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"a big family of nine" - where I come from


Lala1993 2 / 4  
Nov 27, 2010   #1
Please help me improve this essay, any feedback is greatly appreciated. Thanks

*Describe the world you come from-fro example, your family, community or school-and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Growing up in a big family of nine was one of many challenges in my family and my parents not knowing any English is simply hard, but knowing that my parents will always have my back gave me a lot of confidence. It encourages me to strive for more challenges that come up my way and achieve it. In knowing so, making my parents proud of me and helping them achieve their dream that they have set upon me.

Being apart from the minority is also hard because we were the ones without voices. Coming from a high school with bad reputation as well as a lot of English learners gave outsiders to expect that we will not succeed, but they didn't know that everything has changed now. Students who graduated from that very same school were able to attend Universities (UC) and state colleges. Being a student from the majority of that school, I was able to take Navy Junior Reserve Officer Training Corps (NJROTC).

As a part of the NJROTC program, I learned to become both a leader and a follower. Becoming a leader and follower involves a lot of communication, teamwork, and cooperation. Being in this program change me and help me realize that things happen for a reason and sometimes you can do so much to change or help it.

My world has shaped my dreams and aspiration a lot. My world where I come from gave me many advices and a lot of challenges. Within those challenges, I have chosen to become a nurse and help out many people in this world. Becoming a nurse has been a dream of mines and I have always wanted to accomplished that because not only is it for me, but for my parents also.

This will be a path that I am challenging myself to succeed, but it will be another stepping stone that I have to take to get to where I want to be.
michellehoaang 2 / 2  
Nov 27, 2010   #2
Your first sentence seems to be a run on sentence. Maybe it can be worded in this way:
Growing up in a big family of nine was one of many challenges my family faced. My parents were not accustomed to the American traditions and had trouble understand English.

Hopefully that helped you a bit :)
OP Lala1993 2 / 4  
Nov 29, 2010   #3
thank you very much;)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 11, 2010   #4
I am going to correct the grammar in this essay, and I hope you find all the changes I made and make a list of them. Practice each sentence 10 times, speaking it and writing it 10 times, so that you can remember the correct grammar:

Growing up in a big family of nine was one of many challenges in my family, and my parents not knowing any English made things simply hard, but knowing that my parents will always have my back gave me a lot of confidence.

It encourages me to strive for success and overcome challenges that come my way. and achieve it.

With this knowledge, In knowing so, I am making my parents proud of me and helping them achieve their dream that they have set upon me.

Being a part from of the minority is also hard, because we were the ones without voices.
A part of OR Apart from? These are opposites. Discuss them with your friends to make sure you understand.

Hey, some of your sentences are excellent! I like this one especially: Being in this program change me and help me realize that things happen for a reason and sometimes you can do so much to change or help it.

My world has shaped my dreams and aspirations a lot.

My world where I come from gave me many advices lessons and a lot of challenges.

You do not have to ever use s on the end of advice. advices You can just say, "She gave me a lot of advice."

This will be a path that I am challenging myself to succeed travel, and it is another stepping stone that I have to take to get to where I want to be.

:-)


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