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'a big, close, Hispanic family' - prompt 1


michelleleal3 2 / 5  
Nov 28, 2011   #1
prompt #1 "Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations."

Growing up in a big, close, Hispanic family, there wasn't one weekend I didn't spend with my grandparents when I was I child. My family met every Sunday morning for breakfast just to talk and be together. Each cousin, aunt, uncle, and grandchild brought some amazing irreplaceable quality that made each of us fit perfectly together. We were our own world.

My grandfather was the ultimate glue that held our family together. He and my grandmother only had an elementary school education but working on the ranches and the diaries for years he grew wise from experience; a different form of education. My mother absolutely adored him and wanted me and my two older brothers, now also attending universities, to know how much my grandparents and parents sacrificed for us and to show us that if you always have motivation and determination there is no limit on what you can accomplish. My grandparents wanted a better life for their children, and my mom succeeded by giving them their first child to attend to college out of eight.

In 2009 my grandfather was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. The doctors said he had 6 months. He passed away 2 short weeks later. My family was in shock. And our world, my world, was broken. I watched my family try to fill the gap and come to terms with what happened but as the years passed by; my family's connection that was once so strong was lost.

Seeing my family struggle to recreate the bond we once shared I realized my dream of helping others deal with a sick loved one or the loss of one. I dedicated my junior and the rest of my senior year of high school to doing exactly that. I founded a club at my school that helped raise money for cancer and other sicknesses awareness. I organized a full calendar school year with 5 walks that were held within at least one hour driving distance and led each team at every walk. Hearing others stories and sharing my own of the people we lost was an amazing experience and motivated me to always want to be involved in walks like Relay for Life and Light the Night. I want to go to college to get an education in medicine so one day I can achieve my dream of helping others. Carrying with me the spirit of my grandfather's hard work I know I can achieve anything if I have the education that allows me to. College is a chance for me to start achieving my dreams not only for myself but for my family as well.

Yang93 1 / 12  
Nov 28, 2011   #2
"My grandparents wanted a better life for their children, and my mom succeeded by giving them their first child to attend to college out of eight."

Replace "by giving them" to "being". Overall, it's a great essay. It would be a good idea if you get a english teacher to read it over b4 submitting. Good luck!!
orchestranerd71 2 / 5  
Nov 28, 2011   #3
I have some tips, I don't know if they'll help, but you have a good story here.

First off, the sentence structure of "And our world, my world, was broken," is a little awkward. I would find a different way to phrase it.

Secondly, there are a couple times you misuse the ";"--for example, the sentence "He and my grandmother only had an elementary school education but working on the ranches and the diaries for years he grew wise from experience; a different form of education" isn't grammatically correct. Just replace the semicolon with two dashes "--" or a comma :) Same with the sentence "I watched my family try to fill the gap and come to terms with what happened but as the years passed by; my family's connection that was once so strong was lost."Just get rid of the semicolon all together and the sentence should flow nicely.

Next, I would alter the first sentence of your third paragraph "Seeing my family struggle to recreate the bond we once shared I realized my dream of helping others deal with a sick loved one or the loss of one." I would alter it to say "Because I saw my family struggle [etc]..." The second half of the sentence "[...] I realized my dream of helping others deal with a sick loved one or the loss of one" doesn't make a whole lot of sense. You realized your dream? How about "I discovered that I wanted to help my peers and friends deal with their sick loved ones and/or those they have lost." You can structure it however you'd like but I would go over that a little!

SMALL TIP: don't type the number "5" in paragraph three--actually type of the word "five." You have to type out any numbers less than a thousand.

Lastly, I think you did a fine job! I just recommend going over a lot of your sentences in paragraph three. The majority of the sentences don't flow. Try reading them to someone or aloud. It always helps me. GOOD LUCK!
OP michelleleal3 2 / 5  
Nov 28, 2011   #4
thank you so much for all the comments!
OP michelleleal3 2 / 5  
Nov 28, 2011   #5
As you can tell writing isn't strongest area but I made a few corrections. Anymore suggestions?

Growing up in a large, close, Hispanic family, there wasn't one weekend I didn't spend with my grandparents when I was I child. My family met every Sunday morning for breakfast just to talk and be together. Each cousin, aunt, uncle, and grandchild brought some amazing irreplaceable quality that made each of us fit perfectly together. We were our own world.

My grandfather was the ultimate glue that held our family together. He and my grandmother only had an elementary school education but working on the ranches and the diaries for years he grew wise from experience-- a different form of education. My mother absolutely adored him and she wanted me and my two older brothers, now also attending universities, to know how much my grandparents and parents sacrificed for us and to show us that if you always have motivation and determination there is no limit on what you can accomplish. My grandparents wanted a better life for their children, and my mom succeeded their dreams by being their first child to attend to college out of eight.

In 2009 my grandfather was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. The doctors said he had six months but he passed away two short weeks later. My family was in shock and our world was shattered. I watched my family try to fill the gap and come to terms with what happened but as the years passed by my family's connection that was once so strong was lost.

Seeing my family struggle to recreate the bond we once shared I discovered my dream of helping others deal with a sick loved one or the loss of one. I dedicated my junior and the rest of my senior year of high school to doing exactly that. I founded a club at my school that helped raise money for cancer and other sicknesses awareness. I organized a full calendar school year with five walks that were held within at least one hour driving distance and led each team at every event. Hearing others stories and sharing my own of the people we lost was an amazing experience and motivated me to always want to be involved in walks like Relay for Life and Light the Night. I want to go to college to get an education in medicine so one day I can achieve my dream of helping others. Carrying with me the spirit of my grandfather's hard work I know I can achieve anything if I have the education that allows me to. College is a chance for me to start achieving my dreams not only for myself but for my family as well.

I dont really like the way my first sentence in my third paragraph sounds. Anyone know how to rewrite to make it flow better?
orchestranerd71 2 / 5  
Nov 28, 2011   #6
"Although it was difficult watching my family struggle to recreate the bond we once shared, I was able to discover my dream of helping others deal with their sick and/or lost loved ones."

Better? :)


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