i'm in the process of applying to umich which is my dream school and i really wanna make sure i get in. this is one of my supplement essays. i need to know whether i'm off topic. one person told me my diversity topic for the prompt is fine. someone else told me diversity was not the focus of the prompt. rather, the focus is leadership, in which case i will use this as my common application essay. i need a third opinion please! any other feedback on the essay would be appreciated as well. it's also 317 words and it's supposed to be 250. assistance in shortening it would be nice as well :)
Essay #1 (Required for all applicants. Approximately 250 words)
Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it.
Juxtaposing the elements of expression and rhythm, Bharatanatyam is one of the world's oldest forms dance that prevails today. I have had the privilege to train with Nadanta, an artistic organization dedicated to the promotion of culture from India. Dancing with Nadanta for over 10 years has made me aware me of the vibrant societies around us.
I had never seen a more vivid example of America as a melting pot before as when I represented Nadanta in the Super Bowl XL Pre-Game Show, held in Detroit. Arriving downtown for rehearsals gave me quite the culture shock. Some performances were familiar, such as belly dancing from the Middle East, and others the opposite, like tribal dancing from Africa. Participating in the show and being introduced to new cultures widened my perspective, as well as enabled me to appreciate different ethnicities and customs.
Experiences like Super Bowl XL helped me understand how a shared passion can unify anyone, regardless of race or ethnicity, whether it's simply football, or dance. Growing up, Nadanta taught me its core principles: aesthetic and cultural appreciation, leadership, and strong willpower. These have become the values I live by even today. Nadanta has disciplined me in all spheres to become a versatile, open-minded student, and plan on applying these principles at the University of Michigan to widen my horizons academically, socially, and culturally.
Bharatanatyam drives me to broaden my views and become increasingly aware of the ethnicities and religions that surround me. With its diverse and highly achieved student body and faculty, the University of Michigan is the right place for a zealous person like me to be. Such an ideal university will allow me to academically advance and continue building multicultural relations, permitting me to flourish in every area while I thoroughly enjoy the experience.