widen my horizons academically, socially, and culturally.
Bharatanatyam drives me to broaden my views and become increasingly aware of the ethnicities and religions that surround me. With its diverse and highly achieved student body and faculty, the University of Michigan is the right place for a zealous person like me to be. Such an ideal university will allow me to academically advance and continue building multicultural relations, permitting me to flourish in every area while I thoroughly enjoy the experience.
This is a pretty interesting essay. It touches on your background, your passions, your activities beyond school and an accomplishment. It was a nice touch mentioning the Superbowl in Detroit and looping back to U of M. The only part that I have qualms about is that last paragraph. I would scrap everything after the first sentence in the last pargraph altogether, but if you aren't willing to do that at least consider other options for the terms "highly achieved", "zealous" and "multicultural relations".
This is just an idea but in order to more specifically show how Bharatnatyam has impacted you, I would expand with a more specific example how Bharatnatyam has increased your grace or how Bharatnatyam has widened you as a student. What is it in Bharatnatyam that you find so exquisite? I have a friend who just finished all of her Bharatnatyam lessons. I asked her why she spent so many years learning classical Indian dance. And the answer I received truly showed me her passion for Bharatnatyam. For her Bharatnatyam is an avenue through which she is able to escape the hectics of high school life. It has taught her to be steady-minded and determined, yet ironically, has also widened her perception (from the grace and freedom which Bharatnatyam offers). Hope this helps! I would include it in the last paragraph and emphasize how your determination and broad perception, developed from Bharatnatyam, will impact your ability to strive, hopefully improve, at the University of Michigan. Good luck! (We all need it!) :)
I like your essay, since it shows what your'e passionate about. I would say you could show the way dancing fits in your life or in other words just being more specific like the person above me said. but aside from this, its a good essay and i wish you the best.
